Freaking out

[CartersMom0905]

 I'm now officially going into panic mode. I just had a surprise visit from a social worker. I cannot believe he would stoop so low. He made all sorts of horrific claims about our house. Said it was disgustingly dirty and there was no food here.
The social worker came in, I wasn't dressed by any means. My son just had a nose bleed two seconds before he knocked on the door. But he said that every thing was fine, the house was clean, the pantry and fridge are fully stocked, and that my son looks like a normal healthy three year old boy, with tons of energy.
Why do this though? I don't understand. He's always said that he thought I was a good mother. He knows that our son is always taken care of. Why be nasty, especially when it won't come to fruition? There was nothing to be found and he knew that. Is he just using scare tactics?
I'm freaking out here, one week into this non sense and he's already turning into a horrible person.
-Sharon

[brwneyedmom]

Relax.  Deep breathe ten times.  This may work in your favor.  Someone who makes false allegations doesn't look good to the court system at all.  A surprise visit will give a true picture of the home and food situation- you didn't have time to prepare for it.  Make sure your attorney is aware of the visit and the aftermath. 
Some people come out swinging and play dirty to get what they want.  Just keep your head up.  KEEP YOUR COOL AT ALL COSTS.  Complain and  vent to friends, here, write it down to document and save it for later in a very safe place.  tell no one that you document except your attorney; let them read what you have if they want  (this didn't help me).  It could be used in court against you.  Do not date.  Do not use checks or credit cards to buy liquor or cigarettes.  Don't speed or collect too many parking tickets.  Live on the high road (but visualize kicking pebbles and boulders off on his head at times to make you feel better).  Never say anything negative about dad in front of your child.  This includes conversations with other adults.  It's surprising what little ears will pick up on.  And even neutral things said about your ex will come back to haunt you so be careful.
If you can't afford an attorney, start selling stuff to get one.  You should approach a custody fight very carefully.  If you go pro-se, start studying what you'll need to know.  There are some who have been successful as pro-se, but it's a hard fight.  Others will be better guides for this than I could be, and I defer to their expertise/experience.
I am not an attorney.  I am a tired ex-wife at the end of the custody/child support/fighting time.  My ex and I still can't get along, in spite of trying.  In fact, my restraining order against him just expired because I was in the hospital.  He's started calling again.  Five times in the last week.  Not enough to get it renewed, alas.  Try to avoid this path.  It was horrible for DS to witness/experience. 
This is just some of the stuff I learned the hard way.  Take it if you can use it.  Disregard the rest.

[CartersMom0905]

Thanks for your reply brwneyedmom...
I'm hoping it will work in my favor that he's being unreasonable. He says I'm trying to take our son from him when I've said over and over again that I'm not trying to do that, I just want to get a joint custody order in place so he'll stop playing tug of war with our son. He's convinced that I'm trying to get the order in place hoping that he can't abide by it and that I'll claim he's in violation of the order so that I can just get full custody instead. He's always had these conspiracy theories and felt like the whole world was out to get him and when he gets crazy like this there's no reasoning with him.
He's mad right now because I told him that our son is not going back to his house until he gives me some good faith proof that he's willing to participate in this and get the paper work started in the least and he's not willing to do that either.
I don't understand this at all... he's never had a problem with the custody before, and then all of a sudden the past few weeks he's completely flipped out.
I'm hoping to do this on my own, because I can't afford an attorney, but I am meeting with one tomorrow, just a consult to see what my options are. Maybe I'll be able to get some ideas from there.
Does any one have any good question that I should be asking this attorney tomorrow that you can think of? I don't even know where to start.
How long have you been in this custody battle with your ex? I'm starting to read around this board and I'm hearing YEARS in some cases... that's crazy to me. By the time it's all figured out, it seems like every one has been fighting throughout the kid's whole childhood and he/she is an adult by the time it's all said and done, and what was the point?
Why does it have to be so hard. Weren't we all people who were in love once? Didn't we make these children out of love? And we can't even get along long enough to figure out a sleep over? This is insanity... or am I only one who thinks that?

-Sharon
"Insanity is a perfectly sane response to an insane world"

[brwneyedmom]

Time for you to hit the library and used bookstore.  Get "Divorce Poison", "Parenting with a Jerk" (I think that's the right title), and there's a good book on creating coparenting agreements that you both sign and file with the court.  I think it's called "Coparenting" or "Joint Custody". 
It's possible to co-parent with a jerk but you have to work out an agreement that both parents can live with.  I got it court ordered that my ex and I would only communicate via email because he would call more than 50 times daily to scream at me.  We switched parenting times at the end of school/daycare because we didn't have to see each other.  We decided that clothing would be kept at each house because we didn't want DS to attend school with a suitcase every other Thursday.  I would have the school send him a copy of everything that they sent to me.  I would give dad an extra weekend so that our son could attend a sleepover.  Dad refused to switch so it was easier to just give an extra weekend. I switched our midweek days because he didn't want to use "his" time for cub/boy scout meetings.  We just figured out that it was going to be easiest if our son would attend 50% of sporting events and practices because my ex did not want to use his time with our son's activities/sports/extracurricular events.  That's his choice.  Our son got to participate for 50% which is more than nothing.  The teachers/coaches/leaders just learned to live around our limitations.  If they tried to downgrade our son's grades, I was on them pronto.  I never let them drop grades for something that DS couldn't help. 
Our fight started when DS was 4 and ended at age 18.  Picking your battles is one of the hardest yet most important thing to learn.  Most things aren't worth fighting over.  Learn to let it go.  You'll be the one who stays sane in the end. 

[DadsCrushed]

This is the father's forum.

Per Social Services arriving at your home, unless they have a Court Order summons, they can not enter your home. Conduct the interview outside.

My exwife pulled this garbage as well. Let your husband cry wolf. Trust me, it is scary but after time his assertions will become diluted.

[CartersMom0905]

I didn't know I wasn't allowed to post here. I only did because I posted on the mother's forum and a man named Davy told me to post here instead. I'm new to this and just figuring it out. Sorry if I've offened any one by posting here, I'm just looking for help, just like the rest of you.

[Davy]

Cartersmom...You had posted on the moms w/o custody board and I was trying to explain to you that you did have custody and you could even post on the father's forum AS AN EXAMPLE.   
I mis-communicated for the first time.   Ha ! Very sorry to each and everyone I may have caused to be offended.  I do understand CrushedDad comment...years ago I used to feel the very same and commented the same but since nobody listened I just forgot about it.  Ha !  I think all is well.

[CartersMom0905]

I actually don't really understand why there's a separate board for moms and dads to start with to be honest. I've only been on this board a few days, but I hear so many people shouting from the towers how wrong it is to treat some one differently because of their gender... and the response to this is to keep the genders separate lol. Does that confuse any one else or is it just me? Not trying to start trouble, it just honestly seems strange to me. I can understand having different boards for states, or certain specific issues, but why do we have separate boards for sexes?
Again, I want to say, not a challenge, or an attempt to start a debate, but rather an honest genuine question for any one who does know the answer.

-Sharon
"Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?"   

[brwneyedmom]

This forum is for anyone to post on.  People tend to read a forum based on the title however, so there may be more fathers here than mothers.  SPARC is for "separated parents".  Not separated papas. 
Feel free to post away.  He's just as new as you, so perhaps he didn't understand that there's no gender requirement to post or to answer.  Now he does know.