Advice for a daddy and his little girl

[azwriter]

First time posting here, even though I've read practically everything on the site.

I need some advice on a situation that I think is coming up quickly.  I have read a lot on this board but nothing that pertains specifically to my situation.

Let me start by saying I am married, with one biological daughter (3) and one step daughter (9).  The step daughter is from a relationship my wife had before she met me.  There is no father on the birth certificate, but we know who it is.  I have requested in the past to file papers to become the SD's legal father, but my wife has declined, stating that she would be uncomfortable doing it behind the BF's back.  So, anyway, it has not happened.

I suspect that my wife is going to leave me and/or file for divorce soon because of issues we have in our marriage.  No violence or anything but there is a lack of trust and physical intimacy that we have not been able to solve.  If I know her, she will try to take both girls with her, probably to her mother's or sister's who live near by.  She will also almost certainly want full custody.

I clearly can't fight for custody of the SD (correct me if I'm wrong) but I would be devestated to be separated from the youngest little girl.  She means the world to me and she is the inspiration for my very existance.  

Here's the thing - I want full custody of the BD, or at the very least 50% physical custody.  I actually think I am a much better parent and that she would be best off with me for the long term.  There are several reasons, such as my wife's erratic behavior, her inability to provide safe child care, and her inability to manage a household and finances on her own.  

I'm trying my hardest not to be selfish, and trying to only think of my daughter.  I don't want to split her up from my SD if it would be damaging to her - I just feel in my heart that I am the better father, and want to stay with my daughter.  I have asked my wife to attend counseling with me to improve our marriage but she has refused.  I would never leave her but I feel that she might leave me.

Has anyone experienced this type of situation?  Most of the things on this board are about fathers who are already divorced and such, but I need some advice from the front end.  I do not care about physical possessions or money, I only care about providing a safe and loving home for my daughter.

[joni]

Here are some thoughts based on the facts in your post:

1) You can't adopt your SD without informing her biological father, if he's known.  Otherwise, if he finds out, he could challenge it.  

2) It sounds as though your wife has problems with confrontation.  a) she won't inform the BF about issues. b) lack of trust and physical intimacy in your own relationship with her.  Why not try counseling rather than be resolved to throwing in the towel on the marriage?  If you want to keep your children in tact, try to work on saving your marriage and adopting your SD.

3) It would be very difficult for you to gain sole custody.  a) the courts are gender biased and favor mothers b) if your Ex won't agree to it 3) you'd have to prove with hard evidence AND hit a home run about her issues to get her discredited....hard to do 4) courts don't like to split up siblings.

4) Your best bet is to go for 50/50 legal and physical.  It would also be in your favor to file first.

[T0052SC]

I agree it is best to try to make the marriage work but if you feel she may file for a divorce you need to do it first.  If you don't she will already have it planned to remove the children from you and it could be a very long time before you get to spend time with them again.  There is a link in this web site called The List that prepares you for all the things that you need to do before filing for a divorce or what she and her attorney may do if they file first.  I had it put to me best so far as a chest game every move counts.

As for your intimacy problems I don't meen to pry but if there is a possibility that she may be unfaithful you need a PI now to prove it, once seperated the court really wont care that much about her other relaitions and trying to prove adualtry.  I went through a similar problem in my marriage where she claimed intimacy problems when infact the problem was only being intimate with me not the other men in the town.

I also don't know the details of the personality problems your wife has but it is in your and your daughters best interest to document it as hard as you can, even involving police if it is that dramatic.

It is very difficult for a father trust me and a lot of the others on this site so you want to have your ducks in a row before she can get hers in a row.