Help - Wife wants to leave state with my 3 daughters

[Firstborn]

We have been married for 7 years, and have 3 daughters; 6, 4, 1. It has been up and down the entire time, and we have had a lot of problems.
We have also had a lot of good times, which is what I like to focus on. During this time, we have been to marital
counseling after my wife committed adultery. I thought things were getting better for a while, but it was far from being
truly happy and harmonious.

In April of this year, both of my parents died. 1 week apart, on the same day, within 30 minutes of each other. I got a salary
reduction at work because of the economy, and decided now was a good time to get out of our mortgage which we couldn't
afford and move (we currently live in Idaho). We took a vacation to the Oregon coast which we have visited in the past, and found a beautiful home
about 1 1/2 hours from the beach. My wife and I both feel in love with the place, and we very lucky to find it.

Fast forward 2 months, and we have packed our belongings, put our current house on the market as a short sale, and moved to Oregon.

We have been here for 4 weeks now, and my wife broke down about 1 week ago and said she hates me, and wants a divorce. I told her
I am sorry for my behavior, but the deaths of my parents have taken a toll on me. I promised I would try my best to improve my treatment
toward her, and would seek counseling. I also told her she is horribly homesick, and needs to give it some time. This happened while her mother
and sister were visiting. Her mother and sister insisted on coming down and visiting for a week 4 weeks after we got here, and are coming down
for our youngest daughter's birthday in November. We are also going back for Thanksgiving, and then will be back for about 10 days in Christmas.

A big part of the problem is back home, she has a very close relationship with her mother and sister. Her mother is divorced, her sister is 25 and lives
at home with mom, and her mother has done nothing but meddle in our marriage from the beginning. I love her mother to death, she means well and
is a sweet lady, I just can't live next door to her. I feel like I am married to her mother, her sister, and to her.

We had a nice talk last night, and thought we had reconciled to some degree. I told her I wasn't moving back, but I don't want her to leave and break
up our family. Above all, I don't want my 3 precious little girls to suffer. We agreed to both get some counseling.

This morning, I get back from the store and she is acting weird again. I get a little perturbed; because I thought we had just gone over this the night before. She tells me she called her uncle back home to come over and get her and my girls.

We have another huge discussion, and she tells me she loves me and and doesn't want to lose me, but has to go home. She says we can't work on our marriage in Oregon because she doesn't have the support of her family. I convince her to go to a couple of sessions with a counselor before we make any decisions.


Does anyone have any advice to give this father who is at his wits end?

[tigger]

Work hard on the marriage.  Unfortunately you haven't been there long enough to establish residency and you need that before you can file anything with the courts to stop her.

[Davy]

IMHO, I would hope for counseling that will focus on the entire family and some basic definitions.

The marriage is secondary to the family that includes the children and are too young to have a voice.  Historically and statistically all relevant evidence and information reveals the importance of having  BOTH PARENTS in the  lives of the children.

I suspect and fear "marriage counseling" will somehow include the controlling mother and the sister (appears to be the problem) while the kids will take the back seat and the Dad will turn out to be the SOB.  "Home and family" is with the children and father NOT the with mother ... one might think the insecure wife/mother (of young children) may require separate counseling to fully understand her position and status and moreover how critical she is in those roles/positions.

Also, legally "Home" is Oregon and I believe a parent can restrain the other parent from moving the children across state lines to protect the children but does not meet residency requirements to dissolve the marriage.

.... and hey Tigger ... it has been awhile

[MomofTwo]

Tigger gave you good advice.

But I want to take a different approach then blaming your wife and her family, you have been through alot.  While I do not disagree you need marriage counseling and family counseling (and don't listen to the advice children belong with you and not Mom and she needs counseling, that will surely get you a divorce), but because of the things that have happened to you with the loss of your parents, you may need individual counseling.  A loss of one parent is a significant loss, the loss of both in such a short time is traumatic.  Sometimes when things like that happen, we think we are coping, only after time has passed and you look back do you realize how little you truly are coping.   You are probably enjoying the change in location so much because it truly feels like a fresh start to you, but you have to stop criticizing the fact she has a good relationship with her family.  Family values are VERY important.  As much as you feel a loss because of your parents passing, she feels a loss, albeit not the same degree, with losing her family being around and their support.  You can't expect her to understand your loss when you fail to put any value in her loss.

[Davy]

I agree with Tigger about working with the mother on you relationship.  To me that's a given.
I don't know for sure about the residency requirements to protect the children but I believe you don't neccisarily have to meet a residenecy standard  or file for divorce or custody to protect to the children.

I guess I better repeat to clarify my previous post :

I suspect and fear "marriage counseling" will somehow include the controlling mother and the sister (appears to be the problem) while the kids will take the back seat and the Dad will turn out to be the SOB.  "Home and family" is with the children and father NOT the with H E R  mother ..." 

See, just by posting and without even entering marriage counseling, the kids are in the back seat and the Dad is the SOB.

Many, many people have married and moved from their parents home town and still enjoy healthy relationships with their parents.  My 3 sisters and myself are among the many for (35 to 45 years).  My EX tried very hard for 15 years ... her parents were too sick and had too much money.