Step mom ready to lose mind

[glessen]

I have 4 step children. My husband is older then me, which is fine. But I do not understand why my husband can not get a back bone with these kids.
Thankfully we are only responsible for one now, she is 17.

The big picture of losing my mind is the BM. She bad mouths the father with the children. And when ever they need anything to call there father. For she is so tight and money hungry for herself she is not about to give her own money to them.

The only time we hear from the children is when they need something. They never call to say hi.

Except for the son. But that took dad to take him into the garage and beat the hell out of him for direspecting him and myself. So there realationship is good now until BM puts her two cents in.

I just hate to see my husband put his hopes up when the daughter says she will stop by, knowing that she won't. But he waits.

When they call for there birthday money even thou if might of been since last year when he heard from them last, he sendas them there money.

I am about to lose my mind wishing BD would get a back bone.

[notnew]

Beat the hell out of him?  That sounds real nice. I don't know if you are exagerrating or not, but personally, a statement like that is stepping into dangerous territory.

I know that sometimes kids do need a good spanking. Older kids rarely need to be hit as a form of disipline. My wife has two grown children and maybe slapped her two about 2-3 times during their older child to teenage years and that was only in extreme circumstances (daughter had a habit of becoming emotionally out of control yelling and crying, typical slap on the face scenario would bring her right out of it and I only remember once for that)  but if you are beating the hell out of your kids, there is a much bigger problem.


If your husband chooses to let his kids walk over him (in your opinion), then that is his choice to make, not yours. I am sure your frustration level is adding to his stress over these matters.  You can be supportive while letting him know that you care for him and when he is hurt by his children, you hurt for him.

You think this is driving you crazy? Try being with someone with a younger child and dealing with this stuff. While I know it is frustrating to go through at any time, you have to be thankful that you both are at the end of the line.

It is important for your husband to firmly guide his children while assuring them of his love and make them responsible for themselves. Doling out money endlessly is not the answer. Filtering some now and then is a good parent. Saying no when the need is frivilous or due to irresponsibility is being a good parent. The kids will get mad, but they will get over it.

You both have to accept the BM is always going to be the way she is. Letting her know that her actions are causing friction is the best way to let her know to keep up the good work and even to pile more on.

Try not talking about BM at all while any of the kids are around. If their requests are unreasonable, tell them I'm sorry you are going through this, but we really aren't in a position to offer any help right now. If he wants to help, then he should, but not be an open checkbook all the time.

Living well is the best revenge. It is more important to be at peace with yourselves. Your relationship will not survive otherwise. The kids are grown. They are supposed to grow up and live their own lives and now it is time for you two to live your lives. Enjoy!

[glessen]

His son was 19 when that was threaten. And my husband felt like if his son could call him a SOB, No good father, and just called from jail with a bond of $900.00 and when we said no because he failed to go to court then all of a sudden dad is no good. But that was the first time I saw my husband have a back bone. And when they sat down and talked by time things were done the son was crying and now they have a good relationship with one another.

The daughter who is 17 is hard headed and if things do not go her way well then she has nothing to do with you. And she believes what ever mother says,even if mother is wrong.

The 22yr. old daughter who is in college she is a clon of her mother and acts like it also. We only she her once a year maybe and that is at Christmas time. We hear from her on her birthday wanting to know if dad is going to send birthday money.

And these three kids live 35 minutes away from there dad. And if they want to come and see him when they need something mother will not let them use her car. They can call or mail him. Well that takes to long to do I guess.

The 26 yr. old lives out of state and is married and does just fine. Image that away from mother and does fine.

But the other three just use there father and I just feel bad for I can see right through them but I hate to be so negitive about them to there father.

[notnew]

19 yo calling from jail asking for a bond from Dad and failed to appear before? IMHO - I may be willing to help out with police trouble first time depending on the issue - after that no way. Your DH should have refused to listen to that mess and just hung up the phone. However, it seems like it worked out the way it was handled so that is fine. The question is did he get the bond money from dad?

22 yo - old enough to be on her own. Allot XX amount for Christmas & B'day and mail (at 22 I'd say no more than $50).

17 yo - time for her to learn lessons the hard way. If she is stubborn let her stumble over her hard headeness. Don't pick up her messes for her.

Mom has no obligation to let the kids use her car and neither do you two.

The problem I see here is the failure of two parents who are not together to raise independent kids and know when it's time to kick them out of the nest.

One tactic my wife has developed, when X kid calls and starts bellyaching about money problems, she jumps right in with statements about how the increased cost of living is making it so the budget isn't working anymore, and it's just not right that with two jobs, she still is struggling from paycheck to paycheck. Usually stops them in their tracks before they ask.

I see how frustrating for you this can be. You cannot fix it. You need to let your DH know you love him but you don't like the way he allows the kids to treat him.

I don't know what else to suggest to you. It is hard to become detached from this type of situation when you love one of the parties involved. Being a step-parent is a no-win situation. My wife says she is expected to love my child as much as a parent would (which she does no doubt), and when that child is with us, be just as responsible as a parent, but when it comes to any serious issues, she is placed firmly out of the picture (ex hates her involvement) by ex, schools, etc., and it is a slap in the face.

Good luck and try to have a relaxing weekend - I keep telling you they are old enough to stop worrying and let them make their own mistakes. Grown Kids = YOUR time. Take it and enjoy it. Tell him I said so. What else do you have to do? Wait to die and hate every minute of it?

Learn to laugh at these silly things. When you can't take it, go do something for yourself. The two of you should plan something relaxing together and away from these pressures.

[glessen]

Thanks a lot for your comment. I really mean that. It is hard to be a step-mom and not get upset at things. And I try to tell my husband what the kids are doing. And for the bond money no he did not give it to him. And we heard about it from him and BM on how we just gave up on him. Between court cost and fines when the son was under age and living with BM we could go on a little vacation.

The problem with the parents is and this is my opinion and I have been on the other end of a ex not helping out on his child.

Mother thinks since father divorced her he owes her for the rest of her life. And her mission is to make him life a living hell.

Dad trys to talk with children calls them and they never return his calls. Leaves voice mail on his their phones and nothing. Dad trys to help out with children, bought a car for $600.00 had a few problems but dad fixed them for dad is a mechinc for UPS. The car was great. I would of kept it. But we gave it to her. GAVE IT TO HER. Mother tought she needed a new car, like a 2005 car. Nothing he does is good enough in the eyes of BM. And yes that should not matter. But when BM tell child she deserves better, daughter thinks so. What ever mother says is right and what dad days is wrong because mom said.

A good example of feeling hurt for my husband. He spoke with his 22yr and she was suppose to stop by to get her b-day for they were coming through town back from St. Louis. My husband stayed up all night waiting for her to stop by until she called at 11pm and said she was not coming by for mom was not going to stop by the house, he can mail it.
I knew she would not stop by, and I tried telling him that. But he thought maybe there my be hope. There is no hope.