From Georgia did I do the right thing?

[bchandler]

I am from Georgia and I was wondering if I have done the right thing!
My ex boyfriend and I broke up not long after I found out I was pregnant. He kicked me out and said he was not sure what he wanted. I tried several times to try and work things out with him and he just said he wanted to have a good time right now. He had been divorced only a few months when we started dating. During my pregnancy I tried to keep involved as much as possible not denying him but he chose not to really be involved.  I got over the break up but what was important was the child. He started dating someone else that did not stop me from telling about dr visits anything that I thought would make him interested in the baby and even said we do not matter anymore this is for the baby right now there is no chance for us to get back together.  He continued his partying style no involvement and no support whatsoever from him. His parents on the other hand seemed generally interested and I did not want to deny anyone because of his behavior. I stayed in contact with them and they bought gifts for the baby and stuff. Well I had made arrangements with his parents to be at the birth or in the waiting room and all was planned. Well 2 days before the induction he called and said he wanted to be there. I told him no that was not a good day as I did not know how things would go and that the next day he could come and spend as much time at the hospital with the baby. He seemed ok with that . Well then things got worse he called and ended up saying he would be there and we argued and I was crying and we just hung up then his mother called screaming and threatening me!

Well I had the baby he nor his family was there just my family and I was registered on family. That evening they showed up in my room and the baby was having problems I eventually had them escorted out of the hospital and I was moved to another room and registered no info. His mother is a part time employee at this hospital. So while I stayed there at the hospital she has tried tracking me down harassing the units where the baby is and I have been a real drama.  I even called the father the next day to tell me that the baby was doing ok and he said he did not want to know anything or talk to me. So that pretty much said he was not interested at all.  I have not heard from them since and it has been 5 days now. I will let them see the baby when all calms down and he is ok. But the hospital is now involved because she breeched policies there and her harrasing behavior. Have I done the right thing?  I know by law they have no rights but you know I am the type that would have allowed them access to this baby now they have all showed me just how pysco they are.

[nosonew]

1.  Well, actually he does have rights, he is the baby's father.  

2.  He is likely (as is his family) going to be in your life for the next 18 years, so it is best if you sit back, take a deep breath, and try to get along with all involved, regardless of their comments you feel are threatening.

3.  You had originally agreed for his parents to be at the birth, and I can see why they were upset, this is their grandchild afterall.

4.  You seem to be upset that he changed his mind about being at the birth, which was not okay with you.  However, you changed your mind about his family being there...so what is the difference?  How are they wrong and you are right?

5.  I think with your hormones flying in all directions, you are letting your emotions over-rule your head.  I know all about this having 3 bio kids of my own.  However, you need to think about what is best for the baby in the long run, and that is YOU and DAD getting along for the BABY.  This child didn't ask to be born, you and dad did that.  So don't make it a miserable childhood for the kid by always fighting with dad. This will screw your kid up VERY bad.  Believe me, been there, seen it.

6.   I suggest to keep things on a more "friendly" atmosphere with his family, you call the hosp administration and explain that "in hind-sight, you should have allowed them information regarding the child, and had originally told her and her family they could be there".

7.  It takes BOTH parents to get along.  If he is going to be a jerk, you don't have to be also.  You just keep in your head at all times, 24/7, that you will do what is best for the baby, which is: BOTH PARENTS SHOULD BE INVOLVED WITH CHILD.

8.  Try and look at things thru their eyes before you respond to any situation, now or in the future.  How would YOU feel being kept from this child?  How would YOUR parents feel being kept from this child?  

All of the parents here have been kept from their child one way or another at one time or another, so you're not going to get alot of sympathy regarding what you have done.  But at least you asked if you did the right thing....which means you are having second thoughts.  I don't agree with what you did, I think you were pissed at dad and took it out on him by with-holding the child.  WRONG WRONG WRONG.  In the future, please do what is best....let him be in child's life.  

[NJDad]

Wow!

Great reply nosonew.

W

[amarie]

First of all it is your Right to have a stress free delivery and if you felt that not having any of these people there would allow for that then so be it, you did the right thing.  Don't ask for validaton here look inside yourself for that. You are now a mother and that is your top prioroty stop stressing over what you can't change( the fact that the babe's dad is a jerk), and start thinking about what you can do to be the best mom you can be.

It is still his child and you should allow him/them access with the agreement that they will refrain from harrasing you, I don't believe anyone except child sexual offenders and serial killers be denied access.  You are going to have to grow a thick skin and a cool head for your child's sake regardless of what they throw at you, love your child and love yourself to the best of your ability.  

He also needs to go to court and get some court ordered parameters for parenting time and/or Child Support.  

Let the hospital deal with them that is not your issue they should not have been harrassing you in the hospital.  

To another poster...
 "6. I suggest to keep things on a more "friendly" atmosphere with his family, you call the hosp administration and explain that "in hind-sight, you should have allowed them information regarding the child, and had originally told her and her family they could be there"."

Its great to keep it on a friendly not, she was not the one calling and harrasing them.  This does not matter anymore and she should not do this.  It was wrong of them to be harrasing a nine months pregnant woman/and a new mother period!  The Hospitals atleast where I am from in GA won't care if she tries to pardon them she(PG) will be fired period, they have strict strict rules about patient confidentiality.  She may even be brought up on charges BY the hospital. Anyone that threatens her and makes her feel stressed should NOT be at the delivery, for her and the baby's sake.

"7. It takes BOTH parents to get along. If he is going to be a jerk, you don't have to be also. You just keep in your head at all times, 24/7, that you will do what is best for the baby, which is: BOTH PARENTS SHOULD BE INVOLVED WITH CHILD."
Definately!
My motto is thick skin thick skin thick skin...


amarie

[nosonew]

Amarie, ummm I have yet to meet a male (as your profile states) that cares one little bit about the privacy of giving birth.  Secondly, if you were to read the initial posters entire post, it is obvious she had no difficulties with the other people being there initially, UNTIL she got pissed at dad.  Then, forget it.  Not fair to the other side of the family.  If she stated that she had changed her mind about ANYONE being there, so be it, her decision, but that wasn't the case.  And if having them there would cause stress, then fine, have them outside the door, but at least let them SEE the child and have INFO about the child.  But she didn't do this.  THAT is what I have a problem with!

Secondly, about the work thing.  If I had a family member in a hospital, who couldn't MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS/SPEAK FOR THEMSELF, I would find out what was going on too!  I don't know alot of grandparents or parents for that matter that wouldn't do this!  

Example:  If your sister (if you have one, or brother) and the spouse REFUSED to give you or your parents info on her condition, and all you know is that she is there, in a hospital, and YOU CAN NOT see or speak to her, what would you do?  Hmmmm....different story eh?  WHY?

Okay, hope you can see where I am going with this...

[amarie]

"Amarie, ummm I have yet to meet a male (as your profile
states) that cares one little bit about the privacy of giving
birth."
I am female I need to edit my profile better I guess...Maybe they should care more about the privacy of giving birth, it is a beautiful but a private thing. And it is her perogotive who she wants in that room.  Be it evicting her own mother.  No one has a RIGHT to be there, only the physician and the Nurses.  So you guessed I was female because of my take on birth.  Dang those Doula classes made a me think of birth soo differently.

 "Secondly, if you were to read the initial posters
entire post, it is obvious she had no difficulties with the
other people being there initially, UNTIL she got pissed at
dad. "  
She did not originally, but they called her and cussed her out mightily.  They threatened a pregnant woman who was about to have a baby.  And that is why she did not want them at the birth it was a matter of, are they going to do this while I am having the baby also?  Stress is never a good thing..

 
"And if having them there would cause stress, then
fine, have them outside the door, but at least let them SEE
the child and have INFO about the child.  But she didn't do
this."
Having them outside the door could have been just as stressful, its better that they were not there out of site, even outside the door, out of mind.
She also tried to contact them after the birth, when she was calmer and relaxed, to tell them about the baby, and asked them if they wanted to see the baby but they stated that they didn't care ect.  I wouldn't be up to taking phone calls from someone who is illegally getting my private information, and using it to HARRASS me.

"Secondly, about the work thing.  If I had a family member in a
hospital, who couldn't MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS/SPEAK FOR
THEMSELF, I would find out what was going on too!  I don't
know alot of grandparents or parents for that matter that
wouldn't do this! "

Well I work for the hospital and this is soooo against there policy it is not funny I understand the magnitude of doing this and in that case I would get right of a attorney on that person and then I would be legally able to look at all documents and make decisions.  It is not about morality it is about HOSPITAL POLICY.  She could make her own decisions.  So that is not even an issue.  She was just in labor.

"Example:  If your sister (if you have one, or brother) and the
spouse REFUSED to give you or your parents info on her
condition, and all you know is that she is there, in a
hospital, and YOU CAN NOT see or speak to her, what would you
do?  Hmmmm....different story eh?  WHY?"

I would probably go get a court order saying that I could see th info I would not just go into the file because I have access.  

I get where you are going but I guess I also have my way of looking at this whole situation.  I think that she did the right thing to ensure a stress free delivery.  She also contacted them afterwards, about it.   Told them that they could see the baby ect. They handled the whole situation poorly, and that is not her issue to deal with it is now the administration at the Hospital's issue.  With the new HIPPA(sp) laws privacy is a big deal.

amarie

[nosonew]

I agree, everyone handled this situation poorly, both sides.  Yeah, edit your profile, hee hee, the discussion on birth privacy was a dead giveaway!  

Glad to meet you amarie!  You can certainly hold your own here!!

[amarie]

LOL, I know I am baaad to the bone.... LOL  Let me stop right this instant

Glad to meet you too, I'm always up for it.



amarie