can she do this? my heart is breaking

[bambamr]

in 2002 just before i was going to ask my partner to marry me, she told me she was pregnant. This and our financial situation has caused us to postpone our wedding, so that we are not currently married. My daughter is now almost 4 and my son 10 (his bio dad left the country when he found out, never to return). We have been living as a family for 5 years now, planning to wed when we can afford it. We have had a stressful year, I am a graduating medical student who is graduating a year late after I had matched in an emergency medicine residency last year, i was unable to graduate and so have had to rematch this year, we have been under considerable strain. My "wife" has been applying to masters programs in history in the 4 cities that I interviewed in. Our hope was that wherever i matched, she would get into a program there or would otherwise reapp next year. This was our plan until 3 weeks ago. Then we had a fight and she said it was over. I subsequently found out that she was accepted to tufts with a scholarship. Her desire to pursue this goal that she feels she has had to put off for my medical training is the primary motivator in her wanting to split up.  I am most likely to end up in pittsburg or york, penn.  She wants to take my daughter and son (whom i have not yet legally adopted, and doubt she would allow that now) to boston. She does not seem prepared to reconcile. I know there are laws that prevent a spouse from taking a child out of state, but i do not know how our circumstance would be handled. an EM residency is NOT like on tv and i would have plenty of time to be in their lives, and even be their primary care giver, but would not have time to drive the 6-10 hours one way and i would rarely see them in that case.  I have gone from planning to have a happy family in penn where i matched, to wondering how many times i will see my kids in the next 3 years...what rights do i have? i will have an income and live in an affordable city, she will have financial aid and live in boston. thank you for helping me,

C

[mistoffolees]

You're probably not going to get any access to the older boy.

The one that's your own is a different story. Since you were never married, you're going to have to immediately establish paternity. Until paternity has been established, you have no rights at all in most states.

Get yourself a good attorney and work with them. I'd suggest that you immediately file for custody as soon as you've established paternity (or perhaps you could do it at the same time). If she's already announced plans to leave, you'll need an emergency order. Until you get this taken care of, she can do whatever she wants.

You're going to need to check everything you believe. There is, in fact, no blanket law which prevents a spouse from moving out of state with a child. The legality of this would depend on a number of factors, but unless there's a specific prohibition in a divorce decree, a custodial parent can usually move wherever they want. You're going to need to work hard to prevent that. If she's been the primary care giver while you were in med school, you're going to have a very difficult uphill battle, but your attorney can fill you in on the details.