POSSESIVE MOTHER..

[LARRY_JAY2G]

DEAR SIR(s) / MADAM (s)
I AM A FATHER WHO KNOWS NOT WHAT TO DO IN THIS SITUATION - CAN YOU PLEASE GUIDE ME TO WHAT I MUST DO TO HAVE A BETTER RELATIONSHIP WITH MY DAUGHTER WITHOUT THE INFLUANCE OF HER MOTHER.
 
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME,
L.J. WALLACE
 
AS MY STORY GOES...
 
I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP A LITTLE OVER 10 YEARS AGO..
THROUGH THIS RELATIONSHIP I CONCEIVED A CHILD.
IT SEEMS AS IF HAVING THE CHILD DESTROYED THE RELATIONSHIP BY BRINGING OUT THIS HIDDEN PERSON OF WHOM I THOUGHT WAS SOMEONE DECENT.
 
YES THIS STORY IS LADEN WITH THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF A DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP. BEING AS I WAS RAISED BY A SINGLE PARENT I LEARNED OF THE DAMAGE THAT IT CAN TO IF A CHILD IS SUBJECTED TO CONTRADICTING PARENTING.
 
SO AFTER THE DAY CAME THAT HER FAMILY CHOOSE TO SUPPORT HER AND MOVE HER BELONGINGS AWAY FROM OUR RESIDENCE. LEAVING ME AND MY BELONGINGS IN SOLITUDE AND DESPAIR. I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO TO RESURRECT MYSELF INTO A RESPONSIBLE ADULT.
 
NOW 10 YEARS LATER ON MY CHILD'S BIRTHDAY TOMORROW APPROACHING I FIND MYSELF CHALLENGED WITH DEALING WITH A WOMAN PARENTING MY DAUGHTER WHO HAS SUCH RESENTMENT AND MALICE. THAT A NEW BIKE THAT I CAN AFFORD MAYBE SUBJECTED TO THE DESTRUCTION VIA THAT PARENT.
 
NOW I PLAN TO TRAVEL THAT WAY DURING THE SUMMER AND ALSO WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH MY DAUGHTER WHO IS NOW A STRANGER. IT HAS BEEN SUCH A LONG HARD ROAD. AND I CHALLENGE ANYONE WHO WOULD SAY THAT A MAN CAN NOT FEEL THE HURT THAT A MOTHER FEELS BY LOOSING HER CHILD. I HAVE LIVED IN THIS HELL FOR SO LONG - I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE VARIOUS STAGES OF LOSS. I AM NOW NUMB FROM THE PAIN IVE ENDURED.
 
MOST WOULD TAKE THE ROUTE OF GETTING A LAWYER.. BUT I AM STILL IN THE PROCESS OF RECOVERING FROM THE REBUILDING OF MY RESURRECTION. IE: PAYING STUDENT LOANS THAT HAVE PRODUCED MY CURRENT LIVELIHOOD AND ALL OF THE ARREARS IN CHILD SUPPORT THAT HAVE ACCUMULATED DURING MY SCHOOLING AND FINDING MY WAY BOTH EQUALING THE SAME.
 
NO AMOUNT OF MONETARY VALUE CAN EQUAL FOR ALL THOSE YEARS THAT I WAS SEPARATED FOR THE CHILD'S LIFE THAT I HAD TO FIGHT FOR EVEN BEING BORN. ALL OF THOSE TIMES TO LOOK DOWN AND SEE A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE CHILD'S HAND IN MINE. I WONT PUT YOU OR ME THROUGH ALL OF THOSE MOMENT THAT I CAN ENVISION AS BEING A DAD.
 
THE WHOLE POINT IS.. THAT IVE TOLD YOU OF MY CURRENT DISMAY. I REALLY NEED TO KNOW WHAT STEPS I CAN TAKE TO ENSURE NOT BEING JUST A MEMORY FROM MY DARLING SABINA.
 
SIGNED,
A RESURRECTED FATHER
 
3.21.07 - YESTERDAY WAS MY DAUGHTERS 10th BIRTHDAY. I DIDN'T GET TO WISH HER A DIRECT HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I CAN ONLY PRAY THAT GOD RELAYS TO HER MY LOVE IN ALL THE DAYS I AM AWAY FROM HER.
 I SPOKE WITH HER MOTHER TO INFORM HER THAT I WAS SENDING MY DAUGHTER A MUCH WANTED PEDDLE BIKE. AS I INFORMED HER OF THE SHIPMENT THAT WAS TO COME SHE GOT MAJOR ATTITUDE. SHE TOLD ME "WHATEVER.. WHEN IT COMES I'M JUST GOING TO GIVE IT AWAY". IT LEADS ME TO WONDER JUST HOW MUCH OF MY LETTERS AND MAIL FROM MYSELF AND MY IMMEDIATE FAMILY ACTUALLY GETS TO SABINA. DOES A PARENT HAVE TOO MUCH CONTROL WHEN THEY CAN FILTER THE OTHER PARENTS CONTACT?
 
I SENT HER AN E-MAIL CARD WHICH WAS ALSO INTERCEPTED AND SENT BACK WITH THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE...
 
MAYBE IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO WRITE A NICE CARD FOR SABINA I WOULD SHOW HER. THIS IS HER BIRTHDAY FOR US A HAPPY DAY.
 
THE PERSONALIZED MESSAGE THAT WAS IN THE CARD WAS AS FOLLOWS:
HELLO MY LIL PRINCESS,


Can't view this greeting? Download Flash Player !
IM NOT SURE IF YOU BIRTHDAY CARD MADE IT ON TIME CUZ I MAILED IT FRIDAY..
BUT MAYBE YOUR MOM WILL FIND A WAY TO LET YOU SEE THIS!

I WANTED TO WISH YOU A HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I HOPE ALL YOUR WISHES COME TRUE THIS YEAR!
I LOVE YOU AND I PRAY THAT SOMEDAY WE WILL FIND A WAY TO BE TOGETHER!

HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!

I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND I ALWAYS WILL UNCONDITIONALLY (ASK YOUR MOM WHAT IT MEANS OR LOOK IT UP IN THE DICTIONARY! smile!)

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FOR ME OK!?
LOVE ~ YOUR DADDY... L.J.  
 
 We are currently testing a new browser feature. If you are not able to view this ecard. Please click here to view in its original format
 

NOW I ASK YOU WAS THERE SOMETHING IN THIS MESSAGE THAT IS HURTFUL?
AND IF THERE WAS SOMETHING TO RELAY THE PAIN I FEEL BECAUSE OF MISSING HER IN SO MUCH OF MY LIFE.. WOULD THAT BE SO BAD?


ALL REPLYS MAY BE DIRECTED TO:
[email protected]

[cinb85]

You probably shouldn't have put the line "but maybe your Mom will find a way to let you see this!:"

It's not a hurtful statement but the Mom probably took offense to it.
It probably would have been better if you just left that line out.

I am the mother of a 16 year old daughter.  My ex has had VERY little contact with our daughter for that entire 16 years (even though he lived literally 6 miles from us).  He now lives about 30 miles from us and I have done everything in my powerto get him to develop a relationship with our daughter (I call him and pretty much beg him to give our daughter a call).  Unfortunately, he just doesn't seem to care!!!!!  It's very sad!

Just keep doing what you are doing.  Keep writing to your daughter.   Keep calling.  Sounds like the mother intercepts and there's not much that you can do about that.  But don't just stop writing or calling!  You are her father and you deserve a relationship with her.  Maybe the mother will eventually give in and let you have that relationship.

Good luck to you!

[FatherTime]

I think that the fact that you posted on the site speaks volumes as to your readiness for bringing your daughter into your life.

I think that your daughter would love to have you as an active parent in her life.  My daughter is the same age.  

I have had to deal with a vindictive and selfish mother of my daughter as well.  It cost me many freedoms and priveledges that are afforded her mother, but I was able to get my daughter back when she was 4.  I am sure that your daughter would LOVE to know YOU, and that, I believe, is better than any PEDDLE BIKE.  She'll probably brag about you to her friends.  

You need to start with establishing paternity.  Child support will follow and most likely be an exhorbinant amount.  Control of your emotions are on point, center stage if you will.  When it comes to the mother of your daughter, honey (ie, money) is sweeter than whine.  Be prepared for some difficult questions, but give honest and truthful answers.  10 year olds are smart.  Let the mother answer for her actions.  Your daugher is already halfway to adulthood.  Go to her.

Pro bono, pro se, pro per, para-legal, and/or a paid liewyer are your options for beginning your journey.  Don't be afraid to do what you have to do, because it is what it is and it's been tooooo long.  I wish that I could prepare you for it by punching you in the gut.  Because it may, and most likely will, hurt more than that.  Suck it up.  It feels good.

To start with we need some information, State of jurisdicton. ( where your daughter has lived for the last six months. )  What has been already determined by the courts, child support, custody determinations and etc.

Please review a few of the songs on my site, if you will and please suggest any that I have missed.  Maybe a song or two will help you too.
http://www.geopics.net/fathertime

I don't mean to come across mean spirited, judgemental, or pessimistic.  I am just wanting to help you and your daughter.  

I'm not an attorney, lawyer, child psychologist, feminist, nor an authority on any topic.

Be GLAD!!! Because for you it's definitely...
FatherTime

-----------------------------
To quote a song by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers:
"The waiting is the hardest part."

[dipper]

I am thinking since you have arrears in CS, that you have also had court ordered visitation.  I would file in court to have this reviewed, or send the mother a letter telling her you are now in a position to seek the visitation time that is court ordered and legally yours.  If she does not allow you to see the child, I would file to have vistation reviewed because of all the changes in circumstances.

Now, you may legally have less than you did before..but, if you arent going to get what you already had - after all these years of not seeing her on a set time, the court may not enforce a current order, if there is one.  Even if you got less in writing, it would allow you to have actual time with your daughter.

IF the mother is intercepting everything, your daughter may need some adjustment time - and shorter visitations would allow her to get to know you.

Ask the mother if you could stop by and take the child to the park or out to eat.  If you can stand being around the mother, ask her to accompany to relieve any fears the child may have...

I wish you the best...sounds like you have really worked hard to put your life in order...

You can do this without an attorney...this site is very informative.  

Some words of wisdom....keep  your cool, do not badmouth mother in front of child, do not leave any mean messages, do not write anything mean......never leave any proof of malice basically....

[Mamacass]

To answer about the letter, there are a couple lines that I would change.  
"BUT MAYBE YOUR MOM WILL FIND A WAY TO LET YOU SEE THIS!"
and
"ASK YOUR MOM WHAT IT MEANS OR LOOK IT UP IN THE DICTIONARY"

These lines sound negative toward the mother.  Being that the child has been with the mother so long you don't want to down the mom.  That's  probably going to do more damage to your relationship with the child right now than it will toward the mom.

also "I PRAY THAT SOMEDAY WE WILL FIND A WAY TO BE TOGETHER" is a little borderline.  

I say this because that line has a lot of weight on it for a child.  Yes, that is how you are feeling, but at this point, you need to make sure you aren't putting any pressure or stress on the child.  This line kind of puts the child in a spot where they feel as though she should be depressed b/c she is not seeing you.  Instead I would put "I miss you and can't wait to spend some time together."  It says the same thing, just a little lighter.


I say all this, b/c when we won custody of my SS, his mom wrote him a poem to keep about how all the pain, tears, struggles and sleepless nights were worth it when he smiled.  She also wrote him a letter telling him she would pay any price and cross any distance so that "we can be happy again".  His therapist agreed that this was inappropriate.  It put a lot of pressure on the kid, at 7 y/o he doesn't need to feel responsible for his mom's happiness (especially when she is bi-polar).  And it made him feel guilty for having a good time, b/c he had to worry about his mom and how she was doing without him.

JMO, take it as you will.  Good luck with getting time with your daughter.  I really hope the courts will work in your favor to help you to build a relationship with her.  And hopefully the mother can come around, and support your relationship as well.  

[Ref]

It is sad to say that may of us here have amny of the same elements of your story in our own lives. The good news is that many of us have dealt with it for years and can offer some valuable advice.

My advice is to read any letter or email that you post as if your ex is scrutinizing it for any way to take it the wrong way. If she is like DH's ex, the mere statement of "I look foward to seeing you this weekend" will be twisted into something abusive.

As far as spending more time with her is concerned. Take as much visitation as your agreement allows. If you do not have a visitation agreement, get one. I never recommend you going without an attorney. I just think there are too many ways that you can skew yourself ESPECIALLY handling a case physically far from where you live. Anyway, whether or not you get an attorney, you should do some research on what the standard visitation is in the county the child lives in (this will likely be the jursdiction that you will have to go through). This is normally the minimum that you will get, although if it has been a long time since you have seen your daughter, they might start out with less time and ease her back in to seeing you.

You do not speak with her over the phone? Why? Does the mom block that too or have you felt too embarrissed after this long to speak with her?

One thing I have heard that people do who do not have contact with thier children is to write a journal of letters to them to give to the child when they are an adult and have questions. Another thing I have heard is people starting MySpace pages just for their kids to see pictures of family and to write messages to them.

The one purchase that worked for years with my DH was an 888 phone number. SD only knew that number for our home. She was calling almost everyday. Between ages 7-11 she called about 1 time a week. between 11&12 she called almost every day. It went down to almost none after her mom blocked her phone from using toll free numbers, but it was a long run where it was a pretty smart investment. BM was supposed to pay for SD to call from her home but knew she would say she couldn't afford the long-distance, so we sucked it up and paid for it. It really wasn't that expensive. Calling cards are good too, like the one on this site that limit who the card can be used to call. It isn't that convient and we found SD would call our 888# when she was bored but wouldn't make as much of an effort to use the card.

Anyway, good luck and come back to this page. It has a wealth of support.

Ref