Letting go

[Anthony_ill]

Hi, sorry in advance of the rambling on to follow:

I have received great advise from many of you on this site (Soc is an awesome resource) and thanks for all that you continue to do.

Not sure if this will be asking for advise or just something to think about.

I have been separated/divorced now about 5 years (after a 15 year marriage). While I wasn't perfect (we all are not) the marriage ended due to multiple infidelity on my ex-wife's part. The attorney's however encouraged (for the benefit of the two teenage children) a no-fault divorce and somehow I requested and received a 50/50 joint parenting agreement (had the both kids every weekend plus extra days).

That lasted only 6 months, and we found ourselves in court (visitation
interference from the BM) After an additional 6 months of court, and GAL; Counselors; Legal; Mediation; while I lost countless days, she did not get a slap on the wrist. The entire event read like many of the Alienation studies I read, but the Judge (Illinois) did not want to allow that and even threated me with "Do you want to see the kids at all??" type of statements.

One year later I found myself fighting the battle again. This time the PAS
behavior had a greater affect.

After another 2 years in court/GAL/Counselors and dragged thru numerous false DCFS (Children and family services) and false police reports (Orders of protection), she just picked up and moved.

The only judge comment, "Looks like you'll have a hard time serving her with any more motions" (current motion was just left open).

After speaking with a number of attorney's, they indicated with one child
almost at 18 and the other one at 16 all the money could not change this in time. It seem to make sense that after a certian year kids could not be forced even if the paperwork did not change. Cases were sited very close to this type where the dad won but still lost since the kids refused to follow any orders (and the BM played down the situation).

I decided to just let go, but it has been hard. During this entire time, the
more I pushed the more she used the kids as a shield. During counseling they seemed very confused and hurt, but blammed me for all the confusion. I became the bad guy since I was causing the BM all the pain and suffering as well as forcing them to therapy.

I have wrote them weekly letters, just saying hi and while these were forwarded to a local post office box, I am not sure how many they received (I am now getting some returned).

Be careful what you think you may have (as to agreements). no CS just some recently expired maintaince. I thought I had a pretty good agreement (very clear dates ect), but if the other party doesn't play nicely then it becomes your issue. I documented everything but laws don't seem to be affected. The "Best interest of the children" continued to be used (regardless of any laws).

In my case she had no fear of who she lied to (currently she is in hiding not just from me, but the Government, Police, Mortgage Lenders, County collections, family, and her even her ex-boyfriend who tried to be the saving knight and now is has his names attached on many of these areas.

I miss my kids but sometimes there is nothing you can do. While I hurt today, my only hope is that we will be back together after the dust settles. I have faith in that.

I've looked for them, but so far she has used bad addresses and have left to a dead end so far. I hope one day that some of these laws will have some teeth that when broken will have some consequences and not just looked the other way. The jugde indicated if I could find that she
had moved out of state the laws get alittle harsher, but in my experince so far that it'll do me more damage than any good.

Advice and or thoughts??

Thanks for listening -

[wendl]

It is sad how they throw around the phrase "In the best interest of the child"  but rarely act in the best interest of the children.

It is a shame that people that lie on the stand and are caught in their lies do not even get a slap on the hand (what does that teach our childrne that it is ok to lie--not in my house)

Continue to write your children (even if they are returned to you, keep them, some day you may find your children and show them)

It is sad when one parent tells the children YOU left when in reality she/he kicked you out, but get it in writing so you can show your children later in life that it was NOT your choice to leave.

Hugs to you and all of us parents/stepparents that have to go thru this crap.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Mr.fixitall]

I am sorry to hear about your situtation because I can truly relate with the PAS stuff as I have been dealing with for years.  Just want to let you know that 'Dads Divorce' forum is another great website for this kind of stuff.   I have gotten alot of info there.  Good luck.

[my3sons]

Keep that faith alive.  It may take some time, but your kids will come back to you.  Keep writing those letters until they do and I truly hope you find them, and peace.

[gipsy]

At there age And  with all the crap that you all have been through ,
    You still arent so far out there, I see My own family , Sisters, Nieces , And nephews , They are all intact families , And when the children get this age they go there way a bit ,Then as they get a little older they come around a bit , But the bottom line is ,, I see my family on the usual holiday's and occassional get together , And  this will be likely to happen soon for you , Part of this is like this
   My sister has been glad that all gher children are grown , And there is one 16 year old left at home ,And she will also be grown ,  But Because of our situation we worry about this DE NESTING  in a different way ,