Sleepless in Vancouver Wa.

[asis]

On the suggestion of a friend, I began looking for legal family support for fathers, stay at home dad's in particular. Hours later I am still unable to find a local support group site or phone number.

My wife has been gone a week now with our 8 year old daughter. This is 5th times she has taken off with her. It does always happen after we have been having a rough time with things, but she never does tell me or discuss her leaving, or tell me off and go, or call the police if she is scared, she just always waits until hours, days and even months, before she actually acts.

When she does take my daughter it has always been at least a day or two before I even have contact. Even after she contacts me, she will never reveal the where abouts of my daughter, or who's care she is in when she works. She has taken her out of the country for two weeks, she has taken her out of state, once for two weeks, another for 3 months, and now this time she has again taken her out of state.

I have now been served a Restraining order/Temporary order notice to appear, and a court date in just over one week. I have contacted CLEAR(Coordinated Legal Education, Advice and Referral system) and received some instructions and a packet of forms to begin the process.

I have found the proper documents to respond with my own declaration for the hearing. I have asked a friend to help me with the declaration, however neither of us have any more to go on than a page or so from a pdf file about formatting and this line that line sort of info. It has no information of how I can or need to file with the court, if I have to serve her and if so, by when.

My friend also mentioned a concern of just how things will go or how much my role in the household will matter due to the fact that I am the father and not the mother.

I am a recovering alcoholic. I just received my 3 year sobriety coin tonight at my first voluntary AA meeting. My wife and I have been together for 10 years, however only legally married for the last 2 1/2.

Jan of 2002, my wife and I were laid off from our jobs. We worked at the same company. She had 10 years of service, and I had 8. At that time we were seperated, however we still had a relationship, and both supported and shared responsibility for our daughter with a mutual/verbal agreement.

Shortly after she, once again, found herself in a financial a rye, and decided to move back in with me and try it again.
We both had an education, she a BA from a University. She was never able to, or never did acquire a position relating to her education. I had training in Aviation Maintenance, and Electro/Mechanical experience. There were funds grants and loans available to both of us for continued education. She decided that she wanted to go back to school. We talked about it and agreed, we did not want our daughter in daycare once she started school. We had both been latch key kids and did not want that for our daughter. I was unable to find work as there were no jobs in my field. She had a sizeable debt in credit cards, and a new car. We had some un employment and our 401ks, which we exhausted in less than a year. I began my own hobby home buisness repairing lawn equipment. I also did any odd job I could find and schedule around or with care of my daughter.

She went back to school and graduated after 2 1/2 years. She found employment however it was low pay in a very depressed area. The debt we had incurred during the time she was in school was more than her income would support, and she has since found new employment with better pay, however, with a 1-3 hr commute everyday.

Shortly before we did get married, I took over the budget. We had always had our own bills and debts and took care of them separately. Well I took care of mine, she could not seem to take care of hers. She had always just keep giving them more money when they asked, without question. She continued to use credit cards which she had no means to pay them with. Finally the first card put garnishment on her check. She had no idea how, who, when or where to do anything about it. That was the first time she gave me authority to handle one of her debts. I took care of the problem and worked out a payment option. Since then I also took over her other bills. She had over 10k in credit debt, and a 4 year old car with  3 years of payments left. She had just paid off her last student loans from her BA.

During this time in order to pay off her debt and maintain our budget, I had to make several drastic cuts. I put off needed repairs on my vehicles, sometimes letting insurance lapse. I took care of or daughter. Getting her up every day dressed fed and off to school. I was there every day when she got off the bus. I have worked with her on her homework and involved with her school and other activities. I have attended all of her parent/teacher conferences. In the afternoons and summers she has helped me in my shop. She went with me when I would pick up customers equipment. For the last 4 years, less a few months during two of her disappearances, I have been her only daycare while my wife was at school or work.
I do the majority of the household chores. I clean the house, I do most of the laundry, and I put away dishes. I also repair our appliances, maintain our vehicles, maintain the house for partial rent.

My daughter is involved in several activities. She has gone to the same school since she started school, same soccer team for 3 years. She sings with her mom in the church choir, she attends a Christian Youth Theater group, she is in an advanced reading club at school for 2 years now.

There is much more to this story but hopefully that gives it a nutshell. I am basically in a position where I have a house that we both made a commitment to with a rental agreement. I have little to no income and barely if any means to obtain employment at this time until I can get one of my beater cars to be dependable. I have not seen my daughter nor do I know whos care she is in or even where she is.

There has never been a call to law enforcement for domestic violence. Never a charge let alone a conviction. No child abuse of any kind.

I want my daughter home with me. I want the house my wife so easily flees from, and which she can not maintain on her own. I also want some compensation until I can get myself back in shape to look, find and maintain full time employment.

Opinions, advice, help....are fathers mistreated in custody cases, how concerned should I be, groups or advocates that could provide help....?

TIA
Scott

[mistoffolees]

You're going to have to demonstrate stability and the ability to support your daughter. That means you'll need to find a way to get a job - NOW. I'm sorry, but a recovering alcoholic with no employment doesn't demonstrate to the court the kind of stability they're looking for.

Your stbx has a decent job and it would not be terribly unreasonable for the court to allow her to move with your daughter to closer to her work.

After you demonstrate your ability to be a responsible adult, then you are in a position to negotiate for future relationship with your daughter.

In the short run, I would suggest that you ask for mediation at the court hearing. I would also insist that the mother not be allowed to run away without telling you where she is. It is quite reasonable for the court to rule that both parents must always provide information on where they are (with some limit such as only needing to do so when they're gone for 24 hours or more).

[asis]

Thx for the reply,

I have been a Research Associate in child developement and human relations for 5 years now. I have also maintained my own business over that period. I have also done any and every odd job possible from framing, painting, sheetrock, roofing....
The house we are currently in I have restored from being abandoned. I am currently roofing it and my compensation will likely be rent.

I do have an education, skill and practical experience and am seeking employment. I expect to be able to re enter the workforce at or above the same wage my wife makes.  This does not happen in a few days.

It sounds like you are saying I can expect no support help to fulfill our mutual obligations with the house and utilities, Nor any consideration for my daughter and what she has done here with my involvement....?
 

[mistoffolees]

>It sounds like you are saying I can expect no support help to
>fulfill our mutual obligations with the house and utilities,
>Nor any consideration for my daughter and what she has done
>here with my involvement....?

I didn't even discuss support, so I'm not sure where you're coming from.

Your question was about custody. I said that to have any hope of a good custody position, you're going to need to demonstrate stability and the ability to support your daughter.

Your original post wasn't very promising in that regard. You need to focus on being able to PROVE that your home is the best place for your daughter to be.

THEN you can worry about support.

[asis]

I am not worried about support for my child. I am more than capable of fulfilling her needs. However, it will take some time to restore my vehicle, and find and complete interviewing process for any fulltime employment I need consider to support myself and daughter.

Other than the fact that each and every time she has done this in the past, she comes back with our daughter to the very same home and community she kidnapped her from. I can also obtain declarations from Clergy, church, schools, neighbors friends and family testifying that my daughter was well cared for by a loving concerned father, what would you suggest.

You said that an alcoholic will never be awarded custody.... What definition of "alcoholic" pertains here? How is one "diagnosed" as an alcoholic in the courts eyes?
I stopped drinking of my own free will. I was not ordered by a court, nor did I attend AA or any other sort of meetings, groups or counseling when I quit.

The only one using the term "alcoholic" is my wife. I did state I was one in my original post, however only because it was the verbage used in the motion.

I will absolutely admit I am a BAD drunk, and my wife always used that as  "The" problem. I finally decided for myself and family to simply NOT Drink anymore.
Recently we had a friend out for 4th of July. He brought some beer, drank 3 and left 3. Usually I or my wife or both, ask those who bring alcohol to take any remaining when they leave. This time it was forgotten. The first few days the beers were left in the fridge, I was home each day with my daughter. The first couple of days I barely noticed them. Then I began wandering why she had not said anything or just got rid of them. So now I waited, one week then two. Well I finally just asked her, how would you feel about me having one of those cold beers. She just sat and clenched her teeth and would absolutely not answer. Another 4 days passed before I personally took them outside, popped the tops and dumped them out. One of the brief conversations we had the weekend she left, she admitted to hoping I would have drank them. That she would then finally have something that I could not defend. In counsel with my pastor I explained this to him and he defended her saying it was a test of trust. I attended an AA meeting last night for a couple of reasons. One was to gain some perspective on the incident, the other was because I have had 3 years of sobriety. Nearly everyone in the meeting admitted they would not have been able to do that.

Sorry if that is straying too far from topic, but I feel it would be pertinent should this go to court as a custody case. At this point it is only a restraining order. I only came to that realization today after speaking with an attorney. That was about the only useful info I got out of the free consultation other than his complete fee schedule for each single item I may want to contest.

I hope I do not sound unappreciative of your post or info, quite the contrary. I am just trying to find out everything and anything I can, including opinion and speculation, that I may research or compile in order to prevent this from happening again, and to return my daughter to her home and her life.

Since you are the only one replying, may I inquire as to your experience or professional standing in this type of matter.

Again, Thank you

[mistoffolees]

>You said that an alcoholic will never be awarded custody....

I never said that.

I stated my opinion that if you're an admitted alcoholic, you're going to have to prove that you're a fit father and that you can maintain steady employment sufficient to support your child in a healthy environment and that it might be an uphill battle.

Don't read things into my post that aren't there.

And, no, I don't have any professional standing in these matters. I'm describing my experience. As I believe I stated earlier, you really need to see an attorney to get an opinion that is valid in your particular circumstances.

[asis]

quote] You're going to have to demonstrate stability and the ability to support your daughter. That means you'll need to find a way to get a job - NOW. I'm sorry, but a recovering alcoholic with no employment doesn't demonstrate to the court the kind of stability they're looking for. /quote

I apologize for mis stating your post. This forum is a bit different and I was not able to re read your post as I was making mine.

I do have an appointment this afternoon with an attorney to review my declaration. I also have an appointment next week with a Volunteer Lawyers group, however it is after the hearing.

I appreciate your time.

Thanks
Scott