Newbie with questions

[Chrismatic76]

Hello all. here's my story.

A couple months ago I tell my wife that I want a divorce. she agrees or whatever, we make some verbal agreements between eachother. She and our daughter go to Japan to stay with her parents. 3 days before she left, she filed for divorce. I got served a few weeks ago. she's asking for full custody, child support and spousal support. I filed my response yesterday. I asked for joint custody and no spousal  support. during 4 years of marriage she only worked 6 months and never helped me financially. What happens next? any help is greatly appreciated.

[Brent]

> What happens next? any help is greatly
>appreciated.


What happens next isn't going to be good. :(  You've got a huge uphill battle ahead of you, and it may be unwinnable at this point, depending on where your wife is and how long she's had the child away from you. You need to retain an attorney as soon as you possibly can.

Start reading. Some of these pages will apply more than others, but they all have valuable information:

Protecting Yourself During Divorce
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/protect.htm

Tips For Getting Started
http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm

How To Hire An Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/hiring.htm

Hiring An Effective Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/effective.htm

Success Factors In Obtaining Custody
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips.htm


One of the first things you'll hear around here is "Document, document, document!". Having good records is *crucial*. Get yourself either the Parenting Time Tracker (PTT) at: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tracker.htm or the OPTIMAL Custody Tracking service at: http://www.parentingtime.net. The OPTIMAL service definitely is better, especially for any kind of custody dispute.

[Chrismatic76]

I know things aren't going to be good, but what happens as far as judicial processes go?

[Brent]

>I know things aren't going to be good, but what happens as
>far as judicial processes go?

Well, normally once you get served you have a court date set at the same time. During that period you retain an attorney, go through deposition(s), collect evidence, line up witnesses, etc etc etc.

You may also go through negotiations and decide settle out of court. What often happens is (based on your respective positions) the attorneys will start a flurry of motions and settlement conferences just before the court date. This is to pressure you and make you settle so they don't have to go to court and have the judge rule against them.

It's what happens in between the time you're served and the supposed court date that counts.

[NJDad]

Hi Chrismatic76,


The most important thing is to RELAX and FOCUS.


You're getting divorced - Accept this. She will play the child issue to its fullest to distract, upset and to generally throw you off balance. If you lose you focus and self-control, you are finished. Remember every Kung Fu movie you ever saw - the theme is that you must be centered, balanced and righteous to win. You MUST accept this.


You will hear dozens of people tell you the same thing. I was through it and it took me a while to achieve this. The Courts and counselors want to see a CALM and BALANCED person. When your Ex tries to upset you, just remember she is doing this to get a reaction from you or for you to overreact. Realize she is playing a game (albeit a sick game) and laugh it off to yourself as she is doing it. Show that you are flexible and she is rigid. Let her suppress medical, school and social records and events from you. (Document everything - it will come back and haunt her.) Let her get upset at you. Let her keep everything she can grab. She'll try to nickel and dime your posessions - let her keep them. You'll pay 10 time more in legal fees trying to get any leftover items than what they are worth. Write it off. She doesn't have YOU- You're free of her now. You just have an issue with access to your child.


The best way you can fight back is get a really good attorney, don't be afraid to switch yours if you took one in haste. It happens all of the time. When you have the best, do EVERYTHING they say and have faith in them. Mine did some 900 custody cases alone. My situation was no different than 200-300 others he's had. Everyone wants to think their case is 'special' but they're not. There is some 9 personality types out there. This is how profiles of person's behaviors are established. There are only a few of them; therefore, there are only a finite amount of ways your case could be. It's not unique. The Judge, Court Workers, Case Workers, Counselors and attorneys have see your type of case hundreds of times before. They can spot the fraud in minutes. Let it be her and not you.


The most important thing for you do to is to read the Recording Phone Calls reply in this section and do it. Read my replies to Berk. The main thing you have to concern yourself with is avoid having a Temporary Restraining Order (TRO) or a Criminal Harassment charge filed against you. Many spouses just want the money you provide, they don't want to see you or even hear your name. They will write you out of their lives and try to take you from your children's lives. After all, if you see your kids, you will see your Ex as well.


Be calm and keep your distance. When she comes back in town with your child, respect her boundaries and keep your distance until the Courts allow you visitation. You may have to file a Temporary Visitation Order to see her. Expect this to take 1-2 months to get done from the date of filing. If you don't want to wait, file one now. Just KEEP AWAY. I was kept from my 4 kids from 12/15 until 2/27. It was so painful and I will never forget what she did to us, but you have to let go or else you WILL LOSE your kids when the evaluations take place.


Don't drink, no drugs. Just hang out with family and nice friends. Avoid being classified as unfit.


In court, keep your COOL. Realize that you will get totally shafted and learn to accept a worse case scenario. Then, when you get good news you will be happy. Never show any signs of being upset. Sit back and focus on the people and wallpaper and listen to what is being said and write down comments on paper for your attorney to read during break. Do not, under any circumstances, make faces, sighs or any other - I'm bored or I'm disappointed type of gestures. Don't cross your arms, put your head in your hands, cross your legs or slouch in the chair. And most of all, be pleasant to everyone in the courthouse, you'll never know who knows who or where they work.


In New Jersey, mandatory support starts after 10 years of marriage. With one child, 3 1/2 years out of 4 years not working, expect to pay 2 years of spousal support, child support will be based directly off of the guidelines and there's no getting out of that, and if you are COOL, CALM and COLLECTED, expect Joint Custody. With one child, she IS going back to work and the kids go with the grandparents or daycare.


If you own a home, she will more than likely live there. You will foot most of the bills until the divorce is finalized. Her attorney may try to say that she has no work skills anymore. She's going to try to make herself look as poor as possible for the C.I.S. form. Petition now that she should immediately start attending job training classes so that she may re-enter the workforce ASAP. This way, while you are waiting for the divorce to be finalized, she can start retraining herself. Else, you will have to wait that much longer for the alimony to end.


This is where you may want to be FLEXIBLE. Offer to subsidize her retraining or offer a couple years of alimony. She will probably get it. This way you don't come across as rigid and trying to punish her. Let her always be the bad guy. Keep the balance of nature in balance - either you do it or the court will force it on you. At least when you do it, you know what you can expect.


Heed this advice - at least run it past your attorney (the good attorney).


That's it for now. I'm off my box.

W

[blazer_100]

My suggestion would be to ask for sole custody.  You can always agree to joint later, but you can't get sole if you don't ask for it.

Jeff

[NJDad]

Hmmm..

I don't know about your state but New Jersey is one of the more progressive Father's Rights states. Right now, 90% of the children, under the age of 11, have mothers as the primary residential custodian.

Especially when dealing with small children and infants as in this case.

The only way a child under 8 is taken from their biological mother is either: 1) the mother abandons the child, 2) there are verified and multiple (repeat multiple) incidents of physical abuse.

That's going to be a tough nut to crack. Flexibility and self-awareness are key here. The mother was home tending to the child's needs while the husband was working. Guess who gets the kids by default?

Realize your position, its strength's and weaknesses. This way the Judge will see that you are a straight & level thinking person. Perhaps you could put in your Reply Certification that you would like to have residential custody of the child, but since the mother has been the primary caretaker since birth, this distinction should go to her until a time when she can no longer accept or handle it.

W

[blazer_100]

One of the reasons why mothers get 90% of the custody is because fathers simply don't ask for custody.  Fathers are told by their lawyers and friends to ask for joint custody (joint custody is a whole other topic).  Because of this we are telling fathers that he can't take care of his child(ren).  This is selling fathers way short and regulating fathers to what we have become, second class citizens.  

We would never think of telling a woman not to be a firefighter or fighter pilot, why do we tell dads they can't take care of their kids?

I realize that every situation is different but we must get out of the mindset of thinking joint custody is the best we can do.

From a legal standpoint, you can't get something you don't ask for...ask for custody.

From a negotiating standpoint, start high to meet in the middle.  

If I could yell it from the mountain top I'd say it loudly, fathers can have custody of their kids, but they need to ask for it!

Every father needs to know that they can and should ask for custody, why not, the mom will.