Dad needs help ASAP

[ROLLINGSTONE]

Hi all,

I need some advice to help me find the right path.  I apologize for the long post but it's kind of a long story.

I am a 35-year-old divorced male and a father of a nine-year-old girl.  I live in Southern California near my daughter and although I am not the custodial parent I have an active part of her daily life.  I don't think I could have asked for a better ex-wife or mother for my daughter.  My ex-wife and I have never had a single debate over me spending time with my daughter or anything at all for that matter when it comes to my daughter.  

I recently had a newborn son in December of last year.  My son's mother is an ex-girlfriend of mine who moved to Seattle Washington.  After she moved away we kept in contact and visited one another every so often.  Last March she told me that she was pregnant with my baby.  When I found out that she was pregnant I realized that I would have to make some big changes in my life if I planned on being a father to both children, since they both live far away from each other.  

Right about the same time that she got pregnant we learned that her eight year old daughter was diagnosed with a rare bone disease.  There is only one doctor in the country who has a procedure for correcting this condition, and he is in Baltimore Maryland.  Needless to say she was under quite a bit of stress.  She was working as a waitress while she was pregnant and also having to deal with her daughters condition.  I flew up to Seattle a few times during her pregnancy for some of her doctors visits.  I would have been right next to her the whole time but I do have a daughter in cali. that I wasn't about to just move away from.  I wanted my ex to know that I wanted to help relieve some of her stress and that I was in a tough position also.  Instead of leaving my job and my daughter (who would not easily understand why Daddy had to move) I decided to relieve some of her stress by making it possible for her to not have to work so many hours.  I sent her some money to ease some of her tension and show her that she was not in this alone.  I went out there for the delivery of my son and was there for about three weeks before watching my son be born.  During her pregnancy I gave her probably a total of around $10,000. to ease her stress.  We knew that after the baby was born that her and the child would have to move to Baltimore so that her daughter could recieve treatment for her illness.  We also decided that I would travel to and from Cali. and that we were going to try working on our relationship.  

The bottom line is this:
Her and I did not work out after all.  

Because her and I are not getting along she has decided that she can dictate when I can see my son.

 (Until a judge says otherwise, Don't I have the right to see my son whenever I want to?  as long as I'm not kicking in her door or something like that.)

I want to fly out there this week because i miss my son and I have already bought tickets.  Her daughter has surgory and the baby is not allowed in the recovery room so someone has to watch him while she goes in the recovery room with her daughter.
 (As the father  do I not have the first right of refusal to watch over my son?  

Since my son has been born I have been flying back and fourth and spending as much as three weaks at a time with him.  He recognizes me and I am the only person he is content with besides his mother.

If I fly out there I don't want to debate over my rights as a father and I won't give them up either.  

How do I handle this so that I can go out there and be the father of my son without her making it too hard?

Her arguement is that I have done drugs in the past and she claims that I still do.  
Wouldn't a pro of some kind have to take my rights away and not just what she claims?

I need help.  And I need it fast.

Thanks        

[Ref]

But usually if you were not married to the woman and you have no parenting agreement, there is nothing you can do about excercising your rights.

I really think your best course of action is to get an attorney FAST. You may need to get one in Washington, but you can call a few around you and ask them if you would. Many attornies will have free consults. I have a feeling from all of this flying that you are willing and able to do, that you are not in financial trouble. I may be wrong, but that is my guess. So get that lawyer.  


Good Luck

Ref

[Danae]

HI there!
Kudos to you for doing the best you can for your kids. It is no easy road that's for sure.

My Husband has a daughter in washington state. Long story short, bio-mom blackmailed him for years until I came into the picture. We got a parenting plan after we had been married about a year and a half or so. Literally it is the only way that you will have a any rights at all to your son. Washington state treats Non-custodial fathers like crap. You have no rights at all other than to pay up.

We have spoken to a VERY good lawyer. Raj Bains. He is in King county and I believe his number is listed somewhere on this site. I would contact him immediately if I were you. We will be hiring him in the near future in an effort to get custody of my step-daughter, if she indeed decides to come and live here. We have to decide that in the next 6 weeks. But that is the guy we are going to hire to make it happen.

One other thing to consider, is Marilyand now your X's preminate address? If so, then you will need a Lawyer in THAT state. It goes by Perminate address location you see.

Literally, and sadly. you HAVE no rights as a parent until given to you legally. You must persue this. Establishing Paternity through DNA is also a must. But with out a doubt, get a Lawyer. The Morass you have entered in NOT tilted in your favor and the system will not help you.

Sorry to be a bummer, but until you have a parenting plan and establish Paternity, you are extremely vunerable. That plan will protect you as much as it does her and provide for your son. It is in everyone's best interests.

I hope this helps!

Danae - best of luck to you!

[ROLLINGSTONE]

Thanks for responses,

When we filled out the paperwork in hospital and listed me as the biological father and gave my son my last name, and didn't that establish paternity for me?

Thank you for the referral to an attorney, I guess I will get started on that immediately.

Thank you

[stepmomandmom]

It established paternity, yes, but it did not establish visitation rights.  What this means to you:

1.  She can collect child support from you.
2.  She has sole custody of the child and you have no visitation rights.
3.  You will need an attorney and you will need to file a motion to establish custody & visitation.  
4.  Without this, you can do nothing.

I know this, because my dh went through this very same thing.  Don't expect the road to be easy.  We have fought tooth and nail for time with his daughter, but the system likes to treat all dads like deadbeats, unfortunately.  You may have to go to court several times before you get the kind of ideal visitation that you are seeking.  Do not be discouraged, though.  Never give up on your own children, no matter how horrible the CP is.

[justwantstobeadad]

Good luck with the fight! Make sure you document EVERYTHING from calls to refusals from her to see your son...I know it is a pain..but believe me when you go to court it will be very good to have.
Keep up the good work as a father and just dont become weary as it will be a long road.

[Danae]

Nope, filling out the forms don't mean diddly. It can be cited as proof of Paternity , but until it has a judge's signature onit, it isn't considered proof. You don't have to contest it. But when you file a Parenting Plan you will be required to fill out the form that established your "Fatherhood" Till then you are the "Presumed" father.

Either way, at this point, you have no rights as a father other than to open your wallet and let them take what ever amount of $$$ they think applies. Literally you are a walking walett with no other rights. Sucks. At least until you get the PP. They you have the rights that are spelled out IN the PP. So MAKE SURE that what you want get's put into the plan. This is another area where Legal counsel is very helpful. At this stage, you don't even know what you want or not. It is impossible to even know what questions to ask. A good Lawyer will know.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU!