No visitation

[2ndwife]

My H has three children from his prior marriage that he has not seen for about eight years due to his ex had cut all communication with him back in 2000 by moving a lot and changing her phone number.  In 2004 we had a call from some collection agency looking for his ex and I had informed them that she had never resided here and that we have been looking for her since 2000.  Just so happen they gave me her telephone number and since then he has constant communication with his children, but it has not been easy on my H and SC becuase he was not part of their lives since than.  Speaking with his ex she had informed us that she had filed for divorce in the state she lives in, but faild to produce any documents.  I in turn called every county in that state to verify and divorce decree and not to my surprised she had lied about filing for a divorce.  We took matter into our on hands and filed in our state and he was granted the divorce stating physical custody with joint legal and visitation shall be only limited to her state of resideance.  Knowing that, we had tried to have visitation in  our state with my SC since 2004, but when the time comes near his ex makes up and excuse.  We had filed for a post decree relief in our state regarding this situation in 2005 and they had both agree to a stip regading visitation in our state, but the paralegal whom was helping us out had stiffed us and now the judge didn't take any action in approving the stip and now he has nothing to enforce.  We also tried to have them this christmas, but his ex has put my h in a negative light towards his children and now they do not want to visit him.  In the state that she lives in they aknowledges common law marriage and she also had acquired proerty using her common married name during her marriage with my H.  In the state she lives in everyone knows her as her common married name, but I feel that she commited polygamy.  The lst my H seen his children was when they were ages 4, 3, and 1 years old.  During this time he had suffered a great deal of emtional stress with not being able to see his children nor talk to them via telephone.  I did get in contact with her now H ex wife and I've found out a lot of interesting information pertaining to my H's ex like she had forced my SC to call her than boyfriend "DAD", they got married in 2002 (But she was still legally married to my H during that time),  she had aslo told her now H's family that my H had abandon his children (which that was another lie, because she had kicked him out in the middle of winter with no where to go, my H did not want his children out in the cold), etc... and for the past years the only time my H's children and his ex calls is when they want money or stuff from him other than that they do not call my H just chat.  I did speak with my H's ex had she got me very upset when she had informed me that SC doesn't see my H as their dad and that they see their SD more as their dad. We just need some kind of advise on what to do.
 :(

[Ref]

First you need to take a deep breath and know that you aren't alone. The problems that you have been having are actually fairly common on this board and I am sure you will get some sound advice.

Look into Parental Alienation Syndrome. It sounds like this is what is going on.

Legally, you need to file for a proper visitation agreement. You need dates, times, who is responsible for pick-up and location of pick-up spelled out. Many counties have standard parenting agreements that you can modify for your situation and the likelihood of you getting the standard is 99%.

About the "dad" thing. It is terrible that you and your husband has to be hurt that way, but you have to get thicker skin. BM will be able to hurt you in too many ways like that. The fact of the matter is, the kids have known this guy on a daily basis for a while. They do not know your DH. They probably do think of him as a father figure more than your DH. Her saying it that way seemed deisgned to hurt you and not to help the situation though. I'm not saying its right, but you probably have a lot of years of this crap to go through so you have to let some of it roll off your back or you will go nuts.

My Dh's ex told him that he was a visitor in his daughter's life and not a dad and she isn't even dating anyone (at least not a man).The only reason he is put in that situation is because she moved 1500 miles away and limited contact as much as she could over the past 13 years.

Enough about myself. Another bit of advice is to break-up your paragraphs a little when you post. It is hard to read when it is written that way.

Good Luck and keep fighting!
Ref

[2ndwife]

Thanks!  As for a visitation schedule we have been trying to work this out with BM and not with the assistanisce of the courts; however, just looking at this situation I think it's about time to seek the assistance of the courts becuase BM is a known lair.  

The visitation schedule that we want is a long distance one becuase we live more than 3000 miles from SC and when my DH and BM came to an agreement regarding airfare costs BM was to pay half and now she is say that she should not be paying for the airfare costs and it should be DH's responsibility. I really feel that BM should help with airfare costs, but I'm open for suggestions.

Sorry about the huge one paragraph, but once I start typing away I just can't stop and I tend to just go on and on.

[Ref]

DH has paid for visitation costs for years, but his last CS increase he had a % deducted from CS.  This was a negotiated increase and not through the courts. There is precidence for it in FLA( where BM lives), but it is up to the judges descretion. We have court in less than a week for CS and we will see if the judge thinks it is reasonable. Check into your state to see if that is negotiable. If not, make each of you responsible for the costs related to bringing the child back (you pay for the flight to you and she pays for flight home).

I have to warn you, DH went to mediation w/ BM about 2 years ago for visitation modification and ever since then she has been filling SD's head with hateful lies about me and her dad. As soon as he asked for an increase in visitation, she filed for an increase in CS.

Now Dh lost his job and asked for a downward modification in CS and she turned right around and sued for contempt and a decrease in visitation. SD is 15 1/2 and hasn't talked to Dh in almost 2 months.

We have heard aweful accusations from BM but it is far more painful when we hear them coming from SD. Be prepared for them to repeat some aweful stuff. SD has accused him of abandoning her (he never did), not being financial responsible (never went even 1 month behind in CS in 13 years), sueing BM when BM was suing him.....

Just be ready and brace yourself. You are in for a fight. If your Dh's ex is anything like mine, she will be vindictive and spiteful to the detriment to the child.

Best of Luck
Ref

[WhatToDo]

Me and my fiance' have found that even though we didn't want to involve the courts, and just work things out between his ex and us, it never works out. His ex says she will do everything she can to help maintain a relationship between my fiance' and his daughter, but every chance she gets, she goes back on her word and starts telling lies and keeps him from his daughter.

You need to take her to court and get visitation set up and in writing! Chances are she won't follow the court order (My fiance's ex doesn't) but document every thing and every time she disobey's it and take her back to court for contempt.

[2ndwife]

That is so true!  We have been trying our best to work out a visitation schedule with his ex, but as always that never happens.  

This is what she has and still does.  The only time she calls, e-mails, and write to us is when she wants more money besides the monthly child support and now my SC are following in her foot steps and this hurts us a lot.  There were many occassions we had ask her if we could have my SC for their upcoming vacation and she had agreed to it, but when she gets what she wants it's forget us and the children.

I know that we have to take her to court, but it's all about finding the money to hire an attorney to represent my H.  

She is just one big "B"!!!!

[2ndwife]

I did find out about a decution from CS and since CO has jurisdiction over SC they do include the decution, but we still need a judgement in order for the deduction.  

As for increase that is a huge problem because BM has asked for three increases in SC.  The first time was because she could not seek employment due to her lups.  The second time was because she had fibromyalgia.  She did not even submit any medical proof regarding her so called disability.  

Your situation with your SD and your H is exactly what I'm going through with a lot of accusations from BM and yes it is very painful to hear it from SC as we are trying to deal with this situation too.

Best of luck to you too!