help with vindictive exwife who is trying to keep daughters away from dad

[cjenmeg]

I am engaged to a man whose exwife is bitter and vindictive. She is using his daugthers against him and causing relationship problems with him. They have shared rights and responsibilites and she actually told the Daycare they were going to and their pediatrician that he had no right to any informatin about the girls.Before he filed for custody he suffered a Major Depressive Episode due to not seeing his children, going on strike at work, and my son who pushed himself away from him because of his depression. It was a very difficult time in his life and has completely recovered. That is only a small part of this issue. His daughter has asthma and is living in a state with bad air quality. Since they moved out the state she has been in the emergency room or doctors weekly. Where they lived as a family she went to the doctors twice in 2 years(ME, which is where we live). She has only been in the other state(MA) since April of 2003 and the medical papers are 2 inches thick. She moved three hours away and in the divorce decree states that he see the children on Wednesday evenings for dinner. She refused to meet him due to it being too far. He tried to arrange pickup everyother Friday til Sunday to make up for his Wednesday night so that the girls wouldn't have to sit in traffic. She didn't go for this. Shortly after one the oldest daughter called me mommy .   Actually she said " are we going to see daddy and my other mommy". That set a fire in their mother and she  filed a restraining order in maine, claiming he verbally abuses her in front of the children at pickup/dropoff. I have gone to every pickup/dropoff and never has he even raised his voice. She goes alone to pickup/dropoff, if she is so scared for her safety as she told the judge why would she go by herself to pickup/dropoff. Anyway at the hearing she  agreed to there  being no evidence of abuse yet they agreed that he wouldn't contact her unless it was about the girls and visitation scheduling because to go to a PRotection from abuse hearing would take 4 weeks and he wouldn't see his children.  He didn't see his girls for three weeks during the time the temporary restraining order was in effect and ever since then the girls have cried and hit and told my fiance they do not love him anymore. He contacted her about the girls seeing a psychologist because of their anger issues and she filed a violation order in the other state (MA) even though in ME it is allowed. We are getting married in September and was wondering if that would be a problem, if we should get married now.We bought a house together and  we are planning a beautiful wedding and since we are paying for it ourselves it is taking  a while to get married. She also doesn't have the girls call their dad when they are with her. He used to talk to them 2x's a day before this whole ordeal and now he is lucky if they call once during the two weeks he doesn't see them. They miss him so much. She has moved 5 times since April of 03 and is moving again into her new home at the end of the month. They are at a new school and some one comes to the house while she is at work. We have one of the little girls on tape yelling and crying "Daddy I don't love you anymore" "You left me". It is heart wrenching. Anyway she asked the courts to dismiss the case because there isn't any substantial change in circumstance. In my opinion the above examples, which aren't all of them, are enough to warrant a hearing. She also asked for an enlargement of discovery for his mental health. He has a great letter from his therapist but we are afraid the judge will take her word and dismiss the case. If this happens those little girls will never a relationship with their dad. She fills there head full of bad things that aren't true. We have witnesses from HER work that will testify she is vindictive and doesn't want him with the girls. We have a very good case, I think, If there is any other information out there that would help our case it would be greatly appreciated. We go to court to argue that is shouldn't be dismissed in March and then to a pretrial conference ( if it isn't dismissed) also in march,a week later. Both parties have lawyers but any other help is appreciated. The girls are with a daycare provider 50 hours a week. Their mother leaves at 7am and doesn't return til after 5. IF we get the girls I will stay home and the three year old along with my 3 year old will go to preschool a few hours a week.to me seems odd since she claims he is unfit as a father and a "mental case".We are a loving family and have requested a GAL to be assigned to this case based on the mental health issue. Their mother has motioned against a GAL which doesn't make sense since she claims he is unfit and a "mental case". I could go on and on. Advice is greatly appreciated

[Peanutsdad]

Look, Im sorry, but I got halfway thru your post and gave up.

Please try things like paragraphs,, it'll make it an easier read.

[nosonew]

You are going thru what everyone here has gone thru or is currently going thru.

Apparently, you already have an atty.  I hope it is a family law atty who is familiar with PAS and things of that nature.

Also, in the future, cut your post up a little with paragraphs, makes it alot easier for us to read and reply. :)

It is almost impossible to take kids away from their mother, but NOT impossible.  

One thing that struck me is this, you need to ask the judge for sanctions against her if she does not comply with the c.o. visitation.  Also ask for sanctions if she falsely accuses you or your husband in the future.

Take a tape recorder or have someone video exchanges.  This will be your proof of coordial exchanges.  ALWAYS have a witness to these things.  

You need to request a GAL (the court will likely appoint one), also, if the judge determines a custody evaluator to be used, you and hubby BOTH need to read everything you can find on this site (in the archives) relating to these meetings.  It will be a Godsend to know this info.  It can make or break your case.

When talking to the judge, gal, custody evaluator, counselor, anyone who wants to hear about THE KIDS, always, always focus on the kids, and not her behavior.  You can bring things up she is doing, but in a different way than slamming her.  YOU have to show that you believe both parents should be involved in their life, even if you wish she would drop off the face of the earth.  

And as always, Document, Document, Document, everything.  All attempted calls, all denied calls, all attempted everything.  And I suggest using email to notify her of things, and there are letters of "Intent to Exercise Visitation" on this site you can mail reg. return receipt to prove you sent them, and you need a paper trail of everything.  When you or hubby talk to her, ALWAYS be polite, and never let your emotions over-ride your good judgement.  It will be used against you later if you let loose.  

Good luck!--Nosonew

[NeverGiveUp]

How can your husband be having trouble with a vindictive X wife that's trying to poison his childrens minds, destroy his relationship with them, and push him entirely out of their lives?  Why, I'm not even remarried  . . .

Sorry, I know this is hard but I couldn't resist.  Truth is there's little you can do about it.  I don't care what anyone else here tells you.  He's the man, he looses.  False allegations will never be tried in court.  Your acquisitions merited or not will fall on deaf ears.  NO ONE will read your documentation unless it clearly proves that the mom is beyond any shadow of a doubt, insane!  No one will testify to anything, because they'll never get near the judge.  I don't care what your attorney is telling you.  Lip service is all it is.  A REAL trial can cost 100K or more.  They know you don't have it, they know everything you do have, remember the 25 page asset document they had you fill out?  So they're not going to do anything.  

I showed up in court 5 times over 6 months for a TRO that claimed my kids were afraid of me.  Each time I had in my hand an email from my X, dated only weeks before the claim that I was a psycho, asking me to watch the kids for a week while she went and plopped her a** on the beach with her friend.  No one read it, not the judge, not the GAL, no one.  I had dozens of pictures of children hanging all over me, some taken only days prior to the TRO.  Didn't help . . .

You can try throwing money at it. I spent over 20K.  You can try a different attorney.  I had 2 and interviewed over 15.  You can keep records.  I have 6 binders with emails, diaries, forged bills, documents showing my children being left alone in an environment where there were current arrests involving guns and acts violence, proof that my children were being left with someone on probation with CPS.  No one cared.  

Here's what I think you and your husband should do.  Keep your money and use it to show the kids a good time whenever possible.  Become happy, I know it's hard, and show them you are happy.  As they grow provide them with a place where they can live without aggression.  Give them unconditional love.  Don't ever say anything about the *itch that is their mother.  Let them live and in the end maybe, just maybe, they'll come home.  When a 14 YO decides where they want to be no court in the land will stop them.

Or, go the route I went.  I wish I had something more to offer you.  If you believe there's hope in family court, you'll be the proverbial drowning man clinging to a straw.