Military R&R Visitation - Any Ideas?

[fight4ss]

I introduced myself a long time ago and have just been reading since then. I'm learning a lot and I really appreciate this group!

My DH and I are in a strange situation and I was wondering if any of you
have any advice.

Background: DH & BM had 50/50 custody. Then BM took us to court for custody and we wound up settling out of court b/c DH got orders to leave and our lawyer advised us to give SS to BM until DH returns - then we'll go to court.

DH is in Iraq and is coming home (finally!) for a 2-week R&R stint. We have the approximate date, but not the exact date. Anyway, that approximate date falls on a vacation BM has scheduled (second one this summer) and DH requested that SS stay with us and they go on their vacation. DH hasn't seen SS in over 6 months and wants SS with us the entire 2 weeks. BM is refusing entire time and is insisting on having SS back with her on certain dates b/c she cancelled her vacation! We didn't tell her cancel - but then she said that vacation was for SS b/c he asked to go so they weren't going w/o him.

Anyway, long story short, my DH may get 1 week with SS if he's lucky. We're worried about how SS is going to react when we have to take him back to BM's house because he cries anyway and it's awful. And now knowing that Daddy is home and he has to go home to mommy's house while daddy stays with me and his brother (my Bio-S who is adopted by DH) is going to kill SS.

So - called lawyer, we can get emergency hearing but the cost is extremely high and by the time we could get in court, half of DH's R&R is over.

Then, we thought about just not returning SS on the dates she's insisting
on. Of course we'd call her and let her know once SS was in our custody.

The agreement we made makes no special concessions for my DH's deployment and we're really regretting it. My DH spent 6 months in training and got some weekends off. BM would not let me take SS to go see DH on those weekends unless it was "according to the paper." So DH only got to see SS 2 times during that 6 months and me and my BS got to see him at least 7.

Oh, and the agreement DOES state that DH get's standard summer visitation when he returns from deployment.

Would we get in trouble if we just refused to return SS to BM when DH has a legal right to see him. I just don't want to spend all that money so a Judge can slap BM on the hand and tell her to do what's right. You know?

Thanks All

[flewwellin]

If you don't return SS you risk violating visitation agreement.  I'd take it to court and get this corrected on paperwork for this and future issues like this.  It's worth the money to go on and just file, take the week too and you might get lucky with court.

Sorry I don't have any better advice.

[wendl]

In most states you can file an ex parte emergency hearing they usually have the hearing one day a week, how long before DH gets home.??

You can ask the courts to allow (sad allow huh) dh to have the child the entire time he is home from Iraq.

You can do this without an attorney, but I think if you attorney hasnt withdrawn you may need him. Post to SOC about it and see what he says.

[fight4ss]

Thanks guys - I'll post to Soc.

DH is coming home in about 3 weeks....

I called Chancery Court here and they told me that I couldn't do anything because I'm just his wife even though I have Power of Attorney. Said the best HE could do is file pleadings.

It's just so frustrating....

Blessings!

[joni]

>>>>>our lawyer advised us to give SS to BM until DH returns - then we'll go to court.


You need a new attorney.  This was crappy advice.  

You need an attorney who's much more aggressive and proactive and MAXIMIZING the amount of parenting time the father has with his child.  The standard BS visitation is not appropriate here.  Your atty should have settled this matter and made everything contingent around your DH's short leave at home (like, father gets childs the entire time during his R&R).  PERIOD

Go to this site, find an atty who's certified in family law.  

//www.aaml.org/directory.htm

[fight4ss]

Wow! I really like our attorney, but you really think this was crappy advice? I was more ticked that she waited until court day to give us this option instead of telling us about this days in advance so we could be more prepared - - like making concessions for this and other stuff that has come up this year.

Well, our lawyer is sitting on credit right now that we have with her. She said that she wouldn't use all the money since we didn't have our day in court yet.

You really think she's a bad attorney?

[awakenlynn]

Get a new lawyer, one who understands alittle about the military.  Immediately start filings for a modificatation of visitation.  My husband just got out.  I keep visitations active even if he was gone.  BUT in this case, you need to update because of the Iraq issue.

You should be allowed to keep the visitation schedule as written, regardless of DH being in the country or not.  Then SS is with you regardless of where your DH is.  This may avert some of your future problems.  Before I married my DH, his parents had visitation for him.  Ex didn't like it, but he was overseas for 2 years and on a ship, he did the best he could.

[joni]

Yes, get a new attorney.  Get your money back.

I agree and further...when your DH is in for a 2 week R&R, he should have first priority with his child regardless of mom's plans because of his tour.  He should have his kid for the full two weeks.  For crying out loud, he's not seen his kid in months.  What's with the standard visitation crap?  It's anything but standard.

And this BS advice of take what you can get now and we'll go to court later is total BS.   Everyone knows it takes twice as much (money) to try to change something later.  The courts tend to be gender biased against fathers and it's very difficult to undo current court orders and get more visitation whatever.  Generally you have to have a significant change of circumstance to get things changed.

And I absolutely agree that you should have visitation with your stepchild while dad's away so this child can have a relationship with you and their stepsibling.

From the custodial parent's point of view, it's their responsibility to see that this happens.  There's generally a custody factor regarding one parent's ability to foster the relationship with the other parents and that parents' family.  This isn't happening for you.

What do you think all of us on this board are here for?

[fight4ss]

I am going to have a serious talk with my lawyer and put her in the hot seat. The more I dig around, the more I see that she didn't help us out very much.

I DO have visitation with my stepson. It's EOW when DH is in the country and 1 weekend a month when DH is out of the country.

We've been arguing with BM for weeks now about this R&R thing and she's insistent on us not having him the entire 2 weeks. And, the wording in the agreement we made isn't helping. So we're probably going to have to have an emergency hearing.

The last e-mail from BM stated this was her last "gift" to us and we could take it or leave it. And sadly, because of the way the agreement is stated, she doesn't have to give us any time. And it sucks!!!!

We DO have a clause in our agreement about all that "fostering a good relationship" bull crap - but of course BM doesn't have a clue what that means. All she cares about is herself.

I checked out that website for good family law attorneys. There's none listed in my area. The lawyer we have has a good reputation for winning custody for fathers... so we went with her....

Right now I'm just tired and frustrated and trying to figure out how we're going to scrape up enough $$ to do this emergency hearing.

Thanks you guys for all your help.

[wendl]

Well maybe you need to sit down with your attorney and explain that she is working for YOU AND DH and this is what you would like.

You need to get your orders more specific and put in a clause about your husbands military where he gets the child when he returns for R&R regardless of whos time it is at the current.


It is so sad to see our men and woman whom are deployed defending our freedom get screwed when the return for R&R and are not allowed to see their own children that they have been away from for so long.
**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**