In dealing with children's extra-curricular activities, please advise..??

[brwneyedmom]

This would also be the perfect opportunity to bring a video camera to film your childrens' sports.  While you're filming, you can't help it if you catch some BM craziness going on at the same time.  Voila, you've got documentation of her behavior for court if needed.  She also might start behaving better if you're filming which is not a bad thing. 
I wish that I had filmed DS's activities when his father was screaming at me from the bottom of the bleachers.  That basketball game was DS's last sporting event.  He refused to play after the third grade so his father couldn't scream again.  His father also accused a coach that year of sexual assault of DS when the coach put his arm around DS's shoulders. 
Sigh.  What would we do without crazy ex's? 
You just have to do what you can, and hopefully, it's the best option all around. 
I don't understand a parent who can't handle the other parent's presence at an event.  I also don't understand a parent who won't participate in any activities of the children.  Both opinions are just too foreign to me.  I didn't care if DS's dad was around as long as he stayed at least 15 feet away from me.  That was my comfort zone! 

Just document everything that she does to violate the order.  When you get enough for you, file for contempt.  I never thought the fine and slap on the ex's wrist was worth bringing him to court.  You will have your own line in the sand that you must determine how much is enough.  It's different for everyone. 

[asof2005]

I hear ya, BM just informed the oldest son who has been playing baseball for 3 years and is now interested in other sports, that he cant play sports if they fall on her days.  What a load!  It is something he loves and it keeps him busy and out of trouble.  Sports are always going to eventually fall on her days, because both have weekday visitation.  I dont know what to tell you besides what others have.  Still go to the game, watching your kids in sports is still being there for them during your parenting time, it shouldnt be looked at as time taken away.

[chickenbubbasmom]

  Thanks to everyone for the great advice. It's such a relief to have found a place to come and look for advice and/or answers from people who are like-minded and understand what the real issue is..that being what's best for the children.

ocean-that is exactly what dad was thinking of doing, about the uniform..

So, the best approach is to support the kids, make every attempt to attend their activities unless we have some family event, and document in any way we can all the instances in which mom is breaking the court order. Eventually we will find our way back in court , that's a given ..

thanks guys

[MixedBag]

ASF -- please think about something you said that BM said....

See -- as a NCP, when the kids are scheduled for sports activities, there is a bit of frustration on the NCP's side because what if the NCP would like to schedule activities too and now can't because SPORTS takes over?

You know, I'd like to be a parent too -- pick something to do on what's supposed to be my child's time with me and then run with it.

Somewhere, somehow in history, the CP enrolled our child in SPORTS which got them interested and the rest is history.

Honestly?  There has to be a careful balance (IMHO) between everything -- time with mom, time with dad, time spent with sports or any other extracurricular activity -- and it's when that balance is upset that one side or the other feels stepped on and the complaints start rolling in.

I've seen/read that CP's over enroll the children in activities to where the NCP has no opportunity to make choices about the time where the children are with them.......and that would limit the NCP's ability to be a parent when they (normally) have such a small amount of time to begin with.

Folks -- find a balance.

As CP, my girls were not allowed to put extracurricular activities before time with their dad.  Heck, like I told someone yesterday afternoon, my OD took our divorce decree to work at O'Charley's when she was 17 and said "I have a court order that says I need to go see my dad over Christmas this year" -- when work was denying any requests for time off over the holidays.  The Boss there didn't fire her -- actually promoted her and she was one of only a few who got trained in every position in the restaurant over the years.

Back off my soap box.

[chickenbubbasmom]

mixed bag-our situation falls exactly in with what you are saying, so i can really relate. For example, over summer when the court evaluation was ongoing and dad's time was still severely limited (by previous do nothing judge), BM tried to force dad to sign a new stipulation, with threat of not allowing him to see the kids at all over the summer if he refused. Included in the stipulation was a page that stated:

"Dad will take children to all extra-curricular activities that are scheduled during his time. This includes but is not limited to practices, warm ups, soccer, winterball, tournaments, baseball, swimming, music, and any other activities children have been enrolled in. If dad is late or fails to take the children to any of these activities at any time, he will forfeit his parenting time from then on and mom will keep children during these activities."

She had also signed the children up for summer day camp that had field trips on dad's Wednesday visitation, so he lost his Wednesday visitation for the entire summer. The way mom has set it up, dad is in a lose/lose situation. Especially with the younger child, who is 9, and has been affected a lot worse by mom's alienating behavior than 13 y.o.

[Momfortwo]

First of all, soccer sign up where I live is in June.  So it is quite possible that the child was signed up before the court date.  It should have been disclosed at that time. 

The father does not have to take the child to soccer games on his week-end.  I think it's a crappy thing to do given how short the season is, but he doesn't have to take the child.  Don't get me wrong, I understand that he wanted to be consulted, but he wasn't.  And that isn't the child's fault.  And when he does take the child to the game, he can get a schedule of when the games are from the coach. 

He can also file a contempt motion over this.  But chances are a judge may view it as petty.  He may want to wait for it happen several times to show a history of non-compliance.

And those text messages that you are blocking?  Well, I wouldn't.  Those can be used in any future court actions.  She is giving you proof of harassment.  I would discuss them with your attorney. 

[tjk]

I agree with ocean about telling bm to send the uniform on days the child has soccer.  (That's all I would say too, I would not commit that sending the uniform was a guarantee he would be there but I would NOT take him if she fails to send it.)  Just make sure you do something REALLY fun with the child if you make him miss.

I would go to the coach and introduce myself and ask for a copy of the schedule.  I'd also make sure to give the coach my phone # and email address and ask that he please keep me up to speed on any changes or additional info.  You might want to ask if there is a website for the team online where you can find updates.

If you have other plans on any of your parenting days that would keep your ds from attending soccer, I would call the coach to advise him.  I would not call bm.  In her own words, it is not her day.  Let her find out when she gets there.  I'm sure once you get a copy of the schedule you won't be getting any courtesy calls from her if he will be missing a game.

I really do believe in taking the high road but there are times that you just have to show someone first hand what things are like to be in your shoes.  Evidently bm likes to subscribe to the theory that you don't need to know if it's not your day so you are just respecting her wishes by doing the same.  (a little sarcasm, but you get the point and bm will too.)

If I can make a suggestion, when bm violates the court order I would send her a very polite and business like cert letter RRR, stating the problem and asking that she fix it.  After you've accummulated 3-5 or so, then file a motion for contempt.  Bm will have little defense after you've repeatedly objected to her in writing.  Also, it shows the judge you have tried to work this out without taking up the court's time however bm refuses to cooperate. 

Good luck.

[chickenbubbasmom]

momfortwo- we attended younger son's soccer game last Saturday; it was actually his 2nd game because 1st game (opening day) was on mom's day and she did not inform dad until the following Monday. Coach called dad's cell phone the night before, and made a big deal of thanking dad for showing up on day of. Mom has made it seem as if dad is simply disagreeable or not wanting son to be in soccer, which is not the case at all..dad is not going to make the child suffer because of mom's wrongdoing. As for the text messages, we do not have free text and she was running up our bill because she is virtually the only person text messaging our phones. After he had his messaging turned off, she started texting and calling MY phone.

tjk..i feel what you are saying. Dad  is trying to communicate with the coach and cut mom out of the equation entirely. We had filed for contempt on other matters (mom refusing to provide address and work schedule, not allowing dad ROFR), and recently got notice that the hearing was approved for November. Maybe dad can file something else before hearing about this as well.