Folks, I need advice and prayers (long)

[janM]

Some of you know that I came here over 3 years ago asking for advice for my son, whose ex-girlfriend had given him temporary custody of their then 2 year old son. It was to last for 6 months only, so I was advised that he should file for permanent before that was up. He did, and bm (her mom probably) got a lawyer to fight it. Hearing was continued and during that time he pursuaded her to make it permanent. She did and they agreed to no support at the time.

He and the boy lived with my husband and me since then, in an "apartment" in our basement. Mom rarely exercised her "agreed to" visitation and still has not paid child support that dad filed for in early 2003. She has been found in contempt and was ordered to a work program which referred her to a job that I'm not sure she is still at. She gets "sick" a lot and claims to be bipolar. She has had 2 surgeries this year.

My son has worked off and on and until last month was working with a guy for cash - "self employed". When he met bm when he was 17 he had already lost his license due to an accident at 16. He got it back at 21 and last summer lost it on a DUI and then a DUS. He is eligible to get it back now once he pays fines and takes a test.

This spring he started going out in the evenings and soon started staying overnight at a friend's house, leaving GS with us. Since he could not drive, I was already taking GS to daycare and back and would watch him while son worked over dinnertime. By mid-summer he was gone all the time, stopping in to shower and change clothes and leave.

I should mention that he has depression, for which he was prescribed Paxil. He claimed to be having difficulties with that but I now know that it is that, plus being so close to the local bar out there.

Once I was told what was going on, I accepted that we were GS's caretakers and that he was doing well with us. I had son and bm sign a Power of Attorney that the state of Ohio has for grandparents (his school needed it filed with the court). BM said she was glad we were taking care of him. I have coordinated visits with her (when she doesn't back out) and allow her frequent phone contact.

Son recently became angry with us for not loaning him the money to pay his court fines (he could have paid it long before now). I recently opened a letter to him (he told me long ago to open his mail to pay bills for him, including health insurance that I helped pay for) from a drugstore near him saying his prescription had expired and he should see his dr for a refill.

He and his "roommate" had planned on moving to another house and taking GS with him several months ago. It has been put on hold a couple times and his friend was having doubts about moving them in since son lost his "job" when he didn't show up for a few days. His friend was filling me in on son's "activities" and seemed sympathetic to our situation.

Well my son called today, irate, asking why I was going to talk to a lawyer (I had stupidly mentioned the possibility to his friend) and why I was taking his son away from him. I had, indeed, seen one yesterday but I played dumb. I said I wasn't doing anything yet (true). He said he was trying to get his $hit together and would have a place of his own by end of next week and would come for GS. He said he would get him to school. I asked how. He said drive. He has no license. He as much as admitted to going to the bar every night "cause you guys drive me crazy".

And about 3 times he said, "Don't f*ck with my son, or I WILL GO OFF".

I asked him what he meant. I'll go off. I said, you're gonna hurt me? and he hung up.

The attorney had given me 3 options:
1. Get an agreement from both parents (yeah right)
2. Ask the court to add me (us?) as a 3rd party to the case, file for custody, and for temp custody till hearing
3. Guardianship (court would have to change from juv. to probate)

I think number 2 is the best bet IF we could get temp. Of course it will cost more. I haven't even had time to discuss this with dh yet but he knows about the phone call today.

Atty asked how my relationship with bm is. I said good. I have always tried to keep the peace with her, even when I felt like choking her. He said maybe you could form an alliance with her.

He did say that they have a couple strikes against them:
Lack of support from both at present
and abandonment by son (he has seen him 2 or 3 times, briefly, this month)

What do you think about sounding out bm on this? She has told me before there is a drinking problem and did say she was glad GS is with us. Even if she made a bid for custody, to get out of CS, she would have to do some major changes herself.

I am so scared of son just showing up and taking him. It would be different if he had his act together. If the threat of having custody changed would make him "go off", that makes him very unstable.
GS has lived here most of his life and is doing beautifully. But, we have no rights to him. I am willing to do whatever I have to, to keep him safe and happy, even at the expense of my son's well-being. He had no reason to move out from here. We would have continued to help him, if he had only worked with us and not made the choices he has.

Sorry to ramble. I could use some input here.

[Peanutsdad]

Jan,


You and I have already spoken on this. You know my thoughts,, if neither parent is capable of caring for their child, do what has to be done immediately to protect his interests. Should that include filing a petition in court along with a TRO to prevent his removal,, do so.

[nosonew]

I can't imagine being in your position, and hope I never am.  I have no advice, sorry, except to say, you know in your heart what you need to do.  Hugs to you and your family.

[Bolivar]

You MUST do what is best for the child.

Both parents from your post are to immature (self centered) to take care of the child.

Obviously when it comes to bm and your relationship with her you would know best about her charter standing regarding he moral/honesty ethics.  I personally would watch my back.  Remember the saying:
 "you hurt/cheat me once shame on you."
 "you hurt/cheat me twice shame on me."

From your post it sounds like you have developed a good legal strategy (option 2) to do what is best for the child.

As for "I could use some input here."  There is a good chance your son is an alcoholic, and if he isn't then he's on the right road to become one.  Alcoholism is a progressive problem and he will continue to get worse as time goes on.

Your post sounds calm.  However, I am sure there is much internal pain.  I too have experience my share of hurt/anguish/suffering.  you are not alone, I have learned that is part of being a human being.  Helping others has been very therapeutic in helping me deal with my own personal anguish.


Some humor to lighten your day.  An oldie but a goody!!!  My personal favorite. :-)

Things I've Learned From My Children...

For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
READ to the end!! The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin , Texas :

Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3 year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Playdough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on--plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin , TX , has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid...

[Peanutsdad]

26. The other 40% already have,,, as children.

[janM]

That's cute, I've seen it before.

Well after dinner tonight, son calls and says, Hey Mom, can you bring GS over to gf's house? I say how come? He says, um I want to have him overnight. I said just tonight, right? He says yeah. Bring his bike and some toys and clothes. Just like nothing had happened the day before.

I swear he is more Jekyll and Hyde than bm ever was.

But I figured, for GS's sake, I'd take the chance and take him since dad had settled down. And hope he actually spends time with him. GS asked me if Dad would bring him home or if I'd pick him up. I said I don't know.

I dropped GS off and gave dad a piece of mail. He didn't say a word. They went to an adjacent church parking lot and GS was riding around as I left.

So I hope he's had a bit of a wake-up call. I am gonna play this by ear and be VERY cautious for now. We'll see if he actually gets a place soon.
If I knew he wouldn't fly off the handle again I'd explain why the idea of going for custody crossed my mind, and that I want to be very sure that he's getting it together and is capable of parenting. That or let the judge decide if he was.

Thanks for the replies. I'll let you know how it goes.