Father seeks custody of 3

[MarkNY]

My wife was a good mother for 8 years, then she suddenly changed.  She started having affairs, getting involved with cybersex, going out 5 nights a week, and generally ignoring the kids and her household duties.  She never worked, she is a stay-at-home mom.

I would like to have residential custody of my 3 children (in NY) but being a working dad having to fight for custody against a stay-at-home mom, I feel doomed.

i have logged all the hours my wife spends out of the house.  The kids are in school during the day, and then when I return from work, my wife promptly goes out.  Laundry is not done, asthema treatments are missed, the house is a general mess.  I have video taped that her car is not in the driveway each night that she is out for the last three months.  She also has written me notes in the past saying she needs a break from the kids and cant handle them full time.

So now I am not only working 40 hours a week, but also doing over 50% of the housework and watching my kids most evenings.  I figure I put in 4 or so hours of parenting (till the kids go to bed) five nights a week while my wife is out drinking with friends or looking to pick up guys.

Other than my documenting her time away, and video taping, and hiring a private investigator, what else can I do?  We live in the country and no one would belive that she is out so much.  My wife suffers from depression or something and is obsessed with Internet chat with men and going out at night.

Any helpfull comments?

Thanks,
Mark

[joni]

I would consider putting spyware on her computer to record her emails and instant messages and chat rooms.  You'd be able to print out the transcripts.

I think you have good evidence.  You need a good atty.  You need to file first for full custody and get her removed from the house.  You need to squat and have possession of the children.  

I recommend getting an atty who's certified in family law.  You can find one at this web site.  You will only have one chance at this and it has to be a slam dunk.

//www.aaml.org/directory.htm

[MarkNY]

I read something on the web that putitng spyware on a persons computer is in violation of their privacy in accordance with the existing wiretap laws.  This ruling was on March 9, 2005 (If I remember correctly).

Yes I have 100's of pages printed out of her typing about drugs, pornography, and cybersex.  I feel I cant use it.

The woman who used SPECTOR to catch her hsuband was FINED for invasion of privacy by the judge.

[hisliltulip]

Private investigator is key.

You need that third party verification of your accusations.

My DH was awarded custody of his son, and he works, she didn't at the time, and now works minimally.

Hang in there.

[CustodyIQ]

I think you're in an excellent position to get custody of these three kids.

Andrea Yates was a stay at home mother too.  Such a role doesn't guarantee mother-of-the-year.

Outline everything that you just outlined in a single page summary.  Make reference to evidence available, in that summary.  Provide a couple copies of the juciest emails/chat sessions.

Then take that to an attorney.  Interview a couple attorneys, at least, before deciding on one.

Don't be afraid of telling an attorney that you "spied" on how she was using the computer, or letting the attorney keep those couple of examples.  It's privileged communication, and the attorney cannot testify against you (i.e., even in a consultation without retaining).

Then, you let the attorney decide to introduce the information as evidence or not.  You don't need to shoulder that burden.  The attorney will decide if it was arguably legal what you did, and the attorney won't put you in a position that it'll bite you.

You want this to be a stealth operation so that when you file for divorce, along with the supporting information, you get to kick her out of the house while you get custody.

See if your employer would consider this a family emergency, so you can take leave for a few weeks to take care of the kids while you arrange long-term childcare.

Given everything that you've documented, you're in a better position than 99% of parents entering into divorce.

It's quite possible that her future attorney will strongly encourage her to settle with you, because if all that you say is true, she'd get thrashed in court.

Stay focused on your kids, sorry for what you're going through, but you're doing everything right so far.

[NeverGiveUp]

Mark,

I don't care what anyone tells you.  You're standing in a great big hole!  Not one person will give a sh*t if your wife is doing everyone in ny (all at the same time).  Unless she's doing it in front of the kids it will not matter.

Here's how it will play out.  You'll file for divorce and make these claims.  Your wife will deny them.  Things may get iffy for her.  She'll take out a TRO and claim she's afraid of you.  You'll be escorted from your home by the local police and you will not win.  I don't care if you were in Alaska when she claims you yelled at her.  The judge won't hear about it because the judge will never give you the chance to say it.

Your option?  Do it first.  Call a local security company and get hidden cameras installed in your house.  Not in bedrooms or bathroom.  Don't tell your wife they are there.  It will cost you about 2K, or 2 months of child support payments (in case that's sounding like too much money).  Then file for divorce.  When she flips out make sure it happens in front of the camera.  Let her go.  Take the hits, the scratches, the fying objects.  Just sit right on the floor like a big baby and cover your head.  When she's done.  Call the police.  File a report and then take out a TRO and have her removed. Even then you may loose.

Or, write me back in 6 months and tell me I'm wrong.

PS
See my note on ny'ers.