can they force me to take custody of child??

[martyj]

Hello, I have another posting explaining the whole situation under fathers issues but thought I'd get one here to . Long story short my adopted son lived with me for 18 months while my ex and I were going thorugh the divorce, before it was finalized he went for a visit(we had moved from MN to Wa by then, with full permission) to his grandparent then his mom..after two days there he decides to live there from now on and does some snaky things to get his way on it. Anyway I actually thought it would be good for him since he had had so little contact with his mom while he lived with me(her choice not his) I thought maybe they would work through their issues..they aren't..but anyway with out consulting me(or it turns out the kid either) My ex goes into court and tells the judge that we had discussed it and we were in agreement that the bot would move back in with me right away. She starts calling me before I even knew anything about all this and demanding a plane ticket for him, I finally after about a week because he had been allowed to stay at friends until then, talk to my son..he doesn't want to move out here again, in fact says he may run away if we try to make him, he knew nothing of his mom's intention to throw him out, he thought all was well there. I don't know what her motivation is here but the poor kid was already abondoned by her once and had issues because of it. Now he isn't willing and frankly I don't feel its in his best interests to move here again, he will just make us all miserable if he doesn't want to be here. His mom also claim he has become violent in fights with her and that presents a problem with him moving here without some counseling first, I live with my fiance and her young daughter, in fact she would be the one dealing with him the most beacuse of our works scheduales...
So what do I do now, my attny I had to fire after this ordeal, he didn't even call and tell me what he had agreed to on my behalf without consulting me about any of this. What kind of legal trouble can I get in if I don't move him now? The court papers are incredibly vague no time line is given, many issues were not addressed, in my opinion very poorly written.
But again what now. He is a big almost 16 year old kid, if he doens't want to get on a plane I don't see anyway of forcing him without violence.
Any thoughts or swdvice would be appreicated..at my wits end

Martyj

[boilergal]

Who has custody on paper right now? You or your X? If you still have custody on paper, then you are going to be potentially liable/responsible for things that he does. Sounds like he needs help no matter what.

If your X has legal custody, then I doubt that she can just get it changed to you with out you signing an agreement. Check with the Clerk of the Courts in the area where she lives and find out if she has really proceeded with a legal filing.

I'm not intending to be mean, but it sounds like you are abandoning him in a way as well. He needs help and someone needs to see that he gets it. You are his father, and it's up to you to help him if his mom isn't.

[martyj]

Thank you for your reply, I do understand where you are coming from .Until Oct 23 rd there was no custody agreement and he had changed his mind on where is wanted to live twice. Now he is not willing to move here again, and his mother is not willing to get him the help he needs and I have no way to force her to. The custody that was orderd Oct 23 without my knowledge or consent gives us both joint legal and joint physical custody of the kids but states that he is to live with me during the school year but doesn't specify which school year or give a time frame for him being moved out here, doesn't say who will pay for him to get out. I do want to help this kid but again he is a big kid and I cannot force him to come here and stay here if he is against it. He will, I am afraid run away he wants to be there and the biggest problem in my eyes is why did she do this ? What is behind her trying to do this? Now she has stated that she will keep him but should I try to get written statement or file an custody change order?

[boilergal]

Do you have a copy of a court order that requires you to have custody during school but you were not a participant in getting this order?  What was the previous order?

I'm still not understanding how there is a court order for you to have custody but you were not made aware that it was happening.  Something does not sound right.

[martyj]

Thank you for your reply.  I do have a copy of the order, and it is very vaguely worded with no dates or time lines as to how and when this change of custody is to take place. Nothing on who pays for him to get out here or anything specific.  I find it very confusing how they could do this in this manner and without my participation. Prior to this there was no order in place at all. We had sent different versions back and forth but there was nothing signed off on by the court. I should mention that this judge seems to really dislike me and does have a bias against me, I asked my attorney several times if we should or could request a change of judge and he told me it was not possible...

I really don't know where to go from here. If he really was willling to come out here it would be a different story we would find a way to make it work, but he doesn't and I don't feel that it would be in his best interest to force him. I also wish there was a way to force his mother to get him the counseling he needs.

[boilergal]

Sounds like you really can't do anything. If she doesn't get him to you, then maybe you don't have anything to worry about, but it still seems fishy to me.

What state is the order in and what state are you in?

[DistressedMommy]

As far as I know you cannot be forced to take custody. The child is 16, I live in Canada, so I don't know if the system works the same, but where I am from once you are 14 you have a choice who you want to live with. If he chose to stay with his mother, they cannot force you to take custody. If he, however, chose you, they can try to convince you, but I don't think they can FORCE you.

[janM]

The child is 16, I live in Canada, so I don't know if the system works the same, but where I am from once you are 14 you have a choice who you want to live with.

That's very interesting, but it doesn't help him. In the states, a child can choose who to live with at 18. Before that, depending on what state you're in, a judge MAY take into consideration the child's wishes, but the child does NOT DECIDE. A minor cannot know what is best for him/her, the adults in his/her life, including the judge, make that decision.

[gemini3]

If your custody order says you have him during the school year - that means all school years, unless otherwise noted.  So if it's the school year, and you don't have him, then you're technically violating the order.

Have you considered the option of a therapeutic group home for him?  It sounds like he's having some serious issues, and after reading your posts I can see why.  To start with, he was adopted, which can bring up a lot of abandonment issues.  Add to that the fact that he's being bounced back and forth between you and your ex, with it sounding like neither one of you really want him there, and it's a recipe for some serious problems for your son.

Not to sound harsh, but, regardless of who has custody, you took responsibility for parenting him when you adopted him.  You should uphold your end of the deal and help him.