First custody/placement issue in 13 yrs!! PLEASE ADVISE

[smtotwo]

My ex has recently had a g/f move in with him.  I have no problem with this, however I have become concerned for our 13 yr old.

He has known her for a short time-6 weeks- and she has serious issues with her own ex.  He followed her from her state, Ill. to our state, northern WI.  He was calling her work and harrasing her. He assaulted her in ILL and she has a no-[contact order against him.

My concern is thaty ex lives in a very small town and it wouldn't be
hard for her ex to find them.  

She quit her job because it was too far to drive from the bio dads to her work. Son went to dads on friday and on sunday dad called to tell me that I would either have to come get son or he would be keeping him until this coming saturday.  He doesn't have the gas to bring him home because he had to drive her 70 miles each way to  pshycologist appts. this last week.  Ex also obtained a restraining order against her ex because of phone threats he made to ex's voice mail on his cell phone.

I don't know her or her situation other than this.  What I do know is that
if her ex came to town and said I'm an old friend of "bobs"the people in town would tell him where they live and not think twice about it.

I have sole physical and sole legal but I have never really exercise it.
If "Bob" wants to deal with this situation that is fine, but I don't like feeling like he's putting son in danger.  This ex has been in jail previosly for assaulting an ex wife in 1998.

Someone get me on track and let me know if I'm overreacting.
I'm not  so concerned that I jumped in my car and ran to pick up son, but concerned enough to think that ex's feeling for this new g/f may be clouding his judgement.  He's paying for her counseling.  He said the other day "I'm 37 and I can't wait around forever for a wife".

Thanks for the help.

[Sunshine1]

I couldn't believe your post!   I have managed to not have a conflict with my ex for the last 5 years.  About a year and a half ago he decided that he was going to play the "internet field" because he was "I'm 31 and I can't wait around forever for a wife".

So  he dated a few asked my opinion and then met one and moved in with her after 2 months of barely dating her roughly maybe 5 dates, if that.  Then after 4 months announced his engagement and had our whole family (my DH included) over for dinner at his new home with his new family to be.

I swear it was like babies, puppies, and roses over there until the day they got married.  Exactly ONE week later in inherited a PBFH-SM.  

If my ex would have dated her long enough he would have come to find out the very many problems that we are now facing and he has no way out.

I am not a bad mom, it would probably be different if I was, she probably wouldn't bother me as much as she does. I am also a custodial SM.  We have a very busy schedule and our special needs child needs quite a bit of medical care. I run 2 families.  Ex used to be 100% involved with his children and then BAM!  He met her. Now we deal with a SM who thinks she is going to take over.  Nothing is done unless it is ok with SM.

One week after their marriage she went nutzo on me.  Come to find out that she is Bi-polar with extreme mood swings and high low periods, and a long long Looooong history of suicide attempts, man o man do I like the high periods.  The lows SUCK and we are her target,I can almost time her outbursts now.

Fact of the matter is you can't count on your DH to remember your son in all of his problems.  My EX was a great father...WAS a great father.  His attention and judment is now severely clouded by this looney and he has put our children in MANY questionable and dangerous situations.  

I have now been fighting for a year to make sure that the chidlren are safe while in Ex's care.  There always seems to be a problem with the kids when she is with them unattended.  Please be careful, you need to maker sure that your son is safe and that he has fun with his Dad, ifyou start seeing changes in his behavior or acting out you need to advise the parent that this environment is not healthy for him.

Going a few weeks without seeing him will truly test him, either he is going to rid himself of this traumatic baggage he has picked up or he is going to let him go.  Mine chose the wife, but heh, its his loss not mine, only makes our bond stronger.  Keep your eyes open is my advce to you and if it really starts to get out of hand, keep him with you for his own saftey.

[joni]

it sounds like you and your Ex have a fairly amicable situation

invite him out for coffee, away from the house, your child and the new g/f

express to him your concern for his safety and your child's safety.  be honest and explain to him that it may be in your child's best interest to stay with you until this stuff with his g/f and her Ex settles down and they're able to get back on their feet

he may surprise you and agree with you since he already had you keep your child an extra week

if he doesn't, I would wait for your visitation and just keep the child until you feel secure in letting him go back there.  tell dad he can visit at your house.