custody change

[Joe]

I am a father of two daughters 10 and 8. My exwife and I have been divorced since 1998. We have joint custody with her being the primary caretaker.

Two years ago I tried to change the custody agreement because of items that were very serious to their well being but obviously not to the court because I was recommended by my lawyer, after paying him for a year, and also going through all sorts of counseling, that I would not win in court.

My agreement calls for visitation every other week and every other two weeks during the summer. My girls live in Marion, Ill. and being that I used to live in the area the agreement worked ok because I was local and usually spent more time with them because she would always give them to me in lieu of her finding a babysitter. Now though I live outside of St. Louis which is almost 2 hours away and the time together has become very slim. I would like to change my agreement so I could receive vistation for the entire summer and also during breaks in school as well as some holidays.

I feel like my relationship is fading with my girls because of the stress imposed by my ex. First of all she does not have a regular house phone, only a cell phone that can make local calls. My daughters have repeatedly asked her to call myself and my wife only for her to tell them no, which really makes me red, I try to call them during the week and every single time they are on the phone for literally 2-3 minutes and she is yelling at them to get off the phone to perform some menial task like cleaning their room or brushing their teeth. Every single time. I have no ability keep up on their life because she refuses to give me that time on the phone, when I approach her it just turns argumentative and that is not good for them to see.

Also I am forced to do all the driving to pick them up and take them home because she refuses to do anything. This is 4 hours driving on Friday and 4 hours driving on Sundays. Yet she always visits the area to see friends and go to the clubs.

It is in my heart that unless I change custody completely, my girls will grow up victim to her lifestyle and habits. She is like most exwives Im sure and likes to make everyone's life hell, mostly falling on the girls, which are suffering emotionally and psychologically. Their grades are dropping in school and they are really starting to pick up bad habits like swearing and hanging out with troubling kids. My ex has had random people moving in and out of her house causing my daughters to be shifted from room to room bed to bed, and sometimes not even a bed or room at all. Every time I have them on the weekends it seems that they hardly have any food at all. If all this is not bad enough I found out from my 10 year old that when she was 8 "mommy said that I was mature enough to watch sissy while she went to the store"  

It is absolutely heart wrenching to lie in my bed at night and imagine whether or not they had enough to eat and if they are even sleeping in their own bed. Even if they were hungry they can't even pick up the phone and dial to tell me. I understand that people go through tough times in life but my ex runs her life like it's a sorority and she is dragging my kids through it.

Like the parents here and most in the world, I would give my life for the security of my girls. Why do I have to sit back and watch their lives get WASTED because some judge has no idea what is best for MY KIDS

Joe

[rebecca]

I understand how upsetting it must be for you to miss your children.  But, you should do the driving since you chose to move out of the area.  It was not your childrens choice and it was not their mothers choice.   IMHO

[wendl]

you could try to modify the current order, requesting 6 weeks in the summer, alternating school breaks etc. Also could request that the receiving parent provides transportion that way you would pick up the kids friday from her house and she would pick them up from your house on Sun.

As for custody, it takes a lot to change, I suggest documenting everything, obtain school records, medical records, stay in contact with the schools etc.

Read everything you can on this site.

[YahYah]

since you live out of state.  You should have tried to get one before you left the state, to be honest with you.

Yes, you should get all school breaks, a split at Christmas - where you get one christmas, she gets the other.

You should get long weekends, since you're in driving distance to their house.  Long weekends are any weekend that incorporates Friday and/OR Monday off from school.  If the long weekend extends either before Friday or After Monday, you should get those days as well.

The telephone contact is just UNACCEPTABLE.  You should be getting a minimum of 2 phone calls per 7 day week, for a total of 15 minutes PER child PER phone call.  

If you do not get a hold of your children at their home phone number, you should be able to leavea message and they should call you back within the next 24 hours.

I would strongly recommend requesting a telephone schedule. For instance, Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays between 6:00 - 7:00 Pm.

When my ss was long distance my husband called on Tuesday evenings and Saturday afternoons.  His mother used to deny access ALL the time, so I feel your pain.  She also didn't have him call back... ever... and when she was there he wouldn't really talk to either his father or I.  He'd be really .. curt... brief... but when she wasn't there? he'd talk for .. a LONG time.. 20-30 minutes with EACH of us, dh and I.

You should request a specific phone contact order immediately.

As far as summers.  We had an order that said my dh got the ENTIRE summer school vacation, all except EITHER the last 2 weeks of summer, the First 2 weeks of summer OR one at the start and one at the end.

Basically, my ss's mother got him for 2 weeks in the summer time.

It did not matter that my husband worked all summer long, becuase I was home.  If I was not home, ss would have gone to summer camp type situations.  That is normal for lots of kids in intact families and with custodial parents, so don't let her try to edge her way into denying you time because you have to work.  WHen you are the CP during your time you can decide where the kids spend their days

UNLESS she insists on a First Right of Refusal, which doesn't really make much sense in a long distance parenting scenario.  You won't be able to take advantage of it during the normal year, she shouldn't be able to request it during the summer.