Been through Custody eval? I need help

[Dr.Stepmom]

Well, our custody eval finally started and things went well with the first interview.  Now we are looking forward to the next step...the parent/child play session.

I was wondering if anyone who had been through this before could give me any tips or insights.  I read everything I could find on this site, but couldn't find much related to this.

I read that you should try and do your session after the other parent...but it didn't work that way for us.  Also, my husband let the evaluator know that he would rather not do the session the morning after our exchange as child is exchanged half-asleep, is often disoriented and upset by the change that occurred while sleeping and is a little extra tired due to the interuption in his bedtime and sleep.  Truly we were being overconservative, as the chhild is usually pretty well adjusted and happy by breakfast time but just a little sleepy later in the day.  Anyway, the evaluator thought it would be good to see how the child does right after an exchange.

I would really appreciate any tips anyone can provide.  Are there any relevant articles or webpages out there?

Thanks!

[antonin]

Well, I heard to always do your session before the other parnt. But having been through an evaluation, and having gone first...I realize this is bunk. Last is best.
Since ex and I both saw the evaluator once, she was able to respond to my charges and able to accuse me of child abuse and everything else: going first gave me no chance to respond.

[Dr.Stepmom]

I think you misunderstood...I was not referring to the appointment for the interview, just the play session.

Any tips on how to handle the play session from anyone?

[ExtraMom]

We just had ours finished! I was a nervous wreck but please try to remain calm, do what is natural and usual for you. The evaluator will know if you are trying to impress. They feel it!! The evaluator will understand a child just waking in the morning and the fussies that go with it. They may want to see how you handle that transition, whether you get short tempered or are understanding w/ the child. How you cope with this is important. Maybe wake the child just a bit earlier so they are more awake. Or let child sleep a little longer so they are more rested and then less grumpy. You know your child do what you think is best. More than likely they are wanting to see how you handle the situation caring or edgy. Just relax and be yourself, try not to make a big deal out of it your child will also sense your stress and be edgy.

Our eval is recommending custody to go to us!!!!! I cried! Its been a long road!

[DecentDad]

Hi there,

Depending upon the amount of time you have, you may want to get this book (available at Amazon) by James Stewart:

The Child Custody Book: How to Protect Your Children and Win Your Case

It has a couple good sections on the evaluations.

Here's all that I've gathered from a variety of sources.  I'm expecting my eval report in a couple weeks (after a six month process with psych testing, home visits, office play session, and numerous interviews), so I don't know if my advice is any good.

1) Don't worry about having everything go "perfectly."  The evaluator isn't looking for The Beaver Cleaver family.  Evaluator wants to see the depth of your relationship with child, as well as the effectiveness of your parenting.  Try to anticipate EVERYTHING that may go wrong during your play session, and be prepared to act like an effective parent to address it.

2) Unless you're instructed NOT to, bring some of the kid's favorite toys or books.  This will help with his/her comfort level.  I did this with my 4 year old daughter on the office visit, and I arrived 15 minutes early to read some books in the waiting room with her.  The evaluator came out (I guess he heard us), I just told him that we were a few minutes early because we wanted to read some books, and he just said, "Great, we can all look at them together" (i.e., he wanted some alone time with my daughter too just to find out what she likes to do at each of our homes, and that book was a nice transition into him striking up conversation with daughter).  By contrast, he told me that daughter had refused to talk when biomom came into the office with her.

3) Don't introduce anything new for the play session.  If you're being observed in your home, don't change anything in the days prior to the home study.  You don't want your kid saying in front of the evaluator, "Hey, why is my room so clean today?"

4) Act natural.  My evaluator told me this too, likewise commenting it feels just as awkward for him to pretend to be invisible as it is for us to pretend like he's not there.

5) Be the parent, not some person trying to show off or win a child's affection because you think that is what the evaluator wants to see.  In our home study, we were going to go in the backyard to play.  Daughter wanted to wear her sandals (in December).  Evaluator had to listen to us negotiate what kind of shoes would be best for such a chilly day.  Just a slice of what a normal day is like.

Good luck!

DD

[bluesman]

Every evaluator does things differently. For example, before I went I read that it would be taped and the evaluator would observe from a different room. Niether of these things happened. In my case, I simply took the kids to the evaluators office and she sat there watching us interact. It was pretty relaxed, to be honest.

The key is to interact naturally with your kid. Don't try to do just what you think you SHOULD do. Be natural because being otherwise might confuse your kid anyway.

[nosonew]

Also, one other thing brought to our attention, GET ON THE CHILDS level during play, ie: if child on floor playing, you sit on floor too, not in chair next to child, etc.  If the child is coloring in a book, you color too, so I am sure you know what I mean.  The suggestion to get there early to read a book, and also to bring things from home are great suggestions.  Have never gone thru a home study, although requested one.  Good luck!

[bluesman]

>Also, one other thing brought to our attention, GET ON THE
>CHILDS level during play, ie: if child on floor playing, you
>sit on floor too, not in chair next to child, etc.  If the
>child is coloring in a book, you color too, so I am sure you
>know what I mean.  The suggestion to get there early to read a
>book, and also to bring things from home are great
>suggestions.  Have never gone thru a home study, although
>requested one.  Good luck!

Yes, good suggestions not only for the eval but also for interacting with your kids.

In my case, the home study was no different than the office visit with the kids. Just be normal (assuming of course that normal is good).

[antonin]

Yes, there are many variations in a CE.  Some are very formal, others not. Some involve structured play, unstructured play or a combination of both.

My evaluator was also very casual. He just watched us interact in a spontaneous way.

This was good for me, since my daughter climbed all over me and said...."daddy, I want to live with you."