I want my son!

[imajerseygirl]

I just need to vent here.  My ex husband is STILL not over me leaving him.  I am so sick and tired of being the bitch.  I am a damn good mother and my son is a great kid because of that.  I chose not to work after he was born so I could raise him..wasn't easyf financially..but it was the right thing to do.  My son is the best....

My ex has full primary custody (my son's address is his), but we share joint legal.  My ex has made it so hard for me.  I am in a new relationship and he is bitter.  I've had to move twice in the last year, and now I'm 2 hours away from my ex.  I want my son every weekend (as stated in our custody agreement).  My ex feels that won't work.  My son had some adjustment issues a while back, but it seems they are gone.  He is doing great.  He just asked me on the phone "Mommy-why do you pick me up every other Friday?"..Do you know how bad I wanted to tell him because that is all that daddy will allow!!!!!!!!

But I didn't.  I tried to avoid the question..then he asked..Mom-could you pick me up every Friday?  Would you do that for me Mom?

What was I supposed to say?  I want him every Friday!  I pick him up and drive him home every time I see him (almost 2 hrs 1-way).

Our custody agreement says I shall have him on Sunday (10am) thru Wed (6pm).  Well, because of my son's preschool and me working, I am able to pick him up Friday after school (11:30am) and drive him back to school Tuesday (9am).  My ex says this is too much.  Because of my son's adjustment issues a while back, he doesn't want to overdo it.  I admit there was a time there where I thought seeing him every other week was best.  I chose to leave my house so my son could stay in the only home he's ever known.  Felt guilty for kicking ex out, because it was my choice to leave.  So, I didn't want to disrupt my son's very stable life with his dad.  I thought every other weekend was best for a while.  Now, my son's adjusted to everything very very well.  I want him every weekend!!!!!

I told my ex that I want to hear him tell our son that he won't let mommy see him every weekend.  I don't want my son to think it is because I don't want to see him!!!!!!

My ex is still bitter and won't let this go.  He needs to get over me leaving and move on!  I feel like he is starting to use my son as a pawn, and I REFUSE to let him do that.

Any thoughts?  I have no $$ for a lawyer...I am in SERIOUS financial straights right now.  What do I do?  The lawyer will need a retainer of $2000. , and I have $1.00 in my bacnk account.

I am so lost

[ocean]

What does your agreement say? Is it court ordered? If you have something in writing with the court, and your ex is not following it, you can go to the court by yourself and file contempt.  (but since you had to change days, you could ask for the visitation to be changed due to work and pre-school schedule?)...Soon, you will need to think about what to do for when he goes to school...Not sure, but 2 hours one way every weekend might be a little tough on him. You should address this too so you do not need to go back to court. Hope this helps! :)

[Stepmomnow]

"I told my ex that I want to hear him tell our son that he won't let mommy see him every weekend. I don't want my son to think it is because I don't want to see him!!!!!!"

You are putting your very young son in the middle of adult affairs and that is very wrong.  It is not for your son to decide how he should spend time with you, but the adults in his life.  When he asks, you need to just say you and his father are doing what is best for him.  

Why should his father never get time with him on the weekend?  How will this help his relationship with the parent he is living with?  

I am sure your son misses you, but you need to put his stability before your desire to spend time with him.

Just my opinion....

[MYSONSDAD]

"My son had some adjustment issues a while back, but it seems they are gone. He is doing great."

Not only is she putting the son in the middle of adult issues, but admits her son has adjusted.



"Children learn what they live"

[Jules]

I have to agree that the CP deserves some weekend time with his son, as well.  Weekdays in most households are controlled by jobs,   house hold chores, homework, etc.  Not much time to relax.  It only seems fair to share weekends with the NCP.

By the way, I am a NCP to a 16 yo son, who lives with his dad 45 min. away.  He's done this since he was 11.  It is a fact of life that as they get older, they get more and more of their own social life, and then the NCP will see them even less.  I use the phone, e-mail and weekday dinners to keep in touch.  But I have had to accept that he is growing up and growing away.  My ex and I get along very well, and he keeps me informed and makes it easier for me.  

Our decisions always come with consequences.  Men have dealt with NCP issues for generations - women need to accept that men can be very good parents.  My son was out of control, and his dad has helped him become a wonderful young man.  I will always be thankful for that.

[DecentDad]

Ok, so you have some issues, no?

You're admittedly financially unstable, you're moving around quite a bit (twice in a year?).

You're also a fabricator, exxagerator or outright liar.  No preschooler would say, "Mommy-why do you pick me up every other Friday?... Mom-could you pick me up every Friday? Would you do that for me Mom?"

You admittedly can't follow the original agreed schedule for parenting because you moved so far away.

The original schedule seems pretty fair, virtually 50/50, and each parent has half a weekend with the child.

It seems only due to YOUR circumstances that you can't do that.  If your ex wasn't following it, then he'd be in violation of court orders, and you could take him in for contempt.

What appears to me is that -- perhaps for very good reasons-- you've got major circumstantial challenges in your life right now.  There's nothing wrong with this.

However, it's unreasonable to expect your ex and/or your son to switch around terms to best accommodate you.

Y'all had an agreement, and it was solely through your own decisions that make it difficult for you to follow it.

Quit blaming your ex, look inward at your own contributions to the situation, and make decisions to improve your own situation.

Is any of the current scheduling situation your fault?

DD

[Skooter95]

I just had to give my two cents on this as well.  First of all, I am in the same situation (somewhat) as you are. My husband has primary custody but I get to see my daughter about 40% of the time. We have a signed agreement by the court for this. We have never been to court, YET.  As of right now, we are in the middle of a custody battle with me trying to get 50/50 custody.
In regards to your comments on you being a good mother, I'm sure you are.  What you need to think about here is what is best for your son.  

You said "I've had to move twice in the last year, and now I'm 2 hours away from my ex."

If you REALLY wanted to be close to your son, then it was YOUR choice to move away.  I have remarried and so has my ex husband and we live about 30 minutes apart.  If for whatever reason my ex husband decided to move away, I would do whatever it took to keep him here but if necessary, I would follow so that I could be close to my daughter.

You said " He just asked me on the phone "Mommy-why do you pick me up every other Friday?"..Do you know how bad I wanted to tell him because that is all that daddy will allow!!!!!!!!"

The best thing for you to do in a situation like this is to let him know that both you and your dad love him and want him to be happy.  Don't make him think that you are crying and miserable when you talk to him on the phone or see him. That only hurts him.

You said "  I told my ex that I want to hear him tell our son that he won't let mommy see him every weekend."    
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING???? That is the LAST thing that you need for your son to hear.  I seriously doubt that your ex husband wants to keep your son from you.  From one mother to another, I do understand your pain and your need to see your son more often, but for whatever reason, you chose to move that far away.  If you are in SERIOUS financial straights right now, how do you expect to support your son??? Whth $1.00 in your bank account, it really sounds like you wouldn't be able to feed your son or put clothes on his back.  Then you have doctors appts, medicine etc.  

I"m not trying to be harsh with you, but I do see my daughter a lot more than you see your son but I also fought to stay close to her and will always have her in my life. I volunteer in her school, have lunch with her sometimes, go to her gymnastics class every week, help her with homework and I drive her to school and pick her up on the days that are mine.  I have NEVER put my child in the middle of anything between her father and I and will continue to let her know that her dad and I are working together.  My ex and I still have our arguments, who doesn't?   But as an adult, you should sit back and think about what harm this could be doing to your child.  

You said "I tried to avoid the question..then he asked..Mom-could you pick me up every Friday? Would you do that for me Mom?"

Again, I don't think those were the exact words of your "preschool" son.  My daughter is in the 2nd grade and has asked me questions like this before but my answer to her was that her dad and I both want to see her and visit with her and that we have to share our time with each other.  I try to uplift her when its time to go to dads such as "oh you are going to have so much fun playing with your friends at daddy's house etc."  The one thing my daughter still asks every time is "How many more days until I go to daddy's?  Now that is from a 2nd grader.  
YOur reply when your son asks you questions such as these is that you and your dad want what is best for him and that you will call him or he can call you on the days you aren't together.  But DO NOT make him feel guilty for going to dads.

[nosonew]

My thoughts exactly!

[Hawkeye]

Let us pause, for some reflection....

lots on our plates tonight... the VP debates, our own struggles....

Hey, here's an idea... rent *Harvest of Fire*!  I worked that movie