My dd is turning into a pbfh! (Venting mostly)

[lucky]

Ok, you read about my dd before.  I'm REALLY stressed now because she's basically giving her child away so she can party!  I had SERIOUS concerns about the little one's daddy, but since he's had LO 50+ percent of the time, he's been stepping up to the plate.  According to "sources" that we trust pretty well, he hasn't been partying at all when the LO is up there, but he has been taking any and every odd job he can find so that he can have money to buy food, diapers, etc. for him.  Everytime dd takes LO to daddy, she has no diapers left.  Daddy buys diapers then when LO goes back to dd, daddy sends the remainder of the diapers with - because dd doesn't have any.  She appears to be timing the transfer to happen just as she runs out.   Daddy still parties, just not when he's got LO.

My dd is calling in sick to work saying that she caught what LO has even though LO is up at daddy's and dd hasn't been within 150 miles of LO in over a week.  She has been talked to by the managers about calling in so much - she's only had the job about 5 weeks!  She moved in with a guy who is in the bar a minimum of 4 nights per week and gets his kids e/o weekend but leaves them with a babysitter on Saturday nights to go to the bar.  On the nights that they aren't at the bar, they're watching football or playing poker and drinking like fish.  THIS info comes directly from dd.  When she does have LO (at least around us) she's screaming at him to leave her alone.  The poor kid just wants some attention from mommy but she's always tired, texting, having a cigarette (outside without him), hungover or a combination of these - or getting ready to go out somewhere (partying or work, sometimes both).

Poor LO has been sick since Thursday and daddy took him to the ER, dd didn't go up there, presumably she was at the bar playing poker since Thursdays are poker night at the local bar and they NEVER, EVER miss it.  She'd called into work earlier on Thursday and said she had to take care of LO.  The poor kid is still sick (NOT a virus the ER doc told daddy) and dd hasn't called us to tell us how he's doing or what is even wrong with him like she promised.  DH finally called daddy who told us what was up, DH called again today and daddy said that if LO isn't feeling any better by tomorrow morning, he's taking him back in.  Daddy says that dd calls, but is usually drinking and that they just get into a fight.

At this point daddy is pulling his weight and I think he'll win if he files for custody.  Honestly I think he should because my dd certainly isn't behaving as if she wants to be mommy.  If he cleans up his act (and maybe having this responsibility with be the trigger - who knows?) it would be a good thing.   

Anyway, I can't openly "endorse" daddy, but I'll be damned if I'll support dd in a custody battle as long as she continues like this.  That little boy needs stability and parents (at LEAST one) who wants him and wants to be daddy/mommy.  I'm screwed with my dd, I know.  If I don't help her, she'll hate me, even though I don't believe she should have him at this point.  But, she'll just have to hate me, I guess. 

[oneaddress]

Sorry for the stress that your dd is placing on you. We all need to vent sometimes. It is good that you are concerned about the best interest of the child. It is ironic that your experience with your dd parallels that of my son's BM. BM's mom would tell me the about BM's partying, drinking, and drugging and that BM was mean and hateful to our son. She actually called and said that she would be glad to testify in court about these experiences.

Well, do you know who was most livid because she received a subpeona for court-BM's mom! She was so angry because she was called in to testify about what she had observed that my atty did not call her to the stand. My atty had warned me earlier by telling me that family always stick together. I did not believe my atty.

I know that it will be hard to "endorse" BF, but this is about stepping up and doing what is right for GS. BM can do what she wants with her life, but GS deserves to be cared for by two parents, and if not two parents, one parent who wants to provide him with stability and safety. GS shouldn't have to "wait" until BM gets through partying. It is important to do the right thing especially when an innocent child is involved.

[eagleeyefam]

So many thoughts. First, it IS ok to endorse daddy. Even if it is going against your own daughter. He is stepping it up for his child which is a lot more than the BM is doing. So yes by all means endorse and back that daddy.

You DD needs to be b*tch slapped. I was a bartender and bar manager for 6 years. I saw all kinds come and go thru those doors. It's a world that that isn't reality. DD needs to understand that if she didn't show up at the bar for a week there isn't a damn person who is going to notice after the first day. 18 years down the road there isn't ANYBODY from that bar that will give 2 sh*ts about her. BUT THERE WILL BE A CHILD WHO IS NOW AN ADULT THAT REMEMBERS HER.  And as far as I'm concerned THAT CHILD is who really matters.

Maybe dad needs to file custody papers. But then again that could make BM flip a switch and keep the child away form dad out of pure spite. It happens.

As for your daughter hating you. She'll get over it. There will be a day when she looks at her own reflection and realizes she really doesn't like what she sees. It may be awhile before that happens, but it will happen.

I'm the adult result of a bar fly mom and step dad. I was smart enough to find reality in there somewhere and make a great life for myself. I didn't have a dad or a gramma to help me. My younger sister however didn't bode so well from a crappy upbringing. She is an addict in and out of abussive relationships. It's very sad. So as Gramma or hell even as a person with a heart, protect this little one from the hell life could be with a bar fly momma.

And if needed I'll tie your DD to a chair and explain LIFE to her. LOL

[Kitty C.]

Lucky, I can understand the anguish you're going through, especially when it's your own flesh and blood.   I agree with the other posters and support the father, since he seems the only parent who is stepping up to the plate.

As for DD hating you, I also agree.......she'll get over it eventually.  But it will only happen after she takes a good look in the mirror and finally comes to the realization that you only did what you had to do to ensure the health and safety of your GS.  And if she doesn't, her hating you will be the least of the demons she will battle.

I did something a few years back that royally PO'd DS and in essence did the same thing (just not the same issue).  First, I told him that my PRIMARY job as a parent was to feed, clothe, and house him.....that's the absolute necessities.  Secondary is preparing the child for the real world.......this is as real as it gets and sometimes it hurts, but I was NOT ever going to be his 'friend'.  That's when he finally started to differentiate between family and friends.

Take it for what it's worth, lucky............but I will keep you and yours in my thoughts.  I know this must be extremely difficult for you, but I also know that when the time comes, you will follow your heart AND head.

[Giggles]

I agree with the others...it IS ok to support the Father!!  Actually, we had a situation simular to this happen in my Family.  I was 14 y/o when my niece was born....my older sister was 16 when she gave birth.  My Dad insisted on my sister and the father marrying and they did.  That lasted maybe a whole 6 months??  My Sister and her DH moved, then seperated and my Sis brought my niece back to my parents and basically dumped her off and split.

A year or so goes by, not a word from my Sis but a constant stream of letters, cards, gifts, phone calls etc from the Father.  He didn't visit because we lived in Germany at the time and the father was in the States. 

The father then asks my parents if he could have custody and they agreed.  He had just gotten married (again), had a house and was settled down.  Still nothing from my Sister.  So when we came back to the states for my other sister's wedding, we met up with the Father and my parents turned over my then 3 y/o niece with the stipulation that he keep in contact, send letters, pictures, etc.

Now please don't let this part scare you...I'm just telling you what happened in my family....

A month went by...didn't hear from him, 2 months....6 months...NOTHING! My parents were frantic!  It's like he dissapeared off the face of the earth.  Later that year, we moved back to the States and my parent hired a private investigator to find their Granddaughter.  It didn't take him long at all...in fact she lived just around the corner from him....She was in a FOSTER HOME....grrrr!!!

My parents were LIVID!!  Come to find out...the Father's new wife didn't take kindly to raising another woman's child.  There was an issue with abuse and the state stepped in and took my neice away from them.  My parents petitioned the State and was granted Custody and then later was granted athority to adopt my niece...so then she became my baby sister!

In all of this....my parents were still right in granting the father custody.

[gemini3]

I agree with the others - it is right to support the father if he's doing the right thing.  Isn't that what we're about?  Haven't we all wished that someone who knew what was going on would have spoke up when the shoes were on our feet? 

The right thing to do isn't always the easy thing to do.

[lucky]

Thanks for all the feedback everyone.  You've all made very good points - I fought like hell for my dh to have his kids in his life because they needed him but I'm just going to let this slide?  No, I can't do that.  So I won't if it comes to that. 

Given all that's going on, however, I think that it may be a slam dunk for daddy.  She told him to apply for medical assistance in his county so that he could go to school (Head Start) up there.  Sounds like she's giving him up, but I also can see her running up there and grabbing LO as soon as she's served because if he ends up with custody, she loses that control.  God she reminds me of her father lately.  ugh. 

I guess I'll just wait and see where the wind takes me...

Thanks again for helping me to put a little more objective perspective on this situation.

[MrCustodyCoach]

I, too, understand and sympathize with your dilemma.  However, I don't think you would have posted here if you didn't know in your heart what the right answer was.  More important than your showing support for the father - you will be showing support for the child.