daycare issue- sorry, long

[bammer]

Hi,
I'm new to posting but have gotten valuable info from this site.  I thank you and am hoping you'll give some insight to the current issue.

The story is a bit complicated, but here it is:  My husband has a 2.5 yr old son from his ex-gf.  She is married to her husband, from whom she was seperated when my DH was with her.  At the time my DH started dating her she was pregnant with her husband's daughter, to whom my DH became significantly attached to.  (It was this love for the GF's daughter that prompted him to stay in what was not such a great relationship.)  She then became pregnant w/ my DH' son, broke up w/ him shortly therafter and then had baby.  She then reconciled w/ husband.  So now she, her husband, his daughter and her son are all living together.  We live close by and share custody of son, who we have about 45% of the time.  

It was a long hard battle to get an agreement in place.  It has been difficult on my husband since he had to adjust to no longer being in the little girl's life and had to fight very hard to get something concrete in place, even something as simple as establishing paternity.  He tried settling with her, got lawyers, went to mediation, psychologists, etc.  This was all paid for out of his pocket and after about 2 years of her stalling, we finally went b/f a judge and she was forced into an agreement on the brink of going to trial.  (The judge threw out the first effort since we had gone beyond some arbitrary time limit.  Very frustrating.)  In the end, we had to compromise on a lot, but we got more than we had.  Ironically, if she had settled with us a year earlier, we would have settled for a lot less.

As for support, even though we have a fairly equal time share and we maintain a full home here for the child, we make more than she does (she has reduced her work schedule to be more of a mom), and so are ordered to pay.  It's a pretty healthy sum, plus we pay 100% daycare, as related to her working.  Ie:  we don't have to pay for daycare on the days she might use it as a babysitting service on her days off.  (As she was doing b/f agreement.)

Here's the problem du jour:  On weekdays, son generally spends two days at our house, one day at daycare, and then two days at BM's house.  She will soon go back to work one more day and is insisting that she wants in-home child care while he is at work so that he "can play with other kids in the neighborhood."  My DH and I think it's ridiculous for him to pay someone to babysit in her home when he can go to daycare or come here to our home.  The support agreement says that DH will pay for work related childcare, but it specifies nothing as to the type.  If they have joint legal custody, isn't this something they have to agree on?  If she takes us back to court, what are chances that a judge will agree to this?  They both have right of first refusal, does this extend to daytime when my husband is working but in the home, technically?  I would be taking care of him.  (Our state is NY.)

I'm hoping we can avoid the whole thing by having son in preschool, but that is a whole nother can of worms.  I think it kills her that I (his stepmother) take care of him mostly while his Dad works out of our home.  I think she wants to control as much as possible and is therefore demanding all sorts of ridiculous things.

I'm hoping that this will work itself out without resorting to lawyers.  My ss really is a wonderful little boy and we worry about the effect of all this tension on him as he is getting older.  He is already so tuned in, it's amazing.

Any advice/suggestions greatly appreciated.  Sorry for the lengthy post.
Thanks,
bammer

[joni]

do you have in place the right of first refusal or can you petition to get it?

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/firstrefusal.htm