SD just moved in with us...need advice, please!

[zapped]

Hi! I posted several weeks ago about SD (14) moving in with us (SD's decision). Everything seemed to be OK after BM had come to our house to sign the custody papers (we did this out of court) and we had all talked about financial responsibilites, etc. As a matter of fact, we had several long talks in person (BM came to our house a few times) to talk about SD. It was a very long and emotional process because for the last seven years DH and BM only communicated through the courts. It was actually a step forward and we all felt positive about the situation since we were finally working together for the best interest of SD.

At that time BM told us that she was not willing to pay child support ("she couldn't afford it") but the tradeoff was that she would go ahead and waive the arrears that DH had accumulated due to layoffs in the past and everyone would call it fair. Even though we were advised by my uncle (an attorney) to file for CS, we wanted to give BM the benefit of the doubt that she would offer $$ for SD without having the CS system hold her hand. DH religiously paid $700+ in child support every month but still managed to accumulate arrears (DH asked BM to help him out by temporarily suspending CS to zero during those times, she refused and told him to go through the court, this was a long process each time). Even then BM received $400+ per month from UI benefits during those times). She was never without $$$ for the last 14 years.

Well it's been about four weeks and DH called BM on the phone to see when she was planning on going to the CS office to waive the arrears. She decided that she was going to hold on the the arrears for "security reasons" just in case we decided to open a child support case against her! We are so dumbfounded! We were played! Ugh! BM told him she wasn't going to waive anything until SD turns 18! He said well we won't have any other choice but to file for CS and she said well too bad cuz I have the arrears against you anyway!

I don't know what to tell DH. He is fuming about this. We already have five kids at home so not asking for CS was a big deal for us but we were willing to work with BM and now this? I mean, she has to be responsible for something!

I don't really want to rock the boat because I am already happy that SD is living with us and is adjusting very well, but what her mom did is really wrong and BM cannot just get away with this. It's not about the money every month because we don't care at this point, but if she re-opens the arrears case they will take our taxes at the end of the year and that is one of our biggest fears. It would be a huge loss for us, especially since we are trying to save for a house of our own.

If we file for CS and DH owes arrears, won't the $$$ that is garnished from BM go right back to her anyway? Or how does this work? And if BM re-opens the arrears case, won't they actually garnish DH's paychecks for that, too?

I guess we can just suck it up and hope that we don't piss BM off for the next four years so that she can't keep rubbing the arrears in our face, but who wants to live with a big question mark over their heads like that? I mean BM is just using that as leverage and she knows it. One part of me is saying go ahead and file for CS because BM needs to learn that she can't get away with this and that she needs to be financially responsible for her own child, and another part of me is saying forget it and just cross your fingers that she doesn't get any evil ideas in the next four years! We could go on without CS from her for four years and she could easily re-open the case whenever she feels like it. It's a scary thought!

Can anyone please help us? Advice, suggestions, anything? Thanks!

[Kitty C.]

I'm having a senior moment at the moment, but someone recently posted about a custody change, having arrears, BM not willing to pay CS, so courts ruled that since BD had arrears and now custody, and that BM SHOULD pay support, they called it even.  Whatever BD had to pay to BM would have been what BM would have had to pay to BD for support (I think I got it straight!)

Anyway, she THINKS she has you over a barrel and is proving without a doubt that the ONLY thing she's thinking about is the money.  Take her to court if you have to, and push to have it considered even by whatever arrears BD would pay would offest any CS the BM would pay.  She will walk away with NOTHING.............except another atty. bill.

[treadiing water]

Just one thought.  Make sure that you do not have a tax refund coming at the end of the year.  Over and over I see posts on this site and others about tax refunds that get held due to CS problems.  Adjust your withholdings from your paychecks so that you end up owing about $100 when you file your taxes.   Any competent accountant can figure this out if you are not comfortable with dealing with taxes.  Tax refunds are dollars that you OVERPAID to the government.  It is YOUR money.  For some reason people get into the mindset that they are getting omething from the government.  This is absolutely not true.  The tax laws require you to have paid 90% of your tax liability by year end.  The remainder you can pay when you file.  If you adjust your tax witholdings you will end up with more money in your pocket each payday.  Assume you get a $2400 tax return.  If you adjust your withholdings correctly you could have $200 a month extra to do with as you please.  If you are saving to by a house then put this in the bank and gain interest on it or by a CD.  Otherwise you are loaning your money to the government INTEREST FREE and you run the risk of having an intercept of your refund in which case you have nothing.  The year is only half over today.  You have pleny of time to make changes and at least get rid of the worries of having the taxes intercepted.

As for the rest of your post, I would think that you absolutely MUST file for CS as soon as possible.  The main reason is that you never know for sure if when your SD turns 18 the BM will actually release the arrears.  And I would assume the arrears would be growing each month due to interest.  You need to make sure that stops.  If nothing else work out a plan for the arrears that would have you paying as much in arrears as the BM would pay in CS.  THen it is a wash but at least the arrears are taken care of.  Better yet would be to have the CS be more, but you should take what you can get.  You need to do whatever you can to take away everything the BM can hold over you.  Otherwise you end up dancing at the end of her strings.

[KAT]

You did file the custody papers with the court right? Because unless it signed by the judge, it's not a court order. Your husband could still be held respnsible to her for child support. I agree, stop playing games. File for the support, do it NOW. She has NO reason to terminate arrears at 18 PLUS she has already proved herself a liar!!!! You don't trust these women, I don't care how different things have become these last few weeks. She's playing you both and it's all about the oh mighty buck. She was being nice because she doesn't want to pay even after years of collecting. Filiing will mean AT THE VERY LEAST that by the time she is 18, arrears will (hopefully) be paid in full so there is NOTHING for her to hold over your heads anymore. And heck, once you file, she might get the bee out of her bonnet far enough to realize it's not just another game & agree to legally terminate the arrears in order to get out from under HER child support obligation. I knew this was going to happen when you first posted the story and it still pisses me off.
I really like how these women are all for child support as long as they aren't the ones having to pay it. (and I know ladies, it's not all of em')
Good Luck!
KAT

[zapped]

Hi. What will happen once we open a CS case? Will the CS money that is supposed to go to us for SD eventually go back to BM in the form of a refund check every month due to the arrears? I was under the impression that we won't see the money at all anyway (which is fine by us). Or will they actually garnish DH's paychecks for the arrears (he was paying $100 additional each month towards arrears prior to the custody change).

And isn't it funny that BM is now calling ALL THE TIME. It's so bad that this morning BM called at 7:30AM!! BM also got mad at SD several times on the phone last week and continued to scream about how SD did not call her EVERYDAY. I surely wouldn't expect a 14 yo girl to call me each and everyday - I mean, it's just not realistic to expect a call every single day. We never made it an issue when SD was living with BM. A phone call to say every few days is completely fine. At this age the kids are pretty independent and SD is having a blast making new friends, hanging out with her cousins at the swimming pool, etc. BM should understand this but oh well!

This morning's phone call was funny because now BM wants to take SD out to "dinner" because she misses her. Latest phone call also included inquiries about what DH and I were planning on doing as far as child support goes. SD said she has no idea (which is true). Also SD has confided in me that BM told her that she would be so extremely hurt if SD called me "mom" (she calls me by my first name which is fine by me - it's our relationship that counts anyway!) and BM also asked SD prior to her moving in with us that if DH filed for child support would SD move back in with her? HELLO!? What a FREAKshow!

It seems like BM is trying to give SD a major guilt trip and I keep reassuring SD that she has done nothing wrong and that all we have to focus on is getting her grades up and having a happy life. DH told SD to hang up on her mom if she started screaming and cussing (it can get bad as I have heard it with my own ears and I was standing 3 feet away from SD). We don't want to give the impression that we don't want SD talking to her mom but then again we don't want to expose SD to this unhealthy behavior. Ah, so sad!

[KAT]

Ahhh yeah Kiddo, I hear ya. The old Mommy LOVES YOU SO MUCH DEAR! When she hardly gave a cats hair when the child was living with her. That was our hag when she didn't get support for SD so she went after the younger child with both barrels. (It was ALWAYS only about the money). It was constant manipulation. My advice is to nip this in the bud immediately. Calling at 7:30 am IS UNREASONABLE, therefore you & your husband, the ADULTS of the house must take charge. Who caers if you are mean to biomom, your husband is exactly right. Introduce biomom to MR. CLICK. Change out your phones to ones that have ringer OFF switches. She shouldn't have to up with daily manipulation. Once she finds out she's going to have to pay child support chances are she is going to do her best to quilt trip your SD to come live with her. That way, she can LOVE your SD right into an 8th grade education & a criminal records such as ours did. If this continues I wouldn't hesitate to take her back to court in order to get the amount of communication court ordered. Please do start keeping a journal immediately.
As for the child support I would simply do this...you say he owes 7,500 right? In the paperwork write it up as that paying the arrears as taking away from the immediate needs of the minor child. Offer an offset to pay the arrears. Like this: 7,500 divided by the number of months left for child support say equals $125.00 So substract that from the support SHE owes each month. Even if it's just a few dollars it's better then nothing AND the arrears will be paid by the time she is 18.
Finally, make sure your SD realizes that she is NOT responsible for her mothers happiness.
Best wishes to you!
KAT