my stepdaugter is in trouble and we need help

[worriedstepmom]

Hi everyone, I need some help to get custody of my stepdaughter.  Her father and I have spoken to lawyers and they keep telling me because of her age, she is 13, that trying to get custody may not be in our best interest, they said she will make our lives hell if we get her.

First let me explain what is going on and then maybe someone else can tell me what you think and what our best approach would be.

My stepdaughter lives in Indiana and we live in Minnesota, her mother pretty much lets her do anything she wants, she is failing school again, this will be twice in the elementary level.  Now she is cutting herself on her arms, staying out till all hours of the night, and her mom grounds her for a few days and then everything starts all over again.

The school has told her mom that she needs counceling and instead of trying to get help for her she leaves for 10 days on vacation and leaves her with her 19 year old sister who is not mature enough to watch her.  the other night her sisters boyfriend was there drunk and my stepdaughter watched him beat up her sister.  I don't think this is a good place for her to be.

I know this don't sound as bad as some cases but I feel it is bad enough to step in and try to get custody to get her out of this situation.

I just don't know what we need to do to get her, we don't have a ton of money to get the best lawyers out there, and because we are in a different state than her is there any special things we need to do?

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you

Kerri

[Kitty C.]

Are you in contact with the school?  And do they know about the self-mutilation?  If yes on both counts, you MUST contact the school and tell them they will be in violation if they don't report what's going on to the authorities.  ALL school employees are mandatory reporters and any signs of self-mutilation should be an instant phone call.  This child is SCREAMING for help!  

I could tell you to contact either CPS/DHS in your SD's area, but they have a tendency of not taking NCP's seriously, thinking it's all part of a custody dispute.  But if the report comes from an objective 3rd party, they will take it more seriously.

Another thing, get her school records.  Showing her failing grades, getting held back, and the self-mutilation could very well be enough to get a change of custody, but you MUST have proof.  Someone needs to report on the child and get her help NOW, to get the ball rolling.

[lucky]

The lawyers may be right and she may make your lives hell.  My osd certainly did.  And we survived (barely sometimes, but she's doing ok now).

HOWEVER, like Kitty said, this child is screaming for help!  And she obviously won't get it from her mother.

Hopefully someone will have some information about how to go about the process, but I just wanted to say I think you should go for it, she needs help.

[wendl]

Also get her medcial records too, if she is cutting herself she should've been seen by a doctor.

Life will probably be hell, BUT the child needs help and is lashing out for it.  

[dukemc66]

Hi, I actually entered this site looking for advice for my step-daughter.  But when I saw your post, I just had to respond.  I know every situation and child is different, but if I were you, I would find another lawyer.  My step-daughter is 14, when she lived with her mom, she was drinking, smoking and using pot.  However, the mother and step-father in the home were doing the same things.  They were always in bars and drunk, they were verbally and physically abusive.  She had to care for her 4 year-old brother and do most of the housework, her mother hates my husband and refused to allow the children to refer to him as "Daddy".  The step-father had fondled her and some of her friends several times.  You get the picture.  So one day the mother got mad at her and dropped her off with us, with nothing but the clothes on her back.  I was scared to death that it would be hell having her here.  But let me tell you, after an adjustment period, she has made a complete turn around.  She is once again a bright, happy little girl.  She has not touched anything since being with us.  (I know becasue we have kept her supervised by an adult at all times)  She is in church and expanding in her faith.  She has a's and b's in school and her teachers love her.  My point is, that when a child is in an enironment that they can not cope with they will often behave badly, but when the same child is put in a loving, supportive home, they will often turn around.  Now I'm not saying every child will improve, but the sooner your step-daughter is given a chance, the better.  One important thing you will need is a good lawyer and proof of your allegations. But, go for it.  Your step-daughter may be secretly wishing for a new life with you and your husband.  Also, if you get her, do not hesitate to put her in counseling ASAP.