What you do now affects your children forever

[jes136e]

Don't be shortshighted in dealing with custody issues.  The courts are not designed to work out human issues.  At all costs, absent legitimate abuse, neglect, work out issues involving your children on your own.  What you do now will affect your children, how they view and relate to you and others, including future spouces.  Figure out your motives in going into court.  Is it something that you can work out, even with a therapist or mediator?  If your motive is money, revenge, hatred, getting back at your spouse, you are using your children to do your dirty work.  They are too young and afraid of loyalty isues to articulate how much this hurts them. or figure out how to cope with their world that has gone out of control.  They cave in, not necessarily doing what they want.  They really want to love both parents and not feel guilty about it.  If you embroil them in your personal war against your spouse, they'll know it, they will pay dearly for it, and you, too may pay when they grow up and your relationships have been severely damaged.  Children, even teen agers cannot cope with adult emotions and issues.  Asking them, in or out of court,  to choose which parent they want to live with is like asking them which one parent to save when everyone is drowning.  It is incredibly cruel.  Do them and yourselves a favor.  Absent abuse, neglect, do everything you possibly can to work it out without a custody war.  If you are already in one, consider whether you can wratchet it down as low as possible, or maybe go into mediation or other alternative dispute resolution mode.  You are the adults.  They are the children.  Save them from the damage of custody battles if at all possible.

[Sherry1]

me and moved him as far away from me as possible.  I ended up not seeing him for 3 years.  I chose to not interfere (son said he wanted to live with dad).  I chose not to go to court, I chose not to put my son in the middle, and I chose not to put down my ex or try to reason with my son.  We had good phone contact, but he went through his teens without me.

When he turned 16 everything changed.  He chose to come back and visit me.  After he turned 18 everything changed even more.  We see each other often (he lives in a different state).  He is now 23 has a great job and is completely normal.

I feel had I tried to fight for custody in court or tried to fight his dad, I probably would have lost my son forever.

[jes136e]

You are very fortunate, and it seems that what you did worked out well.  I took the advice of all the "professionals" and did what I could to keep my son's head on straight while his father put him through a meat grinder.  I kept hoping that someday ..... he would figure it all out.  Hasn't happened.  Getting worse. I wish I could just walk away from it all.  I try to ignore it and then opportunities to get together come up; then my son creates a boiling point in making plans to get together.  It happens every time.  This time, he was supposed to visit me with his wife and would not tell me when they were coming, if you can believe it (would not tell me date, time, etc.)  I asked a number of times.  Then,  I said maybe we'd get together another time, when it does not feel like so much pressure. (He doesn't return phone calls until months later, if at all.)  His response was ok.  It breaks my heart.