Depressed

[KathyNY]

Even though we weren't planning on having skids over this weekend, because we've had them the past four weekends in a row, plus one every Wednesday, we probably would've ended up taking them out to do something today or tomorrow anyway.

Knowing that we CAN'T see them, because they're in Illinois for the week, with BM, really sucks.  It's one thing when it's our choice not to visit with them, but when that choice is taken from us, it makes it worse.

My FH has tried calling to talk to the kids at least four times now, since BM told us she was leaving Thursday after court (it's now Saturday morning), and he still hasn't reached them.  He asked her to have them call and say goodbye to him, told them we have free long distance so we don't mind making the calls- but nothing.  We don't even have her phone # out there, just her cell phone # that she never answers.

It's going to be a long week.

[ocean]

We all have been there....
Just think of it as a vacation for them. I know you miss them and want to be with them but she is probably busy with the wedding stuff. Just let her have this week and you will see them soon! I am sure her laywer told her she must come back so try not to worry so much about that!
Go enjoy the nice weather!!!

[KathyNY]

I know...and I feel guilty taking up space here when there are so many of you out there with more extreme issues then just missing your kids right now.  
But BM has NEVER taken the kids away for even a weekend!  We have, and we made sure they had phone contact at LEAST once a day, but she's never taken them on vacation for more than just a day trip so this is really hard.  Not only is it our first time being away from them, but with our fears about the rest...I'm sure you can imagine.

I'm at the office, FH is home sleeping after working all night.  We both figured since we don't have the kids we might as well work all weekend, but I can't concentrate.
We're going to try and spend some quality time together and see if that doesn't bring us back together, since we haven't had any alone time in weeks, and we've both been so stressed it's eating at our relationship.  

Thanks for letting me vent.  I've shared with FH the advice and support I've gotten from you all here and he thanks you too.
Have a good weekend.

[Genie]

and you just learn how to deal with it.  Your FH will most likely have a very hard time with this as well if the move it granted.  Maybe you guys can take up some hobbies or interests or get involved with volunteering or something that will occupy your time and keep your minds off of missing the children.

Now, don't forget to bring up in court at your next court date that she made no effort at all for the children to call while they were gone, that she did not answer her cell phone when FH called to speak with the kids and that she did not return or have the children return his phone calls to them.

Also that she didn't leave a number of where to contact except her cell phone which she refuses to answer.  That you didn't know where they were staying and had no way to contact the children to talk to them or in case of an emergency.

Yes it is there wedding and they were very busy BUT that doens't mean FH can't talk to his kids during that time.

This could show that she may already be interfering with his contact with the children and they haven't even been allowed to move yet.  Definitely bring it up to your attorney.

Hang in there.  It gets better. And the pain will ease with time. I hope you don't have to go through that though.

[KathyNY]

Thank you, Genie.  We are keeping a log of all the calls FH is making.  He leaves a message on her voice mail every time, and he's been calling from his cell phone instead of our land line so we'll have an easier time proving that he called (even if the outgoing calls get erased before we should have to show this in court, every single incoming and outgoing call is listed on our monthly cell phone bill, with # of minutes).  
He only tried calling one time yesterday, around 11:30am or so, because he felt if they were doing a Sat wedding he didn't want to interfere with that.  So he's trying to be flexible, and I'm sure the judge will see that, added to the fact that we had to give up a visitation day for this, and, like you said, we weren't given ANY contact info. and now she's already interfering with his contact with the kids and they've only gone out there to visit for a couple of a days!  Thanks again.

[KathyNY]

BM finally had kids call my fiance... but he was at work and missed the calls.  They left him a voice mail message saying they missed him.  He did get ahold of them afterward, and SS (5yo) gets on the phone and the 1st words out of his mouth were "Dad, how come you put on that paper that mom didn't tell you we were leaving?"  

BM must've told the kids about the petition, and is telling them that daddy lied- which he did NOT.  When we filled out the petiton to have them temporarily prohibited from leaving the state, we had to list a reason.  In the reason we stated that when we found out about BM's (now husband's) transfer, and confronted her, she admitted that she wasn't going to tell us they were moving until the end of summer.  FH believes her exact words at the time were when they were "all set" but she did say that they weren't leaving until the end of summer- and we put that together to mean, had we not confronted her first, she wouldn't've told us until they were ready to leave (leave = all set).  Our lawyer agrees, and says we could've put whatever we wanted in the petition, even if it was lies, and it doesn't matter.  But we didn't lie.

SS asked us when this first came out about us fighting the move "Mom said Dad lied about that guy" and we figured he was talking about the lawyer, and our decision to stop her afterall.  I can't believe she's talking to them, at 4 & 5 yo about the details of the case like this.  
My FH is documenting everything, though, and will tell his lawyer (notice I didn't say "our" this time) tomorrow.  I meant it when I said I was drawing back.

[KathyNY]

He didn't miss their callS- it was only 1 call.

FH did not ask BM why there hasn't been any contact for the past 3 days, why she waited until Sunday to have the kids call- he's going to leave that up to the lawyer.  And he didn't question her about what SS said on the phone, either.  He says that's not responsibility anymore- he'll document it and hand it over to the lawyer.

[ocean]

I would try and tape the phone calls...ask your lawyer tomorrow (after you tell them about what the kids said). The kids probably are asking a lot of questions about moving, away from daddy and she is not handling it in the best way. Your DH should just tell the kids "don't worry about that stuff, the grown-ups will take care of it and I love you very much..." and then change the subject.
Glad she called ! At least you know they are there....

[kaylene99]

Hi KathyNY,

This sounds very familiar to me!  My stepkids have asked my DH questions along the same lines when we were litigating their relocation case.  The best answer?  Just tell the kids "Hey guys, you don't need to worry about that stuff because that's adult conversation and that's between your mother and I.  Just always remember that we love you both no matter what and are trying to work together to do what's best for you always.  OK?"  

There's no need to sling dirt on BM because the kids will grow up and eventually learn that she lied/lies.  Just let her bury herself deeper and deeper!  Lately, as my stepkids get older, my DH has started defending himself against the lies but, of course, without slinging any dirt on the BM.  For example, kids recently asked why DH didn't let them go on vacation with BM out of the country.  Well, the truth was DH offered a compromise to BM but BM refused so DH simply told kids "No, that's not true.  I would have loved for you guys to go and even offered a compromise to your mother.  Unfortunately, she didn't agree to the compromise."  When the kids heard that from DH, they never asked about it again. :-)   DH and I are coming to the realization that if we simply put off responding to the kids then they will think that BM's lies are the truth.  The truth needs to be told but we have to be tactful and careful with the way we relate it.  We are not interested in defaming BM -- she's fully capable of doing that herself without our help! *LOL*

Take care!