taking responsiblity

[slliw]

I am posting in fathers issues, because this is my story, I know it is long but I would truly appreciate feedback from anyone.

In short, We were a 2 income family by necessity, but only one income paid the bills. I worked full time , and my wife worked part time and went to school. We have three kids and the only way we were able to afford child care was through a state subsidized program with income caps. We were near the maximum cap, so we monitored our income to stay within the guidelines. Some may disagree, but it was a financial necessary for us. Either way We both had income coming in, me about $2000- salary and hers between $600- $800. Our cap was $3300. She worked 3 days and went to school 2 days. Our kids daycare was until 5pm. She had an earning potential of $1300, 3- five hour shifts, which were easy to come by,a very accommodating boss, and she did not work on school days.She was always broke, and only having $800- $1000 dollar paychecks. It would make sense if she was taking the kids to school every day and having to get off early but most mornings, I got the kids out, and leaving her work even at 4:30p, she could pick up the kids with time to spare. I also, picked up the kids 2 times a week. Aside from this discrepancy, she never had money to contribute to house- hold bills, she repaid her credit cards, went out with her friends, shopped, and sometimes bought groceries. I paid rent, utilities, the remaining child care fees, cell phones, family dinners out,birthday parties, and the credit cards in my name. Of my salary, my disposable income was close to 0. We survived but didn't flourish. This is how our situation remained throughout the demise of our marriage. Note worthy events being me being out of work for several months and taking low income jobs just to get money. Somehow, paying the rent and keeping up with all the bills was my responsibility. I asked her for help, but nothing except some groceries because she wouldn't like my choice of purchases. I had to beg and borrow money to keep a roof and heat in the house. Where was she? not so much for me, but for our kids? I wish I was lying. One month when I had exhausted all my resources and we were 3 weeks from rent, I knew even if I got a new job, a paycheck wouldn't come in time.Once again I explained the situation, I had no money left and no hope of getting any more , so I asked her to pay the rent that month. It was summer so she was not in school, it was just a matter of working full time for a couple of weeks. She said no. Our marriage was already trashed, and I knew there would be massive repercussions to my words, but I told her if she didn't work and pay that months rent, I was going to move out to my parents with the kids because at that point we would be in default of our lease.
It was a bluff that got the rent paid, but definitely ended the marriage. At that point, she started working full time, banking everything, not buying food, staying out, spending the night wherever. Getting her self ready for her move out.

The present, our lease ended and we could not afford our new rent. She moved into low income housing in our neighborhood, We decided that the kids would stay with her m-f, because I got a new job 30 miles away from 8-5p and it would be virtually impossible for me to take or pick up the kids from school like I used too. Also , she finished her teaching credential and found a part time teaching job that mimics the kids hours as well as her old job with the flexible hours.

Of course, the first thing she demanded of me is support. I admit I am a little bitter with respect to the irony of the situation. She makes righteous demands of how it is my responsibility to provide for my children. I'm sorry, but where was she all those years we were married and especially when I was out of work.
But I will give my kids what I have. We both incurred debt. Her mostly student loans, me, credit cards, trying to keep us alive all these years, about $25k.
Our unofficial temp arrangement is that she has the kids m-f and me with weekends with alternating short Sundays. We agreed that I would pay $600 plus insurance $25 plus childcare about $150-$250, and $35 for one child's lessons. So it has ranged $800-900.
With all this in place , the ex is now wanting to take a class on Wednesday nights, She markets the plan as an opportunity to spend time with my kids on a week day, ie.. it's not my fault you moved and work so far away , you should make time. Indeed, when I can work out a schedule when I can get up to see the kids on a week day, I will be all over it. Currently if I leave work around 5p, traffic is anywhere from 60-90 minutes to get to where the kids are so by 6:30p so I can spend 90min to 2 hours with them before they are get ready for bed.
But right now she is upset, that I am not leaving work early to drive up and be with my kids so that she can take a night class.

I am a jumble of confused emotions. By nature, I am nice, but not in a good way. I am way too accommodating. But now I feel I've done enough and she has to walk this path she has created.
All feed back appreciated

[mistoffolees]

As you're finding, trying to negotiate a deal with an ex is a difficult (if not impossible) situation because so much history, anger, and bitterness is involved. Just as importantly, nothing you negotiate carries any weight - she is free to change her mind at any time.

Consider that anything you do without an order can be considered a gift. Similarly, she can ask for much more in a permanent order if she wishes.

You need to get a court order in place ASAP. This should cover custody, how much time the kids spend at each home, financial issues, and so on. Since the court dockets are so full in many locations, you may need to get a temporary order while waiting for a permanent order.

The temporary order is NOT the same thing as a permanent order, but it is very unusual for the permanent order to vary too much from the temporary order - so fight for the best terms you can get in the temporary order.

If you can afford it, get a good attorney. Even if you can't afford it, consider getting a good attorney. You CAN do it on your own, but the results are not likely to be as good and you're going to deal with a lot more pain. Some law schools will have a student work with you at no cost. Or perhaps your state or county has legal aid to help you. If you absolutely MUST do it on your own, plan to spend a LOT of hours learning the system. Get to know the county clerk because you'll need their help to get filings done properly. And consider at least an initial consultation with an attorney (often free) to work out a strategy.

You may want to consider mediation (in fact, I think it's a great idea for most couples) since it will probably be less expensive in the long run than litigation and probably has better results).

In any event, mediation or litigation, remember that much of the past is irrelevant. It's hard, but you have to get past the pain and realize you're starting a new life. The judge isn't interested in who spent more money or when they paid the rent or any of that. You need to redirect your focus to the future - for your kids as well as for yourself.

Meanwhile, while waiting for a temporary order, spend as much time as you can with the kids. Get as many overnights as you can - even if it's inconvenient for you.  (for example, can you get up early enough to get the kids to school one day a week? If so, ask for Wednesday night as an overnight). Make sure that you separate all your accounts. Close any joint credit accounts.

You may need to consider bankruptcy. That won't relieve you of your child support obligations, but it may be necessary to deal with your credit card debt.

And good luck.

[slliw]

Thanks for taking the time to read my post.
I am hoping we can go the mediated route. But I didn't realize how important a temp order could be.
I do  need to let go of the past, maybe that is what depresses me.
I am planning to spend more time with my kids, I 'm not sure I can pull off an overnight, but I want to do some week day visits, even if only for an hour or two.

With my debt and salary, I don't think I can afford a lawyer, Maybe a legal aid group would help, I make $45k a year, it is not that much , but it is also more than what is considered low income. , But I need to try.
Thanks, again.

[wendl]

Carefull of legal aid, you get what you pay for and when it comes to your kids, you need to find a way to get a family board certified attorney.  

Read and educate yourself on family law, when in court NEVER NEVER raise your voice, interupt the judge/other parent, NEVER badmouth the other parent and keep your calm otherwise it will bight you in the ass.

Focus on the kids

Good luck

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**