Document or write a letter?

[dipper]

My husband has joint legal custody of his son, with the mother being primary physical custodian.  He was seeing his son 50% of the time until she moved this past summer.  He did go to court, but as he didnt have a lawyer and she did - things did not go well.  Also, he was under the impression that she was supposed to keep him informed of things -and of course she hadnt and that went against him. Since that time we have gotten married and I have been helping him find out exactly what his rights are.

The child just turned 13.  No matter what my husband requests, his ex is going to change it in some way.  She simply tells him when he can see his child - everything has to be on 'her' terms.  The custody order speaks of mutual consent - but my husband has no input at all.  The most recent - she signed up the child for basketball tryouts that would cut into my husband's time without ever talking it over with him.  My husband pointed this out and stated advantages and disadvantages without saying what he would have chosen.  Her reply - that this the son's life and that my husband should not be putting him down.   This was the son's choice.  However, the son chooses to live here and she pays no mind to that at all.

Okay - that is just 1/100th of the mess that is constant.  Everything she recently wrote was misleading to downright lies again.....should this be pointed out or just leave it alone until court - which they go back in January because the custody order is temporary at this time.  

My husband has been to the school and notified in writing.  He is also in contact by email with teachers.  He has contacted the doctor.  He really is trying so hard to be informed without relying on her for anything.  Yet, what he does have to deal with her about is a constant struggle of her control.  

Help!

[Bolivar]

I am unable to find the question to your post.

Since you said "Help" at the bottom I know there is a question in there some where.


****

As for the venting part of this post – "let it go girl!!!!"  it's a good stress release.


On a GOOD week 9 to 1 is my ration. – 9 reasonable/helpful posts to 1 vent/flair.
On a BAD week 1 to 9 is my ration. – 1 reasonable/helpful posts to 9 vent/flair.

[backwardsbike]

The question appears to be whether to document that Mom signed the kid up for B-ball without dad's consent or even knowledge or to write the ex a letter stating that she has violated th cour order.

This seems similar to my situation.  By now, after six years of dealing with this kind of situation I have learned that the PBFH already knows the order has been iviolated.  I would document and then if the tryouts or practice occur on your time I would let the coach know that it is your custody time and that you have made other plans as your were unaware that the child had been signed up.   Good Luck

[dipper]

backwardslady was on the right track.  We have several problems with my husband's latest letter from his ex.

First, she says that the 13 year old has the authority to choose to play basketball regardless of whether it lands on visitation or not.  She did not inform hubby of this ahead of time - just told him this is it!  Claims this was all son's choice but wont let him choose where he wants to live - which is with his dad.

Then...she 'adjusts' every request for visitation.  NO matter what, she has to adjust it so that she is in total control  Court order states 'mutual consent.'



Then...she says son needs to be home by 6pm on Sundays to get ready for school the next day - he hardly ever gets home before 9:30 during the week when with her.



Then - she says hubby cannot call his son after 9:30pm because son is gettin ready for bed even though he is not there most nights before then, yet wont give him a number to call the sitter's house either.  Effectively, she is cutting all communication with his son.  



And...husband wanted to pick son up from school one day.  she states that he is to pick child up from her home!  (this child used to get off the bus at hubby's home  on Thursday and didnt see his mother until Sunday).


She took the kid for a physical - claimed it was due to counselors request.  The counselor did request a work-up, but she only had a physical done for basketball try-outs.  The doctor did not even know about counseling until he received my husband's letter - then called here, then the counselor, then the bm.........



Question - should my husband even respond as no matter what facts are stated, she does her own thing anyway?    Would it be better to write back to show an effort of trying to work things out?  Or....would writing back be considered petty bickering back and forth?



Also, they have joint legal custody - her primary physical.  When they lived here, my husband had the child over 50% of the time, but didnt keep up with dates.  He had him his time, plus snow days, plus when she went out of town with boyfriends.  My hubby had no lawyer in court in June.  Now, the order is temp.  and to be finalized in January.  Is there any chance of the judge reversing the order during the middle of the school year?




Hope this was more clear, though twice as long.....Thank you

[Bolivar]

Now the light bulb is illuminating above my head. :-)

Here is a loooooooooooooooog post.  A lot of it is copy/paste of posts I liked and to help me in my custody case.  If you are really serious, you MUST read this whole post.  Yes I know not all the info pertains to your sisuation.  Remember, every case is different so we must read a bunch of stuff which does NOT pertain to our case.  Sorry, but this is the only way to learn about your personal case. (that I know of)

Yes, I too am involved in a custody case, so I understand your frustration.  To change custody there must be "a change in circumstances" with the CP or child(ren).  The NCP is nothing but a wallet.  Ok........ enough of my venting and back to your problem.

[font size=+1]What does the visitation schedule spell out now?

You are documenting everything, right?  Be empirical with documentation showing the Good and Bad, Positive and negative.  A number of people said a written journal is better than a computer generated journal.  I keep BOTH just to make sure.

This site has a custody calendar which if filled out and presented in court will help your case tremendously.

Have you read all the FAQ info on this site?

Another site to visit and read FAQ info and post is the board Custody Reform.
"Dedicated to all NCP striving to remain as parents to their children!!!"
http://www.custodyreform.com/

AND

Some more FAQ info is the Divorce Institute   by Lawmoe
http://www.divorceinstitute.com/


also I have been using a Custody Coach.
He is helping me develop a stragity and is teaching me what the courts feel is important in my case.  I live in OHIO and do telephone conferences meeting/call.  What the heck, give him a call,,,, what do ya have to loose?

Steven Carlson
ChildCustodyCoach.com
Orange County, CA
(714) 379-0850
//www.childcustodycoach.com
[email protected]

***********

copy/paste
Subject: CUSTODY TRAPS
Author: Sherri
Date:   03-01-04

1. When a legal action is initiated which involves a child, if a parent is not residing in the same home as the child, he or she will presumptively be considered the non-custodial parent. The only way to avoid this trap is to not leave the home, or allow your child to be taken out of it.

2. If an injunction is issued to "temporarily" keep the child under the care of one parent, the excluded parent will presumptively be considered non-custodial. Any pre-trial orders which impede your ability to parent your child can be immediately appealed. If you wait for trial, you waive your right to later raise these issues.

3. Pre-trial if a parent consents to pay child support, the judge and both attorneys will take this as a signal that he or she agrees to be the non-custodial parent.

4. Any consent order a parent agrees to (even during a contested hearing) cannot be appealed. You do not have to "consent" to anything, even if your attorney says otherwise. Remember, attorneys are officers of the court, and quite possibly friends with the judge and opposing attorney. They are required to zealously represent you, and to uphold the constitution. Expect neither.

5. Normally an investigation of the parents will be done. This can be anything from a college volunteer working for CASA, an attorney called a Guardian Ad Litem, a private investigator, up to a pediatric psychologist. Their job is to invade the privacy of your relationship with your child, and transfer as much wealth as possible to themselves. Also you will either be encouraged or mandated to attend counseling, to achieve the same goals. Using constitutional law you can object to an invasion of your privacy and your child's. If you fail to object, you waive your rights.

6. At trial your attorney should have a pre-trial brief prepared which carefully identifies the applicable laws and how your case applies to those laws (including constitutional law). Few attorneys will do this. Most will present your case with no reference to any laws whatsoever, and simply allow the judge to rule as he or she wishes.

7. Also at trial both parents are considered to be voluntarily submitting the question of child custody to the court. Your attorney can assert that you do not want custody of your child decided by the state. If you don't do this, it will be considered waived for appeal purposes, as will any applicable state and constitutional laws not raised by your attorney in his or her oral arguments.

8. If you ask that the law be followed in your case, expect intimidation tactics such as your attorney threatening to resign, or being told visitation with your child will be reduced. If any of this happens, request a brochure or other method whereby you can file a complaint with your state board of responsibility.

9. If you receive an unfavorable decision at trial, your attorney can file a motion to reconsider, or a notice of appeal. If you are appealing there are strict time limits on this, which if not followed will cause your case to be thrown out. Items you consented to at trial, will not be appeallable.

10. Appeals are usually taken to a state appellate court, then if needed an application is filed to your state supreme court. The state supreme court has discretion whether to take your case or not, and they probably won't take it. If your state supreme court does not give you a favorable ruling, you can appeal properly preserved constitutional questions to the United State Supreme Court, which virtually never takes a family law case. Wherever your case stops, all orders will be considered final.

*********************


Author: Lawmoe
You can find this at his Web Site -Divorce Institute    
http://www.divorceinstitute.com/


Visitation time and custody issues are determined based on a best interests of the child standard. Bests interests are determined by a Court by applying various factors spelled out in your state's statutes. Those factors are not exclusive and the Court must consider the totality of all circumstances.

One of those factors is the wishes of the minor child, assuming the child is old enough to express his/her desires. The child's wishes are generally not dispositive on the issue and are weighed as only one factor out of many. As the child matures, their opinions will carry greater weight. For example, in the State of Tennessee, the statutes allow the Court to consider the reasonable preference of any child age twelve (12) or older. The court, at its discretion, may also hear the preference of a younger child upon request by a party. However, the preferences of older children are given greater weight than those of younger children. Most states have similar laws, some more vague than others. Minnesota allows the Court to consider the preference of a child if the Court deems the child to be of suitable age and maturity.

There are some states that do give greater weight to a child's desires, although such state statutes are an exception to the rule. In the State of Georgia, state statutes provide – "In all cases in which the child has reached the age of 14 years, the child shall have the right to select the parent with whom he or she desires to live. The child's selection shall be controlling, unless the parent so selected is determined not to be a fit and proper person to have the custody of the child."

Remember, so long was there is an existing Court order requiring parenting time and telephone calls to occur, they must occur. An Order may only be modified by filing a Motion and acquiring an Order with a different ruling. that is how you must proceed

>>== and ==<<

It is a substantial change in circumstance that warrants a potential modification of the parenting schedule. It may also open the door for a Motion to change custody. However, given the distance that already exists, the argument that it is in the best interests of the child to be with the father is much less effective.

Make sure that you have all your ducks in a row before you move. Know where you will live. Know where the children will attend school and how good that school may be. Know about the neighborhood you will live in and the activities available to the children.

>>== and ==<<

Unfortunately, most states have a presumption for maintaining the curent custodial arrangement. That means you have the buirden of proving that a different arrangement is in the best interests of the child. In so doing, you must demonsttrate that their has abeen a substantial change since the last order. You cannot use anything predating the last order, since those issues must have been raised at that time.
You do not provide any specifics to support your case to seek custody. The other parent's debt has little to nothing to do with whether the child recieves proper care. Moreover, the timing of your Motion, in response to the other parties motion, will undoubtedly cast doubt on the allegations that you make at this time.
In short, you will have to have a significant amount of evidence, much more than you include here, to have any chance in such a motion


****************

Author: Shy
Date:   10-05-04


If you want to go with an actual modification, here's a couple of things that you'll need to know:

1.) In order for a modification to actually take place, there has to be a change in circumstance OF THE CHILDREN that warrant a modification. Not changes in your circumstances, or in mom's circumstances, but the children's. Do you have that? (Example: With the children switching schools... is it affecting their grades, etc?)

2.) You are going to need a detailed parenting plan outlining specific times, dates, etc. and that covers any and all aspects that you think your ex might try to throw your way. This includes the transportation issue that she wants to balk on.

3.) If you don't want to hire an attorney, you're going to have to do a crash course in Illinois law. You'll need to read and memorize your local Rules of Civil Procedure. Know it like the back of your hand. You'll need to read and memorize the Illinois statutes dealing with custody, visitation, and child support. You'll need to know case law as it pertains to your case. The good and the bad. You can't just know things that support your position, you also have to know those that will go against what you want in case opposing counsel brings it up. You can't argue against something that you don't have a clue what it is. An attorney bringing up a case that supports their position and basically shoots yours down could kill you in a court room. If you don't know how to argue against their position.... you'll lose. You have to be knowledgable.

[smtotwo]

I am AMAZED at how many of the exs have charateristics of borderline personality disorder.

Go to //www.bpdcentral.com

Make sure to be realistic in your assesment of the ex and see how many of the signs she has.

DH's ex has 8 of the 9. The only one we arent sure about is suicidal thoughts or tendencies.

[dipper]

Yesterday, someone told me that a few months ago my husband's ex had gotten rather drunk.  Now, we were engaged at the time.  This is before she moved ss 2 hours away.  According to this person, while she was drunk, she revealed that she still loves my husband.  

She was the one who cheated.  But, I dont know.  Maybe she wanted that and him.  It appears that maybe she did not believe he would ever let go...and he did.  He made a clean break from her when he left.  (Other than the child of course).  People have said that some use children to have contact.  I guess its a like a child, negative attention is better than no attention at all.....Plus, in my opinion, she has to prove to herself that she is better than he is and that he is the loser - so it doesnt hurt so much that he left her and never looked back.

Anyway, that is my opinion....