At a Stale Mate

[Stale Mate]

I am writing this for my husband who has three children. He was married to his ex-wife for 13 years. They have four bright, intelligent, funny boys together.

When she left they were living in Arkansas at the time and she had a friend or family member come down from Wisconsin and take her back in the middle of the night. After that point in time my husband told her that he was going to fight for custody. Shortly thereafter she accused him of physical abuse on her and physical, mental, and sexual abuse on the boys. The courts decided that the reports were true but unsubstantiated against my husband. Meaning the boys were abused but they had no evidence against my husband. There was report from the first interview of the boys that the psychologist stated that he believed that the boy's statements were coached. He stated that they were too much alike and he interviewed them 2 weeks apart. So in the end it would have taken him 2 months to interview all four of the boys.

One of the statements that she has made to the courts in Wisconsin that she cannot actually give them a day or what the reason was on why my husband physically abused her.  

Shortly after we were married she called the day before Labor Day to see if we could come and get her and the boys and move them down here to Arkansas because she was sick. Within 24 hours we were there and back with the boys and her.

Since that time she has gone to a doctor down here and was told that she did not have COPD.

She is the kind of person that if she is not in control it does not go her way. I have repeatedly witnessed her being verbally abusive to the children and so has my husband. Every time we try to call it out we get shut down.

I have heard her call the boys names of all sorts, most that I will not type here because of the shear meanness or vulgarity of them. She also requested what is called a F.I.N.S. Petition (Family in Need of Services) on the oldest boy for lack of respect to her. I am sorry but if people called me those names I would not respect them either. At this point in time she has the oldest boy put in a Behavioral Center and she will not put my husbands name on the list. She also admitted him and never told us. We found out a month after he was there because the courts sent the documents to our home.

During all this time the boys have stayed repeatedly over at our house for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. We have had birthday parties for them and even had them Christmas Day in 2005.

Now were married on March 26th 2005 and have a beautiful daughter to boot.

We have been to our local DHS office. Nothing!
We have contacted his son's probation officer. Nothing!

Within the last couple of months another complaint was filed with the State of Arkansas against my husband. This time it came from his older son. I just don't understand how she can do this. The last time we saw him he was talking about how he wanted to come live with us. I am positive that his mom found out some how and told him that if he did not say this about his dad that he would not come home. Somehow she has the power to do this. I just don't understand it.

Also she has been hospitalized in a mental institution for two weeks and the kids went to foster care. Did they call my husband to let him know? NO!!!

She has also had the oldest boy and the youngest hospitalized in a mental institution.

I talked with the State Police Officer that was heading the investigation about my husband, which by the way was closed because of it being unsubstantiated as well, and even she said that she couldn't do anything. I am starting to think that in the State of Arkansas unless you are physically abusing them they won't do anything. What about mental abuse, it's just as damaging.

At a stale mate; can anyone give us a hint on where to go or what to do? My husband cries every night because he misses his kids. They were starting to know there father again and then she pulled the rug right out from underneath him again.

Oh Yeah by the way here is a kicker for you. The youngest boy called 911 while in Wisconsin because he wanted to see his dad and his mom called my husband and told him and laughed because she thought that it was funny.

[MixedBag]

Pull out the decree and make sure that all the time that's outlined in there where the kids are supposed to be with dad that it happens.

Over those days, encourage them to call 911 every time BM steps out of line.  One day those will add up.

How old is the oldest?

Between police reports and a child's wishes, be ready to take her back to court for a change of custody.

Key is that Dad can have had nothing to do with any of the police reports that get filed as a result of her actions -- like no physical presence and not done right after a phone call from him.  Because then he is not part of it.

Keep closer tabs on the kids with phone calls -- did dad not know that the kids were admitted?

And I think I'd make an appointment with CPS to head off false allegations at the pass.  Helped when we showed tons of documentation from EX#3's EX when we were facing false stuff too.

[Stale Mate]

Opps!!!

[Stale Mate]

That would be great but according to the divorce decree she has sole legal custody and because of all of the allegations against my husband, he only has supervised vistitations according to the decree.  

Everytime we try to check up on the kids we get no information. We told the probation officer that my husband has a right to know and she told us that because his ex-wife has sole legal custody she is the only one who has to be notified. Plus this was the only time we were able to get ahold of his probation officer out of the 20 times that we called and left messages.

The only thing is that the last time the allegations came to the surface, she told the state police officer assigned to the case that she was afraid of my husband and that he if called or came over she would call the police. That is one of the things that we didn't understand becuase if she was so afraid of my husband, so afraid that he would hurt her or the kids then why did she call us and have us move her down her. Why did she let the boys stay over with us on the weekends. This is where we always hit a stale mate.

I asked the police officer if there was anything she could do about investigating her but was told no. I have called, visited, and written letters. We are at a lost. We can't afford to hire an attorney, we were told that just to get started it would probably 4,000 just to get started.

We are trying to find out who we can call so that maybe we can get somebody to look at her or even get a jumpstart on this case by getting the kids taken care of. We found a informational site about Malicious Mother Syndrome and it fits her like a glove. We are scared to death that she is manipulating the kids. We know she is but the extent is still unknown to us.

Do you know if CPS exists in Arkansas. If so how do we get ahold of them. What can they do for us? Can it also hurt us?

[MixedBag]

as opposed to joint custody.

supervised visits also affect everything.

I suggest then that Dad go along with the supervised visits -- as long as BM isn't the supervisor.

After a successful period of time, go back to the judge and ask for unsupervised visits with the kids.

Dad may have been railroaded into this current situation, and he has to dig himself out of it now.

And all that takes time....precious time, as the kids are growing up faster than you want them too, I bet.

Haven't got a clue about state agencies in Arkansas.

I'd suggest starting in the "blue" pages of the phone book or taking a trip to the county courthouse and ask questions.

CPS on some level surely exists in every state.

Bring recorders to tape what's going on AFTER you make sure it's legal in your state.  Video recorders are also a great way to document dad's time with the children.

Camera phones -- geez, just about every cell phone is equipped with one.

[Stale Mate]

I know that this will help us get back in touch with the three of them that is still at home with her. What do you think the court will do about the fourth one that she sent away because of behavioral problems.

I wonder if the court will place my name on the list for visitation because my ex-wife refuses to place my name on it. We know that it is a violation of my visitation but we cannot get anyone to do anything about it. We even took my divorce decree up there and they stated that they cannot do anything becuase she voluntarily signed him in and she has control over who goes on the list. Its so discouraging. Some times I just want to give up.

[mistoffolees]

>I know that this will help us get back in touch with the
>three of them that is still at home with her. What do you
>think the court will do about the fourth one that she sent
>away because of behavioral problems.
>
>I wonder if the court will place my name on the list for
>visitation because my ex-wife refuses to place my name on it.
>We know that it is a violation of my visitation but we cannot
>get anyone to do anything about it. We even took my divorce
>decree up there and they stated that they cannot do anything
>becuase she voluntarily signed him in and she has control over
>who goes on the list. Its so discouraging. Some times I just
>want to give up.
>

The first thing you need to do is stop thinking that the court will be rational. Depending on the court, they may make the rational decision 95% of the time or 50% of the time and you have no control over that. Since the courts often make decisions that don't make sense to others, all you can do is think about what's reasonable, request it from the court, and hope for the best.

Given that, I think it's completely reasonable to ask the court for visitation rights for the one your ex sent away. Make sure you present the argument as what's best for the child rather than what's best for you. If you present it as being in the child's best interest (and hopefully have an expert witness to support that), you should have a good chance.