I think we screwed up! Help!

[zapped]

We are in CA (Contra Costa County). DH recently got custody of SD (14). It was SD's decision to live with us and BM supported SD's choice.

We met with BM out of court, signed the necessary paperwork to transfer custody, and agreed on financial arrangements (BM did not want to pay child support so we agreed and in turn she would waive DH's backpay to make it fair over the next four years). DH could not submit the paperwork at that time because the case was in the process of being transferred between counties. This process took two months.

DH finally got a case number and went to the courthouse to have the stipulation/order signed by the judge today. The worst happened - we had to get the documents notarized before the judge would sign the documents. At the time of signing, we could not find a notary that was open (it was Saturday). We all thought that we wouldn't really need it anyway and agreed that, if need be, we would have it notarized later on (boy, were we wrong! Lesson learned!)

Unfortunately, during the two months that we were waiting for the case to be transferred, things turned for the worse between DH and BM. DH asked BM when she was going to waive the arrears and we found out that BM no longer wanted to waive the arrears ("he owes her now") and that if we ever decided to seek child support, she would re-open the arrears case (she is THAT afraid of paying child support). Of course this caused a lot of drama between everyone and DH decided that he would have to seek child support to offset those arrears. This situation brought out other petty issues that I won't bother you with, but let's just say that things got so bad that now DH and BM do not speak at all.

Because of all of this, BM is now refusing to notarize the original documents that she signed. She also now wants to reverse the entire situation (even though SD wants to stay with us and it is honestly in her best interest to stay with us). BM also says she is re-opening the arrears case this week (which is really besides the point but I just thought I'd throw that in there!). DH was also told that if BM did not agree to notarize, we need to file a motion (?) for custody and child support. I'm afraid that resolving this situation is going to be a long, drawn-out process involving the court, mediators, and possibly a lawyer.

1. Can BM actually deny signing the documents? All her actions prove otherwise - she closed the current support case and SD has also lived with us for almost two months now.

2. What can we do short of seeking a lawyer? (I've been looking for an attorney, BTW). We are trying to settle this out of court one more time (we are going to ask to meet with BM and other family members this weekend) but with the way things are going, I highly doubt that she is going to be cooperative.

3. Does SD have to go back to BM until this is all settled? SD does not want to go back. She is currently in summer school until mid-August as well.

Please advise. I'm so worried! Feel like kicking myself for not pushing the notary issue with DH when they signed the documents back then! Ack!

[tulip]

1. She can deny signing the documents, but you should be able to prove otherwise if you have to. Unfortunately, without a notary, a signature usually doesn't mean much. And without a judge's signature, that agreement is not legal and binding.

2. You MUST speak to an attorney. I would try to get bm to go to mediation to work things out. She seems to just be having a pissing contest. Work it out with an unbiased mediator. Even if she refuses to go, if you can show the judge that you are trying to make an honest effort to work things out without court involvement, they will appreciate that.

3. How far away does bm live? If sd is enrolled in school, and bm is trying to force her to leave school and come back to her home, you may be able to file some sort of restraining order to protect her from being removed from her school.

[mjhdad]

Sorry if this is too late to help. Your case is very similar to mine and I hate to se anyone else got thru what I have. We need to talk.

First, your questions:
1 she can deny it till the cows come home, but there are ways around that. The best way is a witness. She may have closed the collection portion of the case, it's unlikely anything has changed the existing support order, it should still be accruing.

2 Assuming that this is an existing parenting agreement, there should be a clause requiring mediation before litigation. In fact, in CA, i believe the court requires it before allowing action to be filed. Attempts to mediate should be exhausted before filing. The next alternative is doing the filing and representing yourself (pro-se). To do this, you need to do all that an atty would. (for this case it is complicated, but not that difficult)

3 The only thing keeping sd with you is your willingness to keep her there as long as support continues to accrue, and bm retains physical custody on paper. This is very shaky ground. After 2 yrs, I am still fighting to get my case settled, and it has cost me a ton to get here, and I could still be screwed over. (My personal opinion would be get it done before school, or sd goes back to mom)

I have much more i'd like to share with you and others, if you want to reply thru the board, if you'd like to email me, please do ... [email protected]

You can catch me in chat most evenings/nights as mjh