What next?

[CrazySonoran]

I posted here a while ago but cant remember what I had for a login, so here I am under a fresh name, needing some advice. I tried to summarize my situation but its hard to shorten it a lot. but here goes.

I was verbally abused by my ex-wife starting about the time our son was born. She had 3 boys from 2 previous husbands, and we had a son together, who is 2 now. Last November she stranded me at my parents with no car, no furniture, no household items, just my clothes and some junk I had. I had my son on weekends; until I changed jobs then I had my son 3 days every week. This lasted until she got a hair up her nose and went to get temporary custody set to me having him every other weekend. Well long story short at mediation she wouldn't even listen to what I said unless it meant she had custody like it is set now (me having our son 4 days a month).

I am considering doing what they call 'Dispute Resolution' where they interview everyone and put the child in a room with a counselor, and then decide the custody. The other choice is to go duke it out in court. I do have pictures of her older child's room with satanic symbols on the walls, porno movies and booze bottles and beer cans lying around (he was 15 at the time). I also have the letter of suspension when her 3rd son brought pills to school and started handing them out to other kids, and I'll be trying to get info from the local police on calls where they came out to drop off one of the kids when they were out past curfew or were found on a motorcycle with a friend of his that was stolen, and some things like that.

I wish there was a way to prove verbal abuse, I looked at a website that described verbal abuse and 80% of that list and all of the critical factors applied to my situation. I have one witness in my mother who has seen some of the things my ex has done with her older kids, like letting them run around late at night, letting them whine to her until she lets them off being grounded, or letting them whine until they get their way in other ways. She cannot say no to her kids for any reason. I also would have to talk to a friend of mine, an old co-worker, that was actually friends to the two oldest of my step-sons for a while, he has seen a lot of what goes on with the mother verbally abusing me and the kids. He was there the day the 15 year old was caught by police on the motorcycle that his friend had stolen and was also there when the police were called out on a disturbing the peace call, the boys had the stereo cranked up WAY loud, I drove up right before the police got there, of course by then the music had been turned down.

Anyways, should I just go to court, or try this 'Dispute Resolution'? The Dispute resolution would take until at least December to be able to get in. Getting a court date might take a while too though. Has anyone done something similar to Dispute resolution? What was it like? Anyone need more info? I can type more later when I'm not about to go to bed exhausted.

[lookinnomore]

In the state of Virginia, which is where I am, mediation is the first step.  You can't even get into court to fight for custody until you go to mediation.

I say go to the "Dispute Resolution" maybe she will "wig" out in front of the mediator and show her true colors and that would be a great witness as they make a report for the court.  Bring any evidence that you have into "dispute resolution" it will be useful to whoever you see that day to see what kind of home life the child is in.

Good LUCK!

[onedaddy]

Maybe my story can help you decide.....
My husband's ex-wife and her entire family were verbally abusive throughout their courtship and marriage.  There were too many witness, friends, family neighbors.  She remarried 2 months after the divorce and her new husband began to threaten my husband.  My husband has his 3 month old truck blown up after he refused to pay her husband's "co-workers" $700 to blow up the leased vehicle they both owed money on.  Her father came to his job and caused a seen, the next day my husband was fired, the first time he's ever been laid off.  The ex was found in contempt 2x in NJ for not paying her shares, fraudulently taking out a $5,000 loan under my husbands name and ss#, interfereing with his phone contact and parenting time, among other things, 3 days after the 1st contempt order she filed bogus harrassment charges against him and changed jurisdication to suffolk county, NY, they did not want to hear what already happened in  NJ.  She filed additional harrassment charges 6 months later and had him arrested for the first time in his life, after he refused to allow the children to move to florida.  Her sister filed bogus harrassment charges 2 months after this.  Her husband threatened my husband in court after the 2nd contempt order and we later found out this man spent 5 years in a state prison in Florida for domestic violence and arson, he has 26 arrested most for domestic violence and patronizing prostitutes, he has numerous orders of protection filed against him, he has 2 children by 2 women the state of florida gave him no rights to, he has been married 4 times and he has more rights over my husbands children than my husband.  The ex had my husband arrested a second time saying he threatened her and her husband even though I have numerous tape recordings of her and her husband threatening both my husband and myself, of her threatening to throw my husband in jail if he doesn't do what she says.  My husband spent more than 10 hours in a maximum security cell and we posted $2500 bail because we lived in another county.  We forced a trail and 5 months later the judge said she was not credible and he didn't believe a word she said; it's illegal to file false reports and cause harrassment in such a way but he refused to punish her, the police refuse to press charges.  She called child protective services, they eventually found her statement to be "uncredible" too.  She decided to fight for full custody and have my husband only have supervised visitation because she got tired of dropping the kids off. He gave her permission to move 90 miles away and gave up his every wednesday evening parenting to make her happy.  We are now fighting for custody, we have spent $30,000 in lawyer fees alone this past year, we lost thousands in lost wages, we spent hundreds on various drug tests after she accused him of being a drug addict, having never so much as tried a drug, a cigarette and rarely a sip of wine, he took each test immeduiately yet she waited 5 months to do so herself, we are currently spending $4,000 on a court ordered forensics evaluator to end this case.  With all this, we are told chances of the father getting custiody are still slim to none.
My advise build a case against her,  do not have any contact without a tape recorder rolling, buy a pocket size and keep it in your pocket whenever you are near her, tape all phone conversation, and file harrassment charges against her whenever she threatens you.  Sounds harsh but it is the only way you will be allowed to protect your child.
Good luck!
I will let you know if we win custody on september 28th

[Lawmoe]

You are focussing in the wrong area.  

Remember, child custody is often based on what is in a child's best interests.  It is incomplete to say that the other parent has "satanic symbols, empty liquor bottles etc..."  What is important is the EFFECT on the child.  Doeds the child's grades suffer. Does the child have behavior problems.  You must tie the issues in to the child or it is irrelevant and incomplete.   Moreover, falling grades or behavior problems also give you independant indicia of a problem to supprort your claims.

Try the Dispute Resolution, it may yield valuable information and leads where you may look for more.  if you file a motion half cocked and lose, all the information is swept under the rug and you would need new information occurring since the last order (change in circumstance) to file another motion.