The official, or "unofficial" disengaging essay........

[Sherry1]

Please keep in mind that "disengaging" is NOT for everyone. Many of you have DHs who are TRULY supportive - which is not the same as DHs who only THINK they're supportive.

I've found that for my friends with whom I've shared this, understanding some background is sometimes critical for real "disengaging" to begin. A lot of this is opinion, intuition, & a lot is also experience. Please keep in mind that the people in my "model" are not psychotic. They are relatively normal people with good intentions, husbands & wives who love each other & want to stay married, in SPITE of their step kids!

I believe that men & women convey different facets of life to their children. Women tend to be concerned with socialization: manners, morals, respect, appreciation, cleanliness, thoughtfulness, etc, as well as physical & emotional health. Men tend to be concerned with results: touchdowns, batting averages, spelling bees, "accomplishments" in general. In normal (not critically dysfunctional) nuclear families, this arrangement works pretty well. The children develop bonds with their parents which permit the parents to maintain the "moral authority" to deal with their kids. Most of these men think they've been great parents, & have terrific kids who could be loved by anyone. Then they get divorced & eventually marry us second-wives, expecting everything to function in the same way that it did in the first marriage. The problem is, they have no idea beyond their own personal, limited "parenting" what is involved in raising kids. One stepmom on one of the boards made the remark "I just don't understand how his 4 year old son can be sitting directly between him & the TV, & he doesn't see the kid playing with a lighter!" I believe he doesn't see because he's never had to. There has always been a woman in his life who takes care of "that stuff."

When we as stepmoms come into the lives of these people, many of us already mothers to our own biokids, we assume that we can expand our mothering role to include our new SKs, intending to keep on doing what we've been doing. Even those who have never had children of their own have those "mothering genes." Our problem is that we don't have the bonding with these kids that is required to give us the "moral authority" to parent our SKs.

The only way we can get that "authority" is through DH, & he must give it to us by expecting & demanding that his kids respond to us with obedience & respect, or at least respectful behavior. THAT is what is meant by a supportive DH. Most of them THINK they are supportive, & many of US think they are supportive. But unless they are willing to discipline their children every single time they speak disrespectfully to us, or ignore us, or disobey us, they are giving their children permission to continue & sometimes escalate, this behavior. And because our DHs have NEVER had to be mothers, they don't know what we're talking about when we try to get their help. They are still being the same parents they were when they were married to their exes, things worked out ok there, so they assume that the problem is US!

The more we "nag" & point out what's wrong with their kids, the more convinced they become that at the least, we have no parenting skills, & at the worst, we are child abusers. The more we are determined that these kids ARE GOING TO MIND US, the more parenting we do. And the more parenting we do, the less our DHs have to do. Which is exactly the way they want it. They would rather we didn't scream so much, but we're getting the job done (the kids brush their teeth when we are red in the face, they go to bed when we are spewing spittle). Dad can just keep on being a father, which means he doesn't fool with this stuff. But he's still thinking we're crazy, & can't understand why we're so mean to his kids. In addition, our "criticism" of his kids is seen as a criticism of him.

DH is not a mother, has never been a mother, & doesn't know what it means or requires to be a mother. DH is content being the same parent he has always been, & thinks his kids are fine the way they are. He's just as confused as we are about why we're having so many problems with our SKs, but in his heart, he believes that we are at fault.

Now we come to the kids themselves. Here we have children who, for the most part, have been raised by two parents with whom they are bonded & for whom they accept the power of their bioparents authority. We stepmoms come into their lives with no bond & with no authority. But we blindly assume the role of mother in our own homes, & all the responsibility involved. After the "honeymoon" with the kids is over, if we even have that period of peace & tranquility, the kids begin to test the waters. Now, keep in mind, they do this with their bioparents too, but quickly submit to the authority of these people for whom they have respected, admired, and depended on since birth. They look to DH to see what they can get by with, because they have no intention of submitting to our authority until they are made to do so. DH has never involved himself in these struggles between
his ex & his kids, because she can handle it herself. He doesn't see the problem. The kids don't know that he can't see the problem. They think he is giving them unspoken permission to defy us. And so they do. The struggles become more angry, more bitter, more frustrating.

And another amazing thing occurs. In some cases, we give these kids their first real taste of power. With their parents, they are willing to submit, because if nothing else, they fear the loss of their parents' approval. They feel no such need to have our approval. They find that with the mere shrug of a shoulder or a rolling of the eyes that they can turn a big strong adult into a raging maniac. By this time, we have become so frustrated, everything they do infuriates us. And in letting by with disrespectful behavior (& they get by with it because DH doesn't stop it), they are encouraged to even greater heights of disrespect, & they hone their cunning on us, gaining an even greater sense of power. We end up handing these kids tremendous power over us, on a silver platter, & they love it.

There we are, doing all the work (laundry, helping with homework, grocery shopping, cooking, chauffeuring, supplying needs, the list is endless), doing everything reasonable to maintain our family as we had envisioned, and these kids are treating us like bugs on the soles of their shoes. We are raging to our DHs, who can't understand why we're so angry, & we're wondering what we're doing here, working our rears off, trying to raise these children, feeling abused & unappreciated by DH AND his kids. Sometimes we think about divorce.

Now it's time to disengage.

In order to successfully disengage, you have to accept some realities. They are:

1. Your SKs are not your children.
2. You are not responsible for overcoming their previous "raising."
3. You are not responsible for what kind of people they are.
4. You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.
5. You are not obligated to become an abused member of the household just because you married their dad.
6. You are not responsible for raising your SKs.
7. All the responsibility belongs to your DH.
8. Your DH is not a mother.
9. Your DH is not going to raise his children the way you want him to.
10. Your SKs are not going to turn out the way they would if DH supported you.

What all this means is this: You must stop parenting your SKs. You must stop telling them what is expected of them. You must stop disciplining them. You must turn over all responsibility for them to your DH. You must allow DH to make whatever mistakes he makes. But first, you must explain to DH & SKs what is happening. This is what you say: "Everyone is unhappy, our home is miserable, & I'm completely frustrated & angry all the time. You kids are angry & frustrated with me, & it's getting worse. Someone has to do something about this, & I decided that it will be me. I have decided that I will no longer be responsible for getting you to bed on time, or getting you up in the mornings. I will not tell you to wash your hands before dinner, & I will not tell you to brush your teeth or take a bath. (You must list all those things for which you have assumed responsibility, whatever they are). I am no longer going to do anything that will give you the opportunity to treat me with disrespect. In the future, if you need anything, you must ask your dad. I will no longer take responsibility for (whatever, getting your school supplies, shopping for your clothes, doing your laundry, taking you to basketball practice, etc.) What I hope to accomplish is for us to begin to get along with each other, & the only way I know to do that is to let your dad be the parent."

And every time they ask you for something, or ask permission for something, you say "Go ask your dad." Your SKs may end up missing out on some terrific things because of your disengaging, but it was a choice they made when they decided to make your life miserable. Never give them the opportunity to treat you disrespectfully.

Many of you may be saying, does all this mean I have no rights? Absolutely not. You must choose your battles, & to disengage, your battles should be about those things that DIRECTLY affect you. For example, you have a right to keep your home with the degree of neatness & cleanliness that you desire (just leave the SKs rooms alone & concentrate on the communal areas). You can say, "From now on, I expect everyone to put their stuff away by bedtime. Since I will no longer be asking you to do it because I don't want to argue with you, anything that is left out after 9:00 will be disposed." Period, no discussion, just do it. If it's important to DH for his kids to keep their "stuff," HE will parent his children, or do it himself. "If you don't clear the table after dinner, I will not set a place for you at the next meal." Period, no discussion, just do it If it's important to DH for his kids to eat, HE will parent his children, or do it himself. "If you leave your dirty clothes on the floor in the bathroom, they will be disposed." Are you getting the idea? If DH chooses to do his children's chore, let him. The aim is NOT to straighten out your SKs deficiencies, it's to get your DH involved with his children, in whatever way he chooses, & to lessen your work load. If the kids are going to be unappreciative, let them be unappreciative of their dad.

You see, the REAL problem is not between you & your SKs, it's between you & your DH. These children are HIS responsibility & if he wants good things for them, he will parent them. If he doesn't care (believe me, he really does!), why should you beat your head against the wall?

My son ALWAYS had a bedtime, my SSs NEVER had a bedtime. Now I tend to my son & let DH tend to his. If he wants them to get a good night's sleep, he will parent them. If it's not important to him, I don't make it my concern.

My DH goes to work at 5:30 AM, which leaves me the task of getting everyone up & ready for school. It used to be a nightmare getting my younger SS up, he would growl & yell & scream & roll over & go back to sleep until I was screaming my lungs out, jerking the covers off. Every day started like that & I was miserable every evening, thinking about my next morning's task. So....I just stopped. I told DH to get him an alarm clock. And I told DH that if he wanted to help his son start his day well, he might consider making sure that SS goes to bed at a reasonable
hour, but that I would no longer make it my concern. SS missed 2 days of school because he wouldn't get up & I refused to make a second trip to take him there. DH decided to parent his son. He did it without being home by using consequences if his son did not get up in time to get ready for school.

The point is this: DH must decide what is important to HIM. You must be willing to put up with some degree of inconvenience to "allow" him to parent his children. But whatever inconvenience you suffer will be minor compared to the conflict that might be part of your life right now. My DH stepped up to the plate. Your DH might not. But that's HIS decision. Don't expect him to agree with your "new position." He doesn't agree with your current position. Don't expect him to like what you are doing - or to be more precise - not doing. The less YOU do, the more HE must do & that will not make him happy. You must remember that he has no right to expect more parenting from you than he is willing to do himself.

You may be thinking, this is nuts! We agreed to be "parents" to each other's children. Yes, but he also agreed to be a parent to his OWN children. None of this means that you can't do ANYTHING. It's very likely that DH will need your help. That's OK. The issue here is that DH must ASK you for your help, instead of what you've been doing - assuming the responsibility & being unappreciated for it.

When DH needs something done that he can't do himself (a ride for one of the kids while he's a work, for example), first, you have already told the kids "Go ask dad." So DH is REQUIRED to become involved in his children's lives. He now must THINK ABOUT what's involved in raising his kids, & we all know it's a lot of work. And you can agree to help out, only if DH asks. BUT, to disengage, you must be willing to withdraw your agreement to help IF the kids, between now & the event, treat you disrespectfully! And you must refuse to assist next time if DH & the kids don't say "Thank you." You also have a RIGHT to have your efforts appreciated.

When you begin to value yourself in this whole relationship by expecting to be treated with respect & appreciation, you'll feel a lot better. When I say "to value yourself" I mean that if your efforts are not appreciated - don't do it! Sometimes the SKs will think, "Well, we're in the car on the way to the ballgame, now I'm home free to be disrespectful!" BAM! They smart off to you! Well, turn that car around & take them back home - don't raise your voice or act insulted or point out
how ungrateful they are. Just say "I'm sorry you've decided to treat me disrespectfully. I must withdraw my offer to take you."

BTW, these are also good methods of getting your OWN children's respectful behavior!

I know, from my own experience, just how hard it is to "let go." But it's up to you to make the choice - "Am I going to continue to live in this awful situation, or am I going to do something about it." While you fear what will happen to everyone when you "disengage," as if the family will fall apart, you will be surprised at the change in your own life. I can't guarantee that everything will turn out the way it has for me, but I can guarantee that you will no longer feel angry, frustrated, resentful, & hurt. The HARDEST part is giving up the need to straighten out these kids & "change" them into the children YOU want them to be.






Addendum by SweetPea

disengaging is being missed. To me, disengaging isn't about the stepkids at all. YES, they are greatly effected by the decision to disengage, but I don't think they are the driving force. You don't disengage because you don't care or don't love them. If you didn't care you wouldn't have engaged with the kids to begin with. You disengage because you can't fix something that isn't your problem. I'm not talking about the children. Children will be children, I'm talking about "fixing" someone's parenting or lack there of. It's not about accepting or rejecting children. It's REFUSAL to take up the responsibilty that belongs to someone else anyways. You try and try and try and nothing changes until you can't try anymore.

The stuff that you talk about, Rave, with your SDs, as far as I can see, is all for their own good and legitimate stuff, but your DH doesn't see it like that. Instead he sees it as your side or their side, as an attack against them or BM. Not that its best for them. You tried so hard to change that. I don't blame you one bit for disengaging. Your DH always seemed very defensive, and my DH reacted the same way. Until finally I told him, SD isn't doing anything that I didn't do, but it's up to YOU and ME and BM to correct it. It's not an attack against her.

I, personally, haven't disengaged, but I thought about it, for different reasons than what you went through. I don't think I ever thought it was a bad thing. In fact, the first time I read the essay, I printed it and out and tucked it away just in case.

I contemplated disengaging because I felt that I was enabling my DH to not become a better parent. My situation was a little different, because BM is very supportive, I have a wonderful relationship with SD, and things SEEMED to be going smoothly while she was living here, for everyone BUT me. The problem with me was BM freely admits to not doing what she should as a parent (disciplining, keeping up with her education, chores) but instead of trying to fix it, she'll just send SD to me. So BM can continue being the doting, loving mother, and I get to be the hard ass and disciplinarian, and the one to teach her right from wrong. Why should I take responsibilty for teaching HER child when she doesn't even care enough to try, but expects someone else to do it? My DH, he just thinks I am wonderful mother material and should get an award for best SM of the year. Unfortunately, he was no better at discipling SD than BM was. But he fully expected me to be the hard ass as well. The one to show SD the right path to walk and guide her and make sure she was OK. While he gets to just make sure she's happy and smiling. I told him its all well and good that you think I'm a good role model, but you can think I'm a good role model AND make a few rules of your own.

My whole life was rearranged and upheaved, yet my DH's life continued with a few minor changes. WHAT UP with DAT?? This isn't even MY kid YET MY whole life is changed? It wasn't his fault because he was as new to the living situation as I was, and he just continued being the type of father he always was. Not really taking the initiative or being involved in the every day stuff. That stuff he left to me.

When I talked about disengaging he was not happy. I didn't do it because SD left before it got to that point of frustration, but he had a fit. "If YOU don't want SD to come live with us, than she won't. You keep saying your not her mother, so if you don't want to have anything to do with raising somebody else's kid who is so problematic, she just won't ever come back to live with us."

I told him, "Don't make me the bad guy. SD is NOT problematic. She is a regular kid. She does stuff that all kids do. It's not SD. It's YOU, heaping ALL the responsibilty of YOUR child on ME. I WANT to HELP raise YOUR child. I love her. I want her to come live with us. I just don't want to raise her BY MYSELF." That kind of made him pause. I told him he could not be the same type of father that he was in the past, because I wasn't her mother and he needed to realize that. SD did, I did, he needed to recognize it. I told him no matter what I do for SD that it didn't excuse him from what he SHOULD do.

I didn't talk about disengaging because, I don't love or get along with SD, but I know my DH, as long as I do it, he WON'T. I was being an enabler for both HE and BM. He even acknowledged it. But if and when SD comes back, we will definitely have to try it a different way. I have a career that is VERY important to me. The quality of my work was declining, I have a job that requires a lot of travel, and I did only a minimal amounts because SD was here. Instead of being the 2nd resort when it came to SD, I was the first. If I couldn't change my schedule DH would "HAVE" to change his. I told him that didn't make any sense. SD should be his primary responsibilty not MINE, because she's HIS daughter. I should be the one helping HIM, not the other way around.

He finally got it. When SD was living here, it got to the point where I began resenting her, until I came to my senses and laid the blame squarely where it belonged. On DH, myself and BM. I was so tired, and SD demanded so much attention and energy that I wasn't used to giving. DH was used to it, but I wasn't. I became SM and began losing me. I wasn't DH's wife, I wasn't me, I was SD's SM and that's it. My career became a blessing that saved my sanity because I would leave for a week and be able to get away.

Some people might say I'm being selfish. Fine, then I'm selfish. If I had wanted to be a full time parent, I would have had a kid. When I said "I do" I agreed to HELP DH with his daughter, NOT do it for him. Do I love my SD? Yes. Is she my top priority? Of course. I'd give my right arm for her. Does that excuse DH from his responsibilities? NO!!!!
And that's my story and take on disengaging.

[KathyNY]

So, I've been removing myself from the situation, and I have been (slightly) less stressed this past week.  I'm not spending all day at work searching the internet for information that might help our case, and I've had no contact with the lawyer.  

My fiance has this 55 question form to fill out from the law guardian, that he wanted me to fill out for him because I have better hand-writing.  I told him no- it's his responsibility.  I did, however, read it over when he was done and had him correct his misspellings so it didn't look like he didn't make it past the sixth grade!  :)  

Now, he's on nights again this week so he's home sleeping but was up for a bit cuz he came and took me to lunch (we've had no time together w/ working opposite shifts, and the stress of this whole issue has put a serious strain on our relationship).  He tried calling the lawyer to ask if we really have to go to court tomorrow for a pre-trial conference, when we did that last week when he was out of town, with his associate.  But there was no answer.  So my fiance calls and asks me if I'll try calling the lawyer in an hour or so to find out.  I said no.  He's mad.  He's not happy that it's already late in the day and he hasn't made it to bed yet, and he's going in to work early tonight as it is, and now I'm making him get up again to call the lawyer himself.  But I don't feel it's my place to call the lawyer and ask if "he" has to be there.  I just go for support so it's not "we."  

So where am I supposed to draw the line at disengaging when it comes to situations like this?  Do I give in here, but I think this is a big thing- I've been "reprimanded" on this site for my involvement with the lawyer, but also for making my fiance lose sleep during this stressful time.  I can't win!

[skye]

you can call and ask for him if he asks you to do so ...I personally feel if he asks me to do something its ok...but there is a huge difference in asking you to call and ask the lawyer a question...and you calling the lawyer to ask a question about the case

[KathyNY]

I know, I've come to realize that now.  I just wanted to do everything I could to help, and I've always been a control freak.  I've had to learn to let go of some of that.  And, actually, the lawyer has been calling me now.  I guess after court the other day (when the other dad involved dropped the bomb that he is no longer opposing the move), the lawyer tried to call me w/ the details of that court appearance, and yesterday he called me to set up our next appointment- I directed him to my fiance (his work schedule is harder to work around than mine anyway).

I really appreciate everyone's "constructive criticism" and it is has helped me realize what I can do to help my fiance best in this situation.  Thanks.