SD wants to live with us now -- what do we do? Please help!

[zapped]

My SD just turned 14 and will be a freshman in HS in the fall. DH is NCP. We've had standard EOW, 1/2 summers and 1/2 holidays since she was 10 (prior to that there was no court ordered visitation.)

SD, BM, DH and I just had a meeting about 2 weeks ago to talk about SD (first time in over seven years! that's another story!) because BM has been having issues with SD. Apparently, SD has been skipping school (almost one week straight), flunking her classes, sneaking boyfriends, etc. - enough to warrant several trips to the school counselor where they suggested SD go on medication (anti-depressants) and seek counseling.

BM said that maybe SD was acting out because of a lack of a male figure in her life (of course, blame DH for her own inability to parent!) and so BM felt that maybe it would be best if SD tried out living with us for a while (BM is single, DH and I have our own family- SD is from a teenage pregnancy and DH/BM were never married).

We were pretty surpised when BM suggested this because we had tried to get 50/50 just 2 years ago when we noticed a drastic emotional, physical (sudden weight gain) and sudden drop in grades. Of course, at that time, BM said "over my dead body" and after all the years of fighting with her (we had to fight just to get the standard EOW) we left it at that. We knew that SD was in trouble then and now it's all coming out. SD is left alone before and afterschool, no one to guide her or be there for her and she has an enormous amount of time to do whatever she pleases. The 50/50 plan we had wanted had included afterschool tutoring, supervised activities in an afterschool program, and sports activities. It was a great plan and probably would have helped SD out but of course BM didn't go for it. Now 2 years later, SD's issues are worse and BM is blaming DH's absence (which is, of course, her own doing after trying to keep him out of SD's life for so long!). Go figure.

So we ended the meeting with the plan that SD would spend half summer with us, half summer with BM and then SD would decide if she wanted to try out living with DH and I for her freshman year. This weekend, however, (SD had her visit this weekend) SD confided in me that she actually did want to live with us but didn't want to hurt her mom's feelings (which is natural). I guess SD had been so depressed and lonely at BM's. SD was really unhappy there. I guess SD has been feeling this way for a while now.

Well, long story short - SD called me tonight and was in tears. She wanted me to pick her up. Apparently, BM had been asking her how the visit was and if SD had decided where she wanted to live (??? thought this wasn't going to happen til summer??) and SD said "I want to live with my DAD!" and BM started slapping her, screaming at her and said "After all these years this is how you're going to treat me!?" Guess BM just went bezerk. What I don't understand is why BM would react this way if her daughter was just being honest with her. Plus, this was BM's idea in the first place! I guess this is what SD has been dealing with all these years so my take is SD has just had enough (or is old enough to know that she doesn't want to be in this type of environment).

Now DH and I don't know where to start. Right now, the custody case is in between counties. Our last court hearing for 50/50 was never resolved as the judge requested that we move the case to the county where we all lived but the papers were never filed in the new county.

We have all agreed (DH and BM talked on the phone tonight) that it's alright for SD to begin living with us. How do we make sure that we protect ourselves legally in this situation? Do we have to open up a new case in the courts or can we just have a lawyer draw up paperwork and DH and BM sign? DOn't we need something like this to present to the school, etc.?

We have already told BM that we would have an open visitation - no standard EOW crap for her. And we wouldn't have her pay any child support, either. OR are we being naive in thinking no court-ordered visitation/no child support is ok in this case?

Please help! Really confused!

[patton]

My personal opinion only,  Ideally, since the child is 14 years old, visitation should be decided between her and her mother, when it will work for each one, if the father is agreeable and the mother agreeable to this situation.  You are talking about 3-4 years at the most, as this child is almost grown.

  I think parents need to take into consideration that activities and such are important to a  child.  I know, I'm probably going to get slammed for this, but espically if they live close enough where either parent or both can particpate or watch the child.  The child didn't ask to be born, but the child can ask to do things, which the parents should be supportive of.  That's not to mean you should sign your child up for everything there is to avoid visitation, you should be able to work these things out in what is best for the child.

As for Child support, I'd ask, even it's just minimum wage support.  

[zapped]

Thank you for the reply. SD currently has no activities and she will be starting HS in the fall. She basically has no ties to her current school (activity-wise) since she will be graduating from there next month. I agree that everyone just has to come to an agreement -- however, I am wondering if we still need to get this all done legally through the courts (the custody change, that is).

[deb09]

A lot of schools will now ask for some kind of proof that the child is living with you and that it is legal and agreed to by both parents or ordered by court.

The cheapest way to do this is to have a lawyer draft an agreement which both of the parents agree to and sign, then file it with the court.  This document could then be given to your SDs new school when you enroll her.  They would also take a notarized statement by the BM that SD is coming to live with you with her consent.

I have a troubled teen at home and I don't envy you one bit.  She will work to make your life holy heck and will probably try and manipulate both families when things do not go her way.  This is my second teen.  

My first teen I allowed to go live with her father when she was almost 15.  She escalated her bad behavior and he eventually gave up and let her quit school at 16, saying that he couldn't keep track of her anymore when she would skip school or run off with her friends.

My second teen began a similar pattern and I ended up sending her to a summer program that helped a lot.  She lapsed when she came back from camp, but she is much better now with the support of adult FEMALE role models - teachers, office help at school, and her godmother.

Her situation is different in that she was living primarily with dad until she was almost 12.  So maybe your SD does need role models.  I found my daughter a male psychologist and asked him to help her by being a male role model for her since her father didn't support her very well emotionally.

Her situation with her father had escalated to the point where they had had several screaming matches where he struck her.  I have to say honestly that teenagers can drive you to it - so maybe her mom had just had it with her.  My dd's dad allowed her to come live with me out of sheer frustration with trying to deal with a difficult child.  This would also explain why mom didn't want the offer 2 years ago and now does...

I'm not trying to say that moving in with you will be a bad thing for your step-daughter.  It may help to shake her up and set her on the straight path.  It is going to take a lot of work though, because once they are on the crooked path it takes a big effort to steer them straight again.

It has not been an easy road with my daughter and there are days that I wish she WOULD go back to dad's (lol the horror).  I just wanted you to realize that it can be a horrible thing and that you as the step-mom and probably spending more time with her, may bear the brunt of this.  Your younger children will also be exposed to huge fights eventually too.  Be absolutely sure that your husband is behind you 100%

Deb

[YahYah]

Just write up a contact order and a parenting time order and have her sign it in front of a Notary Public.   You can find one at the courthouse or at a bank or just in the Yellow Pages.  It might cost you $20 for the Notary to witness it and put the seal on it.

It is then a legally binding document that you file with the court house.

Voila.  A very very cheap custody order.