full custody of 14 year old daughter

[bjwdad]

I'm a father and have been divorced in the last year. We have 50/50 joint legal and 50/50 joint phisical custody that is a every other week arrangement. My daughter is 14 and son is 10. The arrangement is working fine with my son. My daughter wishes to live in one home, mine. I have the home they were rasied in. We are both good parents but my schedule is much more flexable and I end up doing most stuff for my children. She works all the time. My daughter has already been taken to counceling by her mother to try and change her mind and that did nothing. My daughter is fine as long as she just does not stay overnight with mom on weekdays. She lovers her mom but just wants to go there every other weekend and some week days as long as she does not have to stay.   My ex's attorney has told her to force her. That did nothing but caused fighting between them. I begged her to back off and when that happens the relationship is fine.

My daughter has many reasons.
-This is HOME!
-My room and all my stuff is here.
-I don't want to pack every Friday for a whole week. She is a teen that  is starting to get into many personal things that can not be in both places all the time.
-My 4H animal projects are at home and that is the only place they can be. She cares for many animals we have on a small farm.
-My friends live down the street.
-I want to ride the same bus.


I don't want this to be about taking her away from mom, she can see her anytime she wants. She just wants to live 100% at home with dad.

What are my chances in court?

[joni]

She's old enough to be heard by the court...and her mother.  But if it's not what mom wants to hear...what to do?

It's hard for any parent to have to let go of their child, especially a child they see 50% of the time.  So as a stepparent who only sees my bonus daughter 4 days a month, I sympathize with the BM.

There's a member on this board, Kitty C and she's got a mantra.  When the children are old enough, let them 'vote with their feet.'  It's my understanding that many of the judges listen to this.  Once a child is old enough to get around on their own either via car or school bus, it's hard to force a child to be where they don't want to.  Especially if they can 'vote with their feet' and get to the destination they want to be in.

Your daughter is able to take the bus to whereever she wants to go, mostly her dad's home.  That might be enough to keep her there whenever she wants.  Mom would have a hard time fighting it.

I would encourage though for you to support the other parent and their right to see the child.  It may not be right for you to totally side with you daughter on this to the point of alienating her from her mother.  That's not good fostering of the relationship.

You may want to sit down with your daughter and encourage her to come up with some sort of modified visitation for her mom that your daughter can commit to.  She's a young adult and she should learn the lessons of commiting to things in life that you might not always want to do.  Mom might chill out if the child stays to the schedule rather than run away from mom altogether.

[bjwdad]

Thanks for the response. I fully agree with you!! I actually still care for her mom and always will. I have a son too that will continue to go back and forth so this is not about taking the child away. I think age is the driving factor here. I see it more as a way to help my daughter live a more consistant life as she gets older. She will have a single place to call home and get her mail and have her friends over. She can keep her 4H animal projects with me and care for them which is what she needs to do if she wants them. She will NEVER be stopped from visiting her mom more often. Right now, my daughter has actually been following this schedule and she still sees mom a few days a week, just does not sleep there.  

I hate to say it but we just need to get it in writing for it to be affordable. I told the lawyer I don't want to make it about money but the bottom line is I do all the work and supply everything. I taxi her around everywhere, I support all her projects and after school activities, I buy the clothes. I can not pay the ordered child support if this is what it's going to be. If it were not for me having to pay the support I probably would not go back to court and just let her stay where she wants like no without a written order.

I'm hoping your right about the judges, has anyone else had any experiance with this???  I'm woried that the judge will just engnore what the child wants. We are starting out even with the two parents, we are both good. I only have a few more points because I have the home they were raised in and my schedule is flexable enough to be the taxi cab. My ex works all day and can't get the kids to many after school activities.


In all honesty, I think that mom letting go is helping their relationship. Each time mom tries forcing her to stay, they fight. When she backs off and just askes her to spend time and brings her back they get a long great. Mom made many mistakes with the family and her daughter and she still has not learned.


Thanks
BJW