Long-How to deal with BM and upset child

[teacher98]

Fiance has a 9 year old son.  BM has sole physical, joint legal.  Original order is only an Order of Filiation from when they were 17 (m) and 19 (d). It states that dad has EOSunday supervised until he learns parenting skills. Both parties can agree to extend parenting time.  Since 2004 they have agreed to EOWkend with EOWeek in the summer. Alternate holidays.
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p> </o:p>
BM has always said that if we moved closer Dad could have more time during the school week.  Well this summer, she and her husband bought a house and we purchased a home 9 minutes away.  Our house is in a MUCH better school district but closer to the school in her district that she enrolled him in.  STBSS was so excited that both houses would be so close (used to be 35-40 minute drive) He talked all summer of going EOWeek forever.  Mom started "freaking" and took the last 2 weeks of summer with dad away from son and said that son needed to enter counseling or they needed to have the 3 of them sit down for a talk because things are just too different in both of the homes.
<o:p> </o:p>
Here is the issue...BM has been giving STBSS decision making power with little things like extra nights or weekends with dad since he was 4. (dad does not agree, but she always asks SS after dad asks her if it would be possible) Since our move she has extended this decision making power to the following:
<o:p> </o:p>
1.    SS may choose what school district he attends next year.
2.    SS may decide if he wants to go EOWeek year round
3.    SS can choose his Halloween costume.
4.    SS may decide what district he wants to play baseball in.
<o:p> </o:p>
Results of the above:
<o:p> </o:p>
1.    Not an issue yet because the year is not over, however, why would he choose to leave friends at age 9?  Parents should place him in the best available district.
2.    SS told BM in the sit down (she said counseling was too much money. We think she didn't want a non-bias adult telling her her son was fine with dad) that he wanted to go EOWeek. She said ok. One week later called fiancé to say that she was not ready to go there and that maybe he could have extended weekends. SS asked mom on his own accord if he still do it and she told him no because he needs to spend more time with his new baby sibling.  SS has asked dad several times since August if he would talk to mom again. Fiance wrote a formal letter stating SS wishes and how they could make it work. Included a calendar and still gave her about 10 days more for the year. She called next day screaming about "brainwashing their son" and said he only asks that to make dad happy and that she would consider it when he was 13 or 14 and not to bring it up to son again.  She also said that the schedule was not changing and did not allow extended weekends.
3.    SS wanted to be a ______ and asked me to help him make a costume.  He also asked me last year because I happen to be very Marth Stewartish and BM is very far from it to no fault of her own. We put together a very cool costume with just a few missing pieces that we asked mom to get.  When he came to us after trick-or treating, he had on a totally new costume or should I say black sweatsuit.  When dad asked why he didn't be the other thing he started crying and said "mom said since it was HER Halloween she wanted to pick out the costume this year."
4.    This Friday, fiancé asked for the birth certificate to sign SS up for baseball in our town.  Fields are 5 minutes from her house. She said she just got info for her town and then said to SS in front of dad, "I guess you will just have to decide where you want to play then, Buddy.  If you play in _____you will be with you friends."   When they got into the car, fiancé said, I don't care where you play, but if you choose to play in our town then we have to sign up tomorrow, so it has to be a quick decision.  SS said he didn't have to think about it. He already knows he wants to play in our town because the sports are better and he wants to make friends in this neighborhood.  Fiance took him to sign up next day. Paid $100 and needless to say, BM called today saying their son would not be playing in our town and would play his sports in his own school district.
<o:p> </o:p>
She has set a pattern that if she gives son a choice and he chooses her then his feelings are valid and truthful. If he chooses something with Dad, then he either can't do it, or she thinks he was just trying to please Dad and he still can't do it.
<o:p> </o:p>
We, however, are left to pick up the pieces when he is in tears or very confused during our weekends.  Fiance doesn't care where he plays or what he chooses. He is just sick of it being son's choice and then he is not validated by mom.  He will not address this with mom because when he has tried previously he gets screamed at or is threatened to only see son on the original EOSunday supervised schedule.  Anyone deal with this?  Any advice?  We are at a loss.  Thanks.
<o:p> </o:p>

[ocean]

Has the schedule changed with the courts? It needs to be changed through them. Wherever he is at school now will probably be where the court keeps him. If you can prove that child has been with you more time, then you can get it down on paper so you dont have to ask permission from her. You can request child be put in counseling to deal with these issues and then she must take him. The counselor may be able to help talking to BM. If this goes to court you can ask for a Law Guadian for the child and they will talk to the child without mom and ask what is going on and what they want...

I would caution that you could come out with the standard visitation every other weekend, one night during week but it would be in writing at least.

T-ball- I am with mom on this issue..Child goes to school there, he should play there since that is where his classmates go. You need to pick your battles, you are very close so let him play with kids from his class. He can have those friends come over since you are close.

Halloween costume-That is BM controlling the power. Again, pick your battles...not your year, tell son he is with mom but if mom says it is okay you can make a costume.

Have  you brought child to and from school already ever? Document everything, tape phone calls if you are allowed, do e-mail so you have proof of discussions. Make your business like ...she may be keeps taps on you too.

Good luck

[janM]

If the parents can't agree on major things like his school, they need to let the judge decide so that the CHILD doesn't have to.

Dad could file for EOWeek since he is so close now. There needs to be a GAL on the case.

[teacher98]

Thanks ocean and jan for your replies.  Fiance does pick and choose his battles, in fact he rarely battles because BM just screams at him and it is basically her way or no way at all.  Halloween costumes and sports are not an issue.  It just becomes an issue when she gives SS the choice in those things and then takes it away once he has chosen.  She gave dad permission to sign him up for little league if SS chose our town, but once he did and she realized that her son did not chose "her" so to speak, she has now made the decision of making him switch.  SS is so confused when he comes to us and we are always careful not to insult BM, but he is starting to notice her games and he even commented to my fiance that "you are the better parent because you teach me to be reposnible and to take care of myself and do good in school.  Mom just gives me everything I want so I will like her better." Shocking from an almost 9 year old.   

As for filing for joint physical/EOWeek, fiance has had mixed advice from state research and these message boards.  Some caution that what he has now will just become permanent if he files and to wait until BM agrees to it.  Well, she was very willing to work with dad until we moved so close. No we feel she sees this as a threat to her and she has tightened the control. (down to Halloween costumes and sports venues) Although she portrays it to be giving their son the say.  Other advice has been to file now and begin the proceedings.  He has documented every major and minor detail since 2004.  He has a medical records request in the works.  Concerns of obesity and nutrition since SS was 4. He has been VERY diligent in remaining in contact with teachers and schooling.  He often knows more about son's homework than BM does.  He has taken son to school about 4 times last year when we lived far away, but since moving closer BM won't allow him to stay the night during school even though SS stays at grandma's and with an aunt if she has an early appointment or if she ever decides to work.  He puts everything in writing to her and she just calls next day to deny it and scream at him. I guess we just don't know when or if we will ever have enough on our side to actually gain an EOWeek schedule from the courts. 

[ocean]

Well....
I can tell you that court will take you MONTHS to get it in writing without her agreeing. So maybe you can send her an e-mail or letter stating your intentions and either you meet and sign something together or that you will take it to court....(since I have moved back into the area you have said we would start every other week and we all told ss...")

Are you allowed to tape phone calls in your state? My state you can..other states you need to tell the person you are taping (just one time). So in your next letter you can state that all future phone calls will be taped (that may calm her down too). He can also write that it would be best to stick to letters/emails unless it is an emergency. Let it go to voicemail. If it is important, call or e-mail back. IF not, move on. If he gets on phone and she starts...politely state that he is no longer discussing it and to e-mail and hang up. You can use voicemails in court, e-mails (most times), tape machines.

The medical records are good to have in your back pocket but unless there is abuse/neglect it will prob go no where in court. Having report cards, going to conferences (use e-mail with teachers if possible for proof instead of phone calls) is good for the 50/50 plan. Going to dr appt and dentist even if BM brings him.

When does he turn 10...the older the better BUT a law guardian is for the child...even infants. They talk to child about what is going on. What was said to them, what they would like to have happen. Since child is saying he wants it is very good. Law guardians talk to the judge directly. Again, caution, once this begins your BM may tell son lies and try to make him go against you. Kids can be manipulated very easily and son lives there so he will want to make mom happy...