Issues with my husband's EX

[mariaadams]

Right now my husband is in Iraq finishing his one year tour at WAR...He tried coming home a couple of times because our twin daughters were in the hospital with pnemonia. Their mother neglected to give us the hospital name or room number and when we tried getting a red cross message she didn't like the fact that I was sending it and she wouldn't release the medical information and told Red Cross that only if he requested information through them would she release the information. So he had to go to the Red Cross there in Tikrit Iraq in order to formally get a Red Cross message about his daughters in the hospital to the command. Well after that she takes the girls to Florida during his visitation time and the command doesn't let him go on leave because they contacted her commmand and she had already put in leave time. Now after her leave is over My husband's command is letting him come home on R&R for 2 wks. She is going to be dropping off the girls at her mother's house in Houston coming back from Florida and she lives in El Paso. We are at Ft. Hood so we figured we could pick up the girls from there since she just wants to pawn them off on her family. She had told us that they were alot to handle when they were both sick in the hospital which was only about 2 wks ago so this is what she does??? I don't understand that one. We want to pick them up as soon as he gets home next week. We don't know whats going to happen because they are 3yrs old and if they are not with their mother then he figures they should be with us since he will be home. Its not in the Divorce Decree that we should have to ask HER Mother if we can pick up the girls....so should this be a problem. We also want to take her to court for not letting him talk to them when he calls...which was everyday when they were in the hospital since she only gave us her cell number thats the only thing we can call to check up on them. She says we are interrupting her life and that They have a life and are not waiting everyday to see if Daddy Calls or not. He is in Iraq and still finds time to call everyday to talk to all of us since we are his family. She has tried everything to make some drama in our marriage but it has not done anything but made us grow stronger as a couple and Family....What should we do about her? Will Parent Alienation be anything to bring up in court? HELP!!!

[MKx2]

I can certainly understand your concerns about your SDs.  It is such a shame when one parent acts in such a selfish and irrational manner.

Before I address any of your issues, though, I would ask that when you post again that you break the post up into paragraphs - a large block of text as you have posted is difficult to read, and many will just look at the "block" and move on to the next post.  No offense, but if you want to get responses with lots of ideas and good information this will definitely help that.

I don't know what to say about the telephone visitation as you did not post the exact wording of the court order.  Without the CO there is no way of knowing if BM is in contempt in any way.

Additionally, while I certainly agree with you that if BM is not available and BF IS, the girls should be with him.  However because both BM and BF are in the Armed Forces this might be a bit more difficult.  I believe that while in the Service the CP must designate a "guardian" for the child/ren - short term and long term.  Is it possible that she has designated her mother (I assume the maternal grandmother) as the guardian for for short and long term?  I don't know that sort of designation would over ride a civil court order.  That might be something you want to check with JAG about.

It is difficult to offer any opinion concerning the release of medical information without the verbiage of the CO - does your husband have joint legal?  If so, then he needs to request the information.  Unfortunately as the step-mom, you cannot request any of this information.  Well ... you can, but no one has to give it to you.  This type of information is only given to the legal parents or someone named in a court order as having the right to such information.

As far as PAS is concerned ... with what you have written above, I'm not quite sure how this fits into that area.  Is she telling the children that Daddy is a bad man, or something like that?  I just don't see how the refusal of telephone visitation while in the hospital plays into PAS.  Does your DH have telephone visitation written into the CO?  If he doesn't, that is another thing that should be addressed.

I'm not trying to say that you should not pursue anything in court, however, you need to have some solid evidence of these types of things for the courts to even consider them.

As a matter of curiosity, why are you taking her to court?  Are there specific issues?  Or is she in contempt?  Knowing this type of information would certainly help people in answering your questions in a much better way.

BTW, my great-niece is being deployed in 2 weeks (2nd tour in Iraq) and is leaving her 18 month old son behind with her parents ... she and I have some issues over this as the BF (they were never married) is available to care for this little guy.

[mariaadams]

The Court order doesn't state anything about the Phone visitation. She did send us an email letting us know when she is letting us call to talk to them but still does not answer.

A little background on our issues with her:  She had left the twins who were premature with my husband because she wanted to do something with herself (she joined the military). She left them and took off! She rarely called. I knew that one of the twins needed special care and started taking both of them to Specialists(Neurologist, Speech Therapist, Endocrinologist, Respiratory Therapist) The smaller of the twins has Assymetry. Her body is not proportionate. She has one leg longer than the other, she started having seizures, she is 3yrs old and only 20lbs, she was diagnosed with Russell Silver Syndrom (RSS), and she is taking growth hormones now.

She left them at 14 months and then they were with us. They started calling me Mommy and we didn't think she was going to come back until she showed up and wanting them. We went to court and they said that he had Joint Custody but she was awarded the Primary Caregiver because they thought that she made a choice to better herself for them. Him being their father and taking care of them while she took off meant nothing and the judge had made up his mind already, as it seemed.

Shortly after that my husband got orders to go to Iraq and has been trying really hard to call them as much as possible to let them know that Daddy hasn't forgotten them. When we called and they started calling me Mommy again on the phone she made sure to correct them which made them unhappy and confused. I am ok with it because she is their BM but if she was concerned she would have never left them in the first place knowing their condition....AS THEIR MOTHER...thats what I think.

I was a single mother in the military before I met my husband and I know how things are but I never left my children. I never took off so that I could better myself. I struggled but never let my children know that I was or show that we were.

She has my husband as their father and he is a wonderful one. He cares about his family alot. He only wants to be able to spend time with them because he only has 2 wks but after that he wants to be able to know that they are taken care of and that they are ok...He always knows where we are at and that if anything was to happen he would be the first to know because he is our children's father. She needs to realize that he is only trying to be there for them and whats best for them. It has nothing to do about her and her life.....They are a part of her life but his as well...

Sorry if this is so long....

The court order does not go into when both are in the military but I had the same problem before and my ex was awarded Temp Custody while I had to go TDY....and PCS to Korea for a year. I tried to leave our son with my parents cause i gave them short term and long term guardianship but it did not matter in court. He is the BF.

Thanks for the info.....I will be asking more questions as things occur....We need some guidance on alot of issues with this.

[StPaulieGirl]

Your husband and his ex are both in the Military, right?  Same branch of service?  He should have a talk with his 1st Sargent (or CO)about how to proceed.  The advantage would be to expedite this whole situation so it would be favorable to your husband.  

Btw, we all appreciate the great job our military is doing over there!

[MKx2]

Since your court order does not address telephone visitation, when you go back to court, you MUST get this in the order.  Bearing in mind that at 3, two minutes on the phone is a "lifetime"!

The fact that she literally "abandoned" them is horrific!  I can certainly understand the lost and empty feeling you and DH must have when the courts gave her primary residential.  It seems that far too often the father is ignored in these cases.  Equal parenting time is a right for all children - although when both bio parents are in the military it can present a problem logistically speaking.

Sadly many courts are biased toward mothers and more often than not award them primary residential even in a case such as yours.

I think your best bet would be to modify the existing court order to (at the very LEAST) award you weekly telephone visitation along with alternating major holidays ... I don't know if your DH is a "career" military man, but certainly a 50/50 primary custody should be sought when he is discharged (hopefully soon!).

Read everything you can find in the articles and archives at this site - you must arm yourself with knowledge in order present a solid case for changing the primary physical to at minimum 50/50.

Be well and go safely, and let us know how things are progressing.

[mariaadams]

We have gone through the Commander and 1Sgt. They seem to be concerned with more issues in Iraq than his family back here. He is coming home for R&R Finally and at that time he will speak with her command. We will see how that goes and at the most will have an appt. with JAG. They are both ARMY.

My husband is with the ACE 104th MI BN in Tikrit Iraq and is glad to be serving in the ARMY but really wants to come home already. Thanks for all the support and encouragement. Believe me they appreciate the Packages sent and the mail.

He is hoping that during his 2wks R&R that she will allow him to see the twins more than just his weekend. WE ARE PRAYING !!!!

Thanks for the info.

[StPaulieGirl]

Listen, witholding vistitation is a morale issue, and as such the Army Command should be aware of this.  It's quicker than court, that's for sure.

We are all mighty proud of our soldiers who are liberating the Middle East!  My prayers are with you and your husband.  Have a wonderful New Year :-)

[MixedBag]

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