Pain for my son

[oneaddress]

I am feeling pain for my son this morning. I am primary and my son is 5. He has three pairs of shoes that I bought him - 1 pair of Stride Rite, 1 pair of Reeboks, and 1 pair of Nikes. He wears his Reeboks to preschool. BM has never bought him shoes. That may seem strange, but it is true. BM says that it is the father's responsibility.

Son was adamant that he would not wear school shoes this morning. Why? BM told him that she hated him in those shoes when he saw her during visitation. He reasoned that she did not like him because he wore shoes that she hated. He had been talking about this for the past week, but I did not know how much it bothered him. He smiled as he wore his new shoes out into the rain today. How can she not see that negativity and anger is cruel and hurtful to our son. BM tells me all the time that what the mother wants is the only thing that matters.

No it is not! It is about what son needs to grow up safe and secure. Son tells me that BM says bad words to him all the time. I try to explain that she loves him. I have tried to get her to stop the bad talk (in person and in the court), but it just gets worse. BM's goal is to turn him against me, because she has told him that she only happy when he comes home to her. I just gets so frustrating to see him being damaged more and more. I can take damage, but he should not have to take damage.

I have contacted child therapists. Four have said that they do not take my insurance (after I explain the situation). Maybe they do not want to be involved with potential court case. I am waiting for two callbacks. I will continue until he gets therapy, but I wonder how much it will help when there is so much hate coming at son from BM. Thanks for letting me vent.

[eagleeyefam]

Oh wow. What a twit! Shoes are shoes. They serve the purpose of covering the feet to protect as we walk. What kind of mother would do that! I swear!

You are doing the right thing thus far from what I read. Keep reassuring your son that it;s ok to wear the shoes. Keep asking the BM to stop her crap. Eventually this will biter her in the buttocks. (i hope)

[tigger]

Honestly, I'd stop telling him that she loves him.  It's teaching him that love hurts.  And that in order to be loved by an adult, verbal abuse and crushing of your spirit must be tolerated.  I'd get him into therapy as quickly as possible and start off by asking if they accept XYZ insurance before explaining anything to them.  Also, tell them that you feel he needs weekly therapy and ask if their schedule can accommodate that.  THEN explain the situation.  This is not to say that you want someone to counsel your child who isn't comfortable with the situation but you'll have an honest answer in case the BM tries to take your child to them later.

[mdegol]

Yes, you do not have to "cover" for her.  Honesty at the child's level may be more helpful.  Try not to be negative, but put it on her.  "Mom doesn't think before she speaks", "Sometimes aldults say dumb things, don't they?" "Well, mom shouldn't have said that, I love you in your new shoes!!  How silly of her to say that."  Don't explain it, just make sure he knows that it is not ok, and not normal.

I wouldn't overly explain situations to medical professionals. I overexplained the situation to my son's eye doctor, and I think that has delayed a surgery he needs by about a year.  Don't say "BM is crazy and we are prob going to have to court, or BM drags me to court all the time."  Yeah, they don't want to have difficult patients if they can avoid it.  But once you are in, you're in *wink*. 

[asof2005]

My step-son's BM said something similar about his pants he wore home one day.  He is kind of in between two sizes (not for long though! lol) and the 10s are way too short and the 12s are kinda long.  She told him that he cant wear them because "we dont live in the ghetto"  Well, she was refering to us living downtown (not close to the "ghetto")  She just moved out of her mom's trailer and did grow up in the ghetto and only lives in a suburb (kind of) because she married a guy she barely knew.  First it pissed us off because she never buys them clothes, second, how does she think that makes him feel, he lived where we live with her first and both places are his home. 

Maybe if she ever bought him clothes she would understand how quickly they grow at that age and pants that fit him perfect today will probably not fit him tomorrow.  Her and her husband did the same thing when they actually said they would buy shoes for the kids this year (yeah!).  SS told mom that dad said the shoes he wanted were at a certain store.  Well, when they left to go shopping SS's step-dad said they could not go to that store (not because it was expensive, or out of the way, because dad suggested it)  SS said after going to about 6 stores and not finding them, BM called step-dad and asked if they could go to the one dad suggested and of course they found them and bought them.  How childish.  Then of course they never got around to buying the younger son shoes. 

Anyway, it is always a battle and very unfair and childish and it only puts down the child.  Older SS does realize this, but younger SS is bitter and confused by the behaviour.

[sillystring]

Call your local Department of Children Services office and ask them to recommend a therapist.  We could NOT find one until we did this.  They gave us a list and we finally found ONE that would agree to take our case.  Most of these therapists are used to dealing with abuse and custody cases since most of their clients come from DCS.  Ours is awesome and has a TON of experience testifying in court and has a great reputation with the judges.  You need to find someone like that.