Is joint custody something to consider/do?

[fairiZfair]

My boyfriend and i have been together for 5yrs and for 3.5 of that time he's been in court with his ex-wife mostly over support money. We have a blended family of a total of 6 kids combine, but when it comes to X dropping off the kids it's going to be drama for the weekend GUARANTEED. Our latest is that since June of last year they've been back and forth with support we had a son in 07 and she doesn't belive her money should be decreased since there's another child. We live in PA, X in Montgomery County, us in Phila, court cases is done in Mont. Co. They decided, after back and forth because she didn't agree with the mediator and anyone else, it got to the point where it was about to go to trail, they decided she keep her money she's getting and the kids come over every other weekend. We've been keeping to the aggrement but since last October when they made the aggrement. In Nov she complained that when I comb the daughter's hair it falls out, Dec she sent them with their own OJ cause she wasnts them to drink it eveyday, Jan she sent a walkie talkie-cause she has to say goodnight everynight, cause something might happen and she might not se them again and now in Feb she's threatening to go back to court cause he told her he can't have them on their next visit-she's pissed he's not able to make up the one missed weekend. My problem is this, the entire time he has delt with her, I've tried talking  to her woman to woman but it seems as though she gets he rocks off by inconvienencing him when she can. We only had the kids for a holiday last Xmas for half the day, they don't do birthdays or holidays with us at all. She's only wanting to do that when it's good for her, I'm sorry for making this so long but I'm trying to summerize the hell she's been causing for 5yrs. I told my boyfriend to play her game with her when she goes to court this time put in for joint custody. I have kids but never had to deal with a psycho like this before but it seems like thisn is the best thing. I'm more vocal this time arround meaning that if there's a problem I'll call her and address it, cause at this point the less he says to her is what he prefers, cause she lives for the opportunity to annoy him. Should I stay out or help him fight fire with fire, cause when she talks to me she tries to be so nice and when he's gets on the line it's bitch mode and I think she's getting angry that I now address things he wont cause she know he hates talking to her.

[gemini3]

As much as he hates talking to her, he really is the person that should be dealing with her.  I recommend low contact when dealing with a high conflict personality.  I found this approach on a blog - my husband and I tried it, and it has done wonders.

http://www.thepsychoexwife.com/appropriate-means-of-contact-with-high-conflict-personalities/ (http://www.thepsychoexwife.com/appropriate-means-of-contact-with-high-conflict-personalities/)

The best thing to do with a person like this is not engage.  That's what she wants - attention.  Think of her like a 2 year old, the more you ignore her the louder she'll get for a while, then eventually she'll give up and find something else to do.

I personally think joint custody is almost always the best thing for kids, but in order to get your order changed you would have to show a material change in circumstance.  What does your current order say?  What about visitation?

[fairiZfair]

Thanks for the reply, the order says that she gets the financial support, joint responsibility (I belive) and nothing about visitation, that was something they agreed on and notified the court of their decision. Although it will be hard I'll try to not have to deal with her, but she has been like this for years, it's like her reasoning is waay off but she knows what she's doing, everything has had great detail and thought put into it-nothing is on a whim.



She even has the kids talking very secretively when they call her 'to say goodnight'. I belive she has them giving her detailed info of everything day by day. Can't understand how a 7yr old can have a converastion on the phone and not make a sound, she has them trained, sad to say. The hard part for me personally is that the kids are the ones losing out because they don't seem as happy as they should be to me, especially because I have a 7yr old and the mentality is completely different. It is an  exhausting situation to be in. Feel as though I can just take my kids and leave so that they both can be miserable. Will definetly check out the website.

[Marsha]

From what I have heard, since its a conflicted relationship, as the girlfriend or stepmom, I would stay way out of it.  Let dad do all the communicating.

One recommendation made to me and my ex, we are also in a high conflict relationship, is instead of phonecalls, to email.  It still sucks, there are constant hurts and disappointments, but the emails do take a lot of the charge out of the communicating with him.  Also, it is a paper trail when court comes around, some level of documentation.

Whenever dad ends up back in court, he may want to request it be put in the court order that the children are allowed daily telephonic contact, and they be allowed privacy.

[trystero]

Here are my thoughts....

- Issue 1:  You had a new child in 07.  Atleast here in Colorado, major things that effect your financial situation should warrant a revisit to the child support calculations.  Because your husband has a new dependent, that probably does/should effect the child support.  I'd guess probably not much, but if he were still married to the ex, and they had another child, less would be spent on the oldest because there are now 2 kids.......make sense.

- Issue 2:  Dang!  I thought my ex- was psycho!  Unless something is wrong elsewhere, your household sounds stable.  He should look for 50% of the holiday's.  If it wasn't in the most current or previous court orders he got shafted.