First time dad

[Briannas-dad]

  I'm a 40 year old first time Dad. My daugter was born in December, 2003. Her Mother is 35 and has lived at home since her son was born. Her son is 7 years old and is from an earlier marriage. I have a home of my own with enough room for her, her son and my daughter. I would be honored to have them live with me and work toward being a family. I suggested it to her many times.
  I feel, she's avoiding a family because her parents are making it so comfortable for her and her son, and now my daughter, to live with them, that she seems to have created problems between us in order justify staying with them. Her parents are unnecessarily supporting my daughter and enjoying having her every evening when they get home from work. I feel that I have the right to raise, and enjoy seeing my daughter under my own roof.
  My question is, if the mother is not capable of supporting my daugter without her parent's income, and I am capable, Why do I have to pay child support and be the fourth in line for time with my daugter?
  I love my daughter, I would do anything for her. I AM NOT one of those fathers who would rather write a check every month than get involved with their kids.

[bluesman]

>  My question is, if the mother is not capable of supporting
>my daugter without her parent's income, and I am capable, Why
>do I have to pay child support and be the fourth in line for
>time with my daugter?
>  I love my daughter, I would do anything for her. I AM NOT
>one of those fathers who would rather write a check every
>month than get involved with their kids.

The short, and admittedly flippant answer is, because you're a man.

I, like you, am a very involved father who loves his kids more than life itself. I went through a custody evaluation that said we were both excellent parents and that the children NEED both of their parents. Then the court told my ex that she could move several states away. I immediately went from seeing my kids several times a week to less than once a month. I have gone into incredible debt having spent almost $90,000 dollars fighting this to this point and I'm still not done. I am still paying SPOUSAL support to my ex even though she got almost everything we had including significant sums of money. What did I get? I got screwed. I am in the hole each month in my tiny apartment, without my kids, while my ex has our children in her new house she paid for with cash.

There are people who say that you can do it yourself without an attorney and I suppose that in some cases people have been succesful doing that. What happens depends on so much - your attorney (or lack of), the judge, the laws of the state you're in, the age of the kids - that one can never say the father will always be treated as unimportant by the legal system and the divorce industry. But I'll tell you that after 2 years of dealing with this, going broke, reading countless stories of good fathers being treated as second-class citizens, and very, very few stories of fathers getting treated on an equal basis as mothers, I'd be lying if I said the odds are in your favor.

I'll stop my whining now and tell you that if you can afford it and you haven't already done so, get an attorney that has gobs of experience in custody in your state. It will cost you (try $450 /hr. in my state) but it can make a big difference. Secondly, do as much of the work as you can yourself on your case. Nobody will be invested as much as you, no matter how much you pay them. Next, don't EVER agree to something with the mother in hopes that you can change it or improve it in the future. Read that sentence a couple of times. My first attorney recommended I do that when trying to agree on a temporary order. That thing alone could very well have cost my children their father. And lastly, don't ever give up. Never.