BM threatened not to be home for scheduled pick up

[knoot7]

OK the facts:
Both parents share physical and legal custody - 50/50. Father gets more time if requested, sometimes not requested... M ,T, mother/ W, Th father - alternate F,S,Su - therefore 5 days one week 2 days the next week...been that way for 9 years court and mediation specific. 10 years ago the schedule was 4 days one week, 3 the next for both parents.

past year  - son had 17 days absent, 9 days late on mothers time, Son had 2 days late for fathers time, no absences. Mothers absence been increasing over years ..documented by school and father. Mother moved and has relationship problems with her DH, on and off for 7 years. more than 20 times moved in 6 years. Father has a wife of five  years and new child (2 years old) 2 moves since the divorce was final.

father sent request for son to be with him during school week. cordial, just the facts, no name calling. mother recieved letter- called mid evening to communicate son's abilty to access a phone, prior son had no means of communication. Once son went to bed, mother calls father, says she had custody now and will keep custody until a family court hearing.Father is to pick him up after work tomorrow. Mother said don't bother, bring the cops, won't be there. Mother has off from work, does not have a car and just started to work two weeks ago...so not alot of money.

Threat is on voice mail - therefore recorded.

Father freaking out -

Doesn't this mean that mother just hung herself and will not get custody or unsupervised visitation? Mother and Father both in new york. Mother and Father could usually agree - father taking more responsibility. The communication was just that a request. no court documents filed, no petitions presented. Just a maticulously explained and thought out request to avoid wasting courts time.

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Unless you have specific language in a court order as to which days you have the child(ren), it will be difficult to have police enforce the placement (custody...whatever your state calls it).  If the language is specific, they still may not enforce the pick up.  They will tell you to file a contempt of court and wait for a judge to decide if a warrant is needed.  This just happened with my DH in Wisconsin.  I would say that your best bet is to IMMEDIATELY go to the court and file a contempt of court (use voice mail as evidence of intent to defy a court order).  Also, be there with the cavalry to document her NOT turning the child over.  They may not do anything, but it will document her uncooperativeness and intent.  Consistently confirm you will be there for the pick up, regardless if she continually says she will not be there.  Also, get a neutral spot for drop off...such as police or sherriff's dept.  That way she has to make a concious and deliberate effort to not show up and it is documented by authorities and it takes the drama away from her of having you show up to house and she make a dramatic scene before neighbors or not show up and have the neighbors call police, etc.   Most importantly, BE RATIONAL.  If you freak out and get irate, etc....they will think her fleeing you is warranted due to domestic violence.  Get things in court IMMEDIATELY...there is no enforceable federal parental abduction charge.  If she leaves the state with child the other state may choose not to cooperate.  Don't make the mistake of thinking this kind of person will have the lights turn on and realize she is wrong.  That is what you call denial, and it will cause you to lose precious time to have an order before a court.

Good luck and God bless.

[knoot7]

thanks for the info.


Father has specifics in court order, stated more than once in mutiple orders. M & T mother - W-TH father alternate weekends. BTW - Son is 13

Father will go to court Thursday morning. can not file anything until it happens...until it happens nothing can be done. - Right?  Father freaking out - means pacing and worrying that he will not see his son again, despite the factors which mother holds....freaking does not mean breaking anything or coming even close to screaming...just pacing and expressed concern. Father has been in sons life from the begining - especially when mother left for 13 months when son was between 11 months and 24 months!!!

Mother won't realize this is wrong -this is a desparate measure.....the unfortnately thing is that father is trying to present a logical solution for son's well being. Father presented a solution which would make it easier for mom to see son and not have the responsibility of getting him to school and deal with her work schedule!

The fact remains - father can possibly predict where son will be for pick up - but do we allow for the refusal? Does he persue the possible location? What would  be the next step?

[gemini3]

If the court order stipulates that child is with the Father W-TH, and the mother refuses to make the transfer, then the mother is in contempt of court.  

You can't make her give up her weekdays though - only the court can do that.  While it does seem to be a logical solution, and better for the child, to be with one parent during the week, the judge has to be the one to decide which person that will be.  If the mom is moving as much as you say, and the child is regularly late or absent when with mom, it should be an easy decision for the judge (not considering any other factors, of course).  

You have to remember though, that what he sees as a logical solution she may be seeing as a threat of losing time with her child.  Did the father offer an alternative that won't take away her time with her child?  Maybe give her an extra weekend, or more time during the child's break from school?  You always have to consider how the other person is going to see things when you try to negotiate a resolution to something.

I feel for you and your husband, and know how hard it is to be on pins and needles wondering what is going to happen.  My husband and I have been there many times over.  It helps though, to just remember that you can't do anything until something happens.  She may cool down by Wed and let him pick up the child.  The only thing you can do is have a plan in place for what you will do if she doesn't.  

In preparation, you can send a letter to the BM of his intent to exercise his parenting time.  There's a sample with instructions on this site.  When he goes to pick up child, have him bring a copy of the custody/visitation agreement and a neutral third party witness (that would not be you).  If the mother is not there, make attempts to contact her, and then call and ask the police to come make a report.  If they won't (they sometimes won't send an officer out for that), then you can have the third party witness sign a statement of what time you arrived and that mother and child were not home.  You could also bring a camcorder and tape the exchange.  Then, go to court and file a show cause order.

But in the meantime, try not to worry about things you cannot control.  I'm not a religious person, but my dad was an alchoholic and the serenity prayer from Al-Anon works really well for me.  Good luck!

[ocean]

I''m in NY too...
Go to the local police department with your order stating father gets Wed/Thursdays....and bring the tape. Ask them to go with you at pick-up or if you are really lucky they will go before and see what is up.
If she is not there, then see if they will give a police report (sometimes...depends on the cop) and you file at the court.

What does the 13 year old want? If it goes to court, he will have some say of what he wants too.

Just try to stay calm....Since you have an order in place the hardest thing will be finding her. When she is working, where is the child usually? If you know where he might be, you can get him when she is at work?

Good luck!

[knoot7]

I understand mother's point of view but she didn't even read the letter. PLUS - Father is looking out for the best interest of the son, NOT the best interest of mother. However - this proposal is in the best interest for everyone but father -since father has more driving to do to ensure son gets to school. The letter was requesting for son to live with father. Father got reprimanded by the judge last time, for not trying to discuss things with mother first and going right to court. Since she didn't have a phone a letter was the only way to discuss concerns over high absennteeism, riding two hours one way on public transportation to school, her frequent home life upheaval of moving and her DH in and out of the house. The only way to provide proof of the proposed parenting plan was this letter. Actually in reality it is making her life easier since she lives an hour away from his school, she doesn't have a license or car, and she would not have to ride public transportation for two hours one way each day to get son to school, she could keep her job (which she may have already lost). This is ONLY during the school year and the proposal provided mid week time just not over night to ensure son gets to school. Mother doesn't have a high school diploma, school means nothing to her and she doesn't think it is important, has displayed this by making him stay home when he is not sick cause she doesn't want to ride the bus and take him. She will make son ride alone just to spite father. Not fair for son to ride a  bus 3-4 hours a school day just to have dinner with mother. He would be gone from her until 6pm riding the bus...a total of 12 hours as he would get the bus before 6am. Doesn't seem right.

Also mother works while son is with her - every weekend she works, son has to watch her daughter - his sister while mother is at work on the weekends. Father did not offer up more weekends due to that factor .... she is not spending time with him on the weekends, she is working.

Father will try to pick son up with court order in hand, with penal law sections printed out on what is acceptable, will have a witness and a video camera. Father can't do much more than that! If mother denies still, police will be involved, and contempt will be filed first thing in the morning with famimly court.

Silly thing is - she says she won't give son up until they go to family court. Nothing was ever filed wiht the court this request was just that a request and an attempt to make son's life better

[klehman]

Good luck on this issue.  In our experience, the police have not ever 'come through' with enforcement. In fact, we are lucky if they even show up in a reasonable amount of time. Their stance seems to be that unless the Order specifically gives them authority to enforce and assist in location, the contempt filing is the only route to pursue.  I'm in PA, though, so that could make a difference.  Our laws also do not allow taping without consent -- like the BM would give us permission to document her tantrums for posterity!  I could see the neutral location suggestion working...you could even try to find a public place that may be audio and video monitored to save yourself the trouble of recording.  Do call the police if she's not home and very politely insist they write a report to document the incident.  With the voice mail and a report, you've got solid support.