BM moving DD out of state--advice?!?

[megsdad]

Hello all,

Here is my problem, as succinctly as I can explain. I am the father of a 9 year old daughter. I have been divorced from BM for 5 years, ever since she discovered she was a lesbian and left me. She lives in the same neighborhood as me (with her partner of 2 years). I have been remarried for a year now. We share custody of DD. She is with me 4 days a week and with her mother 3 days. Her mother works part time, freelancing. My wife and I both work full time. On the nights when I have my daughter, a babysitter picks her up from school and watches her for 2 hours. When her BM has our daughter, she picks her up as she works from home. We split the weekend days. DD is very settled, great school, etc.

BM has recently told me she plans to move to California and has said that if I don’t agree she will move anyway. She doesn’t have a job or house lined up yet. I am absolutely freaking out that my ex will take my daughter away from me. We don’t have any sort of official alimony, child support or custody/visitation schedule. I give her $500 a month and pay for absolutely everything for our daughterâ€"BM has a credit card that I pay for. She is very good at only charging daughter-related expenses.

My question: can she just move or is that considered kidnapping? Do you think the court will be sympathetic to a dad in this situation if I have to sue to keep her here?

Thanks so much.
Ron

[MixedBag]

It's hard to say what will happen in court.

My advice is to start searching for similar situations on Socrateaser's board on this site.  "HE" may not be there, but others have faced similar situations.

And nope, it's not kidnapping.

But who has primary residential custody ON PAPER???

Focus on the child and what's in the child's best interest.

[wendl]

In most states the cp is suppose to file an intent to relocate the child paperwork, but that doesn't always happen.  Then the ncp has the right to object to the relocation and you go back to court. Again that doesn't always happen.

And start talking to attorneys to see what you can do to stop this.

I know when I moved out of state, I filed the paperwork right away and served my ex with his (however, he knew I was moving and we discussed this prior so he did not object to me moving out of state)


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[mistoffolees]

Without a formal custody schedule, she'd be running a huge risk. While it would probably not be kidnapping, per se, there's a very good chance that the court will look at it very unfavorably - particularly since you're so heavily inovlved in the daughter's care.

You need to file with the court for a detailed custody plan. I would get a good attorney to work with you, preferably working for mediation rather than litigation. Your major issue up front is do you file for sole custody on the basis of her threatening to move or do you file for joint custody?

This is not legal advice, just an opinion. If it were me and if you're happy with the current relationship, I'd ask the court to simply endorse the current situation (4 days with you, 3 days with ex). I would then include that in a formal parenting plan which covers all the other bases (child care, etc). A standard part of most parenting plans is that neither parent can move out of state without the court's permission. This is particularly likely (and important) in cases where you are sharing custody. The advantage to this is that you're not perceived as 'suing to keep her here'. Instead, you're going to the court saying 'this plan is working, but I think it will be in daughter's interest to have it affirmed by the court and have a few loose ends straightened out'.

Your ex then has a tough decision. She can either accept it (which means you win) or she can fight it. To fight it, she has to prove that even though you've been using this plan for 5 years that it's somehow in the daughter's best interest to be taken out of state, separated from her father, and removed from every bit of stability she has (school, friends, etc). Just not likely. Then, she MAY have to overcome any latent bias against lesbians. I firmly believe that lesbians and gays can be great parents and there's no inherent reason they should lose their children. Unfortunately, many judges (particularly in the midwest) don't see it that way, so she could have another hurdle.

An attorney can guide you, but I'd say it's quite likely you can avoid losing your daughter - if all the facts above are true and nothing relevant is left out. Courts very much like to believe 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it'.

Again, see an attorney for real legal advice, but I don't see anything here that particularly scares me. If the system works the way it should, you'll be fine. And I believe we have to act as though the system works.

Good luck.