Can anyone help me?

[mom_in_tn]

Hi..... I have 2 children from a former marriage. They are both female and live with their dad, they are 16.5 yrs and the youngest is almost 13. We live in Tennessee and have "Shared Parenting".
 My oldest daughter wants to live with me, she is extremely unhappy with her dad. Our 13 yr old seems to be in the middle and really seems pretty satisfied where ever she is.
We went through a custody hearing in 2002. At that time in Tennessee I had to prove mental harm/danger in order to gain custody of them. "Most" of the "mental harm/danger" is coming from the grandmother ( the dad has chose to live with his mother). Since the grandmother was not listed as a defendant I could not even mention her name without the ex's lawyer yelling "objection!!!!!!".
Our daughter could not mention the things that the grandmother does/says to her :(
I felt that I was "duped" by my lawyer since he knew most (not all) of the negativity was coming from the grandmother. He should have told me that I would have to have her listed as a defendant also. At any rate the judge ruled that both of us were equally fit but since I did not prove mental/harm danger that the kids would remain with their dad.
The law has since changed, to my understanding. But I guess my question is.... Since our daughter is almost 17 yrs old can't she "choose" ?
I am constantly "downed" and "degraded" by the grandmother and at times the dad also creates scenes with the children about me. They have both said some horrible things about me to the children/in front of the children.
Our oldest daughter is has a very "unhealthy" fear of her dad and that is disturbing to me. She claims he has never said or done anything to cause this fear, its "just there". That sounds like bologna to me.
Can anyone guide me to resources that may help me ?
Id appreciate any feed back.
There are a lot more questions that I have but will post another time.
Thanks,
Mom_in_tn

[JW]

A child under the age of 17 can never "choose," but they do have sufficient weight in the courtroom over a certain age. Most judges know how miserable a 17 year old can make your life if unhappy. Also, if possible, contact the school counselors or student services and have them talk to your daughter in confidence and have them get some feedback for you. They need to be aware of any suspicion of abuse, anyway, by law. Good luck

[mom_in_tn]

Thanks for your reply. I have thought of talking to the counselor at her high school. I'm not sure what my daughter would say to me if she knew I had talked to someone. She is a loner and I'm the only person along with my mom that she will open up with. I would hate to lose her trust. Every time she talks to me about her situation she will literally beg me not to mention anything to her dad because it will just cause a big scene at his & his moms house.