I don't think this nightmare will ever end...

[Mom3c]

I will try to be as brief as possible....My ex and I were divorced 6 1/2 years ago (2002) in Florida. I received primary custody of my three children and actually moved back to NJ right before the divorce was final. Things were very difficult - my ex alineated my eldest child and within a year and a half he went to live with him for what I thought was a temporary period of a few months. Six years later- he is still there. My ex paid a fixed amount of child support and alimony - but it did not go through probation. Suddenly after three years- he simply stopped all payments. I hadn't worked in 15 years and could not got a job to support myself and the children. My ex was living with his girlfriend in the next town and was ( and still is) making $250,000 per year, yet he knowingly let us go on month after month with no food or basic nessecities. I tried everything to get assistance- but because I technically owned part of a house- I was ineligible. I have no family that could help me. We lost our car, television, elecrtricity, and eventually even our water was turned off! We could not bathe, wash clothes or dishes and finally, could not even flush the toilets. There was no where to turn. I was acting pro se in Court and it was a total disaster. After 7 months , I finally found a lawyer that took my case - but only to try to get my ex to be forced to sell the house that we lived in ( and he never did) so that I could get some money for us to live on. At the same time, my friends in Florida paid for us to go down there so we could wait out the time until the Court date in a  house with running water, food, etc.  Amazingly, the judge not only did not order that he sell the house, but did not even order him to pay the support. Instead he ordered me to return to Nj with the children. I told him that I could not do that while the circumstances were still the same as when I left. He said that I was in contempt of court and ordered full custody go to my ex. You have to understand that my ex hadn't seen the children for 8 months before we left for Florida and never even bothered to concern himself with their well-being. After this Court proceeding, I very reluctanly made the decsion to remain in Florida, where I eventually got a job and an apartment of our own and started putting a life together for us. The children were doing great. We called my ex several times a week. This is how it went for almost six months. Then one day , I got a call from the kids' school telling me that 2 private detectives had shown up and grabbed the kids and taken them. By the time I got to the school they were already on the plane back to NJ. This was February 8, 2006 and I have not had a relationship ( to speak of) with my children since then. Two weeks later I was in Court in NJ and it was Ordered that my ex keep custody of the children and that I only be allowed 1 hour of supervised visitation with them. I was originally given one telephone call per week and nightly emails- but these never happen as my ex and his girlfriend prevented it from the beginning. So, it took a few months for us to begin the visitations and then from about April 2006 until July 2008 - I saw the children once a week for an hour while a mental health conselour ( unlicensed btw), sat with us. About four months before the end, I was finally allowed alone in the room with them, at which point they watched me from outside the room and videotaped the sessions. I wasn't allowed to talk about almost anything. I couldn't bring them any gifts including pictures. We finally were allowed to take short walks ( with someone) but only the last month or so. I was brought there fifteen minutes early and kept locked in a room, they were then brought in and  left before I did. I was kept locked in the room until their car had left the premises. We celebrated two and a half years of birthdays, Christmas's, Easter's, Halloweens' and every other occassion in that one horrible room while I was graded on my ability to parent my own children. I was often critized, and scolded for things that almost any other parent does on a routine everyday basis. In other words, I was not allowed to BE a parent. I was like the nice lady that came to do a craft and maybe brought a snack once a week- that's it. Finally in July I was allowed to see them for 4 hours per week ( on Saturdays) unsupervised- Hooray. But, I had to pick them up at the counseling facility and be briefed and they had to take all my information- license, insurance, where would I be going, etc. Then, afterwards, I would drop the kids off and they would be debriefed. This went on for another month or two. Finally, a miracle. I was allowed after 2 1/2 years to see them for 7-8 hours totally unsupervised on Saturdays. At first, the only difficulties were that my ex would try to exert his control over me and deny me time with them- that did not work. I also had problems because I did not have money to even feed them, let alone take them to do anything....he doesn't still pay me support. We filed a Motion for certain things that was supposed to be heard in June. It was postponed to July, at which point the Judge, who had been on the case for a year informed us that he realized that the counselor who had been supervising me was a personal acquaintaince of his and posed a potential conflict of interest. She had written a very favorable report on my behalf. When he asked if either of us had an issue with him remaining on the case- my ex said he did and the Judge recused himself. Since that point ( July) we have been switched to two different judges finally winding up with a brand new family court judge who then had two heart attacks- this of course postponed and postponed the case. We finally went to Court three and a half weeks ago ( I believe it was mid-October), but  by the time our case was called, it wa 3:45pm so the whole thing was rushed and left no time for the Judge to make a decision. He said he would mail the Orders the following week. As mentioned, we have been waiting 3 1/2 weeks now. In the interim, my sweet daughter who is now 12 1/2 all of a sudden out of the blue has decided that she 'hates" me and never wants to see me again and refuses to come for any visitation.I have no doubt at all that this is my ex's influence as she has always been terrified of him. It came out of nowhere. No she is accusing me of all kinds of things. Her twin brother is a wreck because he has been with us everytime and has no clue what she is talking about or what happpened. Their relationship has been badly affected too and she says she doesn't even care about that,She has spoken with the current court appointed therapist who cooincidentally was just about to make a recommendation for unsuperviced increased parenting time for me including overnights - exactly what I have been waiting and praying for for almost three years. Now the therapist says she can't make any recommendations until she fiqures out what in the world is going on. This is the same exact thing that my ex did with my older son when he was this very age and now, with my daughter. A month ago , she was a loving sweet girl and now she won't even talk to me. I am living a nightmare. My ex managed to take everything from me- he was given powere of attorney on the house and got that plus all my belongings- so I have an apartment with absolutely no furniture. I don't have my children and fear I may never again. I was a stay at home mother for so long and my job prospects are so limited that all I can find is some waitressing work and the money is not very good. I can't afford my basic needs - including medication and even food. I truly have no life at all. I am terribly depressed and just don't see an end to this.I can't act as badly as I feel or I fear I will never have a chance of getting the kids. So, instead I am up all night and just plain sad. My children have been taken away from me for years and this is time I will never get back. I haven't been allowed to be involved or have access to their school activities, medicall records, etc. They have been sick and injured and I have been denied information and the ability to have any say in treatment, etc. All my parental rights have been completely taken away. People sometimes treat me as a leper- they ask me questions about my children and I try to pretend I know the answers- their teachers names, or friends, etc. My ex has a 20 year old babysitter for them- how in the world is she better for them than me? How in the world have I been allowed to be treated by the Court system like this? A better question- How have my children been allowed to be treated like this and to be denied their own mother like this? I'm sorry- I said I would be brief - and aactually I could write so much more- for any of you that have read this far- thank you so much for listening and I wish you all the luck in the world- there are others out their like you.And we are good people and loving moms.If anyone has any advice at all- regarding any of this- please let me know- I would love to hear from you - and also- if anyone would like to start a support group in NJ with me- that would be great.

[olanna]

Break your posts up into short readable paragraphs.  IN this way, people will be more likely to read them and respond to them with thoughts and advice.

[MothersGetARawDealToo]

How terrible.  It seems like the courts are punishing you for not moving back to NJ per their order.  You have more than paid the price for that, too bad they are not treating you the way you have earned and deserve.  I know how horrible you must feel!  Your ex is evil.  My ex is evil too and trying to destroy me still after 8 years of divorce.  His parents keep funding all of his court actions against me, so I will never win because I don't have an endless supply of money to wear him down like he does me. 

Anyway, keep in contact with that counselor and keep trying to get your visitation.  Keep trying to show your daughter that you love her and need her and do not blame her for any of this.  She is being manipulated and will see that one day.  Hang in there!  You have been so strong so far!  He is only getting away with this because of money, if character were the determining factor in these cases then you would win hands down.  Keep trying!  Good luck!!!