First time posting need your help.

[gemini]

I'm writing this for my soon to be husband.

Backstory:

FDH was married to BM from 1989 to 1995. They have a 16 year old son. With their divorce, they had a vague 50/50 shared custody agreement, with no child support ordered. They decided to co-parent without involving the courts. I met FDH in 1994, when he was separated from the ex and living with his parents. I was a friend of his at work, and we would socialize with a group of other friends from work occasionally. She, on the other hand, had taken up with FDH's best friend and became pregnant.

Apparently, while thinking it was ok to be with his best friend, she decided that I could NOT be friends with FDH. She came to our workplace, threatened me, and waited outside (with their 5 year old in the car). I walked out the door, and she got out of her car and assaulted me in front of the child. I did not fight back as I was in my work uniform, on the work premises, and was afraid I would lose my job. Also, I felt it totally inappropriate to be in an altercation in front of a child. Someone pulled her off of me, and I left immediately. The next day, I asked the boss for a transfer. A few weeks later, I got a phone call from her, with her explaining that her ex was a liar and that I needed to stay away from him. She told me that they were "working it out", and I believed her. (I had no idea of the best friend situation). I ceased all contact with FDH for several years afterward. I found out later that she sent the best friend/lover into my job to get my phone number. I never filed any charges.

Present day:
I accidentally came into contact with FDH in June of last year. We decided that we were still very good friends, and that maybe we should date each other. We are now very much in love with each other. Things were fine with his ex for about a month and a half. He and I began living together, and that is where the trouble started. BM began calling him continuously, not to talk about their son, but to say nasty things about me and telling him things like "That bitch is going to leave you". Just as a sidenote: She is on her second remarriage, and from what I've heard from FDH, she has used each husband to intimidate and threaten with, saying things like "my new husband is now the father and you should sign your rights to him", and "my new husband makes "this much" money, and you're a loser", and on and on.

She has left numerous messages on the answering machine. Things like "hey asshole, my faggot husband wants his money for such and such", these messages are ALL derogatory and abusive. I told him to save them. It got so bad, that we changed the home phone, and I had him let her know that she was not allowed to have our new number, as I didn't want my own 9 year old daughter to hear that kind of stuff.

She was now only allowed to call FDH's cell phone to discuss their son. I became a Real Estate Agent, and moved us into a pretty nice 4 bedroom home (with a room for their son), and she began withholding visitation altogether. The phone calls continued, but were much worse. The last time FDH went to pick up his son, she assaulted him in the driveway, trying to stop him from exercising visitation. From then on, FDH has let her leave messages on his voicemail, and calling their son at home when she is at work, to avoid her abuse. I recently listened to all of the messages she and her husband have been leaving lately, and there are things like ""Son" isn't comfortable around "me", and he will NEVER be comfortable around her", "You're not going to see your son for the next 99 weekends", she has even went so far as to call my daughter a "little, fucking douchebag". There are others where she says "I'm going to beat her ass AGAIN".  I have not had one conversation, not even a word with BM, and I have never defended myself, mostly because that's not the kind of person I am, and I feel that I'm a little too old to be behaving this way.

FDH works with the school district, with developmentally disabled children, but has recently been laid off. He is actively searching for employment. He has, up until recently, given his son $100 month for whatever he needs, and until 2001, had son living with him the majority of the time. During this time, she never gave FDH any money towards their son's care. NOW, she has just filed a case for CS.

I'm just curious what FDH's next step is. Does he need a lawyer? Should he file an order for modification of the visitation order? I'm not trying to be the invasive girlfriend, but I am interested in stopping her further abuse and power.

Thanks in advance, and sorry it's so long.

[CustodyIQ]

I think the following approach would be reasonable:

1. Get witnesses from the altercation years ago, have them write affadavits as to her physical attack on you.

2. Get certified transcripts of some of the phone messages she's left.

After securing these two types of evidence,, ask for court orders that she is not to approach any person living in the residence of the father, at any place or at any time.  Further ask for orders that she is not to call the father's home.  The child is old enough that he can call his mom, if he wants.

The bigger picture is determining custody.  The father has to decide on what to request... joint custody with 50/50?  He's going to have to lay out a parenting plan that is best for the teen boy, and he's going to have to convincingly argue why the status quo isn't in the child's best interest.

Child support will be determined at the time that court orders are entered for temporary custody and the corresponding parenting schedule.

The court may want to see an evaluation prior to making final orders on custody.  Your husband may wish to request one (because it sounds like mom is a bit unstable), or some courts can do it on their own motion.

And, finally, I think it would be in Dad's interest to have an attorney during this.  It appears as though mom is unstable, potentially dangerous, and intent to diminish the kid's contact with Dad.

[ocean]

My first reaction is what does the 16 year old want? Does he want to see dad or live with you guys? How close are you two now? Same schools? IF son wants to have visits then you have a good chance due to his age. Your DH needs to let the phone go to voicemail and only call back if it is an emergency.