Advice needed, what would you do?

[joni]

Dilemma involves my 7 y.o. SD.  She's miserable with mom, wants to live with us.  Visitation over Father's Day yielded bruises all over her back.  SD told DH after he asked her what was new, she blurted out she got bruises from climbing a rock wall.  The next day I saw them, SD told me a friend pushed her against a wall.  Gentle coaxing and it finally came out that BM regularly hits her.

Our story is typical.  BM got sole custody after false allegations of DV and her taking the child away from DH under that guise and denying visitation for 18 mos.  Divorce final, she won.  Voila!!!!  No further complaints against DH, total compliance with visitations.

That was 5 years ago.  Since then, we negotiated a 'further' moveaway and got JC rights but not the title.  Were able to get SD medical care at eye doctor and dentist she's never had.  That was two years ago and we've provided that care.  SD lives in NY, we're in IL, jurisdiction is MI.  SD flies to us 2 weekends a month for visitation.  

BM fails at her custodial duties.  Leaves SD constantly in care of drunk grandmother while BM runs around with her boyfriend/fiance of 3 months (2nd fiance in 9 mos), takes grad classes, works out, shops.  SD is lonely and bored at mom's.

Now admittedly by child, she's abused.  Child is TERRIFIED of mother's wrath.  If I paint her nails her favorite neon green, child peels off the nails polish on Sunday before she goes home, fearful that her mother will get mad at the color.  Stuff like that.

Initial conversations with atty says well...you have the right to make routine decisions while the child is in your care, is counseling a routine decision?  I don't think so, my DH would be pissed if BM took her to counseling without his consultation.  

Further, I'm afraid if we just do that, BM will say "see....DH is still controlling and abusive towards me" and this would blow up with us at a custody motion for not notifying her.  Although, BM would never agree to it in the first place because she would be found out.

So what's the strategy here?  My idea would be for DH to talk to her about letting her live with us this coming year.  In exchange, no CS while she's in our care, we'll pay off her divorce settlement 3 years NOW in a lump sum and forgive the $4000 arrearage in child support we just won from a reduction retroactive a year ago.

Or, we just wait until the child is in our care and take her in for a psych eval to see if she exhibits signs of abuse or trauma.

Any thoughts or other ideas???

[wendl]

When the child comes with bruises, take her to the Dr or ER.

Talk to SD about talking to the school counselor, reports from school officials regarding abuse are taking much more seriously.

Take photos of the bruises and document the date.

Prayers to SD and your family.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Sherry1]

has sole custody.  If they have joint custody they will require both parents to sign off.  You could try to strike a deal with BM, but chances are she won't jump at it.  You are basically caught between a hard rock and a brick wall.  Pursing custody would probably cost upwards of $50K.

[CustodyIQ]

I agree that significant bruising should be examined by a doctor.  It gets it on the medical record, and the doctor is a mandatory reporter of suspected abuse.

Taking photos and documenting when they were taken is also a good thing.

Most importantly, keep that communication open between you and DH and the child.

The WORST thing that could happen is if biomom learns that the child is telling alarming things to you.  If that were to happen, the child will be afraid to speak up again, and then she's all alone.

So, aside from the physical abuse, I think one of the best things you can give this child is a safe place for her to speak and not fear that it will get back to biomom.  By investing in such trust, you'll know exactly what's going on in her life at all times, and that will help guide you in knowing when something is getting too disturbing to not act.

[EyeInTheSky]

Boy can we understand how you feel....... pretty trapped. D***ed if you do and d***ed if you don't.

I'm no attorney....but I think the advise is pretty darn good.

I would also see what the laws about taping phone conversations in your state and her state are.  If everything is ok, I'd tape conversations.  Also, can you install an 800 home-phone number for the child's usage?  You can practice memorizing it with her.

Fingernail paint....... fun stuff like that.  You may choke...but what about if the child wears the paint....and brings a bottle of cheap stuff back to BM so she or they can have fun too.  Yeah, BARF, but it may help the child.

As far as a psych exam.........oh we went that route when the child was here 2 years ago for a visitation.  This was a total hassle......even though the child was threatening suicide.  We wanted a simple eval to see if this was a cry for help, a manipulation or what was going.  As stated above....the psychologist was NOT thrilled and he kept asking US if this was a custody issue.  NO, it wasn't dang it (at that time anyway).  He even put that in his notes. (rolling eyes)  Turns out the child, at that time, wanted attention and was using this as a manipulation. ~~~ This was not the case several months ago though.

Did you say the child comes to you every 2 weeks?  If so (again, I'm not a lawyer or psychologist) why NOT take her to see somebody just to listen to her?  A special friend.  Two week intervals between appointments is not uncommon.

Also...... can the child draw, write (like poetry) or anything like that to express herself?  Sometimes, literally, a picture is worth a thousand words.

Be warned though...... IN OUR CASE..... the child is a good girl (14 now) but very manipulative.  She's getting much better because she does NOT HAVE to do this any longer.  BUT when she was in BM's care.... she'd embellish on everything and become the Queen of Drama.  A simple hangnail would turn into a near amputation according to the child.  I'm NOT suggesting your SD is this way......but I thought I should mention this because our SD wanted to please us....so when we'd gently probe, she'd pick up on this and make things up.  Again, no offense is meant at all........ I just wanted you to know our past experiences.

I wish you all the best luck.......and many blessings to the child!