Needing serious advise, please help

[kstapelman]

Dear Socrateaser,

I am in some need of some advise. Here is some background information on my case...

In March of 2003 I was raped. I did not file any reports to anyone. At the time my ex was stationed overseas. He returned home after I had told him about it.

In May of 2003 I ended up in the hospital for a drug overdose because I was trying to kill myself because my ex said he was going to divorce me. I was then put into a mental ward for evaluation. During this time my ex had divorce papers drawn up. I was released from the ward only because my ex was bringing me home to parents (they live in AZ). Before my ex would bring me home he made me sign paper work that gave him custody of our son. At the time I was under a doctors supervision and was on medication.

At the end of May my ex traveled with me, my daughter from a previous relationship, and our son to Arizona. He left soon after dropping me and my daughter off on my parents doorstep to go back to Florida where he is stationed.

Our divorce became final in May of 2004. During this time I was seeing a therapist to help me deal with what was happening. I was not seeing another person at the time either. My ex though, was involved with our son's daycare provider who was in the process of getting a divorce herself. They later got married in October of 2004.

Up until my ex's marriage communication between the two of us was hard. Phone visitations with my son were at his convence. Physical visitation was available but I could not afford to visit him as often as I would have liked to. So I tried to increase my phone calls to make up for it. My ex and I only communicated through email. He would  not speak to me on the phone because he said there would be no proof of what was said.

Our divorce and Child Custody and Support is through the state of Florida. I am no longer a resident of the state of Florida but of Arizona. Up until recent events concerning my ex's current spouse I have pretty much agreed to everything. I have had no lawyer (could not afford one) and he has had a lawyer.

The last time I have saw my son was in July of 2005. I recieved a court order from the state of Florida saying that he was in state custody because of abuse aligations against his step-mother and the fact that the ex did not adhere to the no contact order. So I sold my car, asked my family to watch my daughter, and flew to florida just to find out there was nothing I could do. I was allocated a one hour supervisied vist with my son and nothing more.

My son has since been returned to my ex and the ex's spouse lives in another home but comes to my son's home to do all the household chores and cooks the meals but is supposedly gone before my son comes home. She is currently waiting to be sentenced.

Now last year (2006) an Order of Modification was sent to the courts. In the order Custody is to be modicied from Shared Parental to the ex having Sole Physical yet I retain joint Legal.  Also child support was order (I do not mind paying as this is my son). And Visitations would be changed from Normal Visitations to allowing me three weeks to be split between Spring Break, Summer, and Christmas. Now my son has been seeing a therapist since the abuse was first founded and in the new order it states that the visitations may increase up to a total of 30 days per year once his therapist indicates that he is comfortable with spending this extra time with his mother (me).

Now for the help I need...
This Order is still pending. I have not been allowed to talk to my son since my last visit. I tried to get ahold of my son's doctor's and school to get copies of all his records. To no avail.

I recently remarried and gained custody of my oldest ( long story there) and now have the means to try to retain an attorny, but the attorny would be through the military.

As of right now I do not know what to do. I do know that I do not want to take my son away from his father but I do not want to be denied my visitations with my son any longer. I pay my child support on time every month. I am also paying for health exspenses that were incurred and I am sharing the cost of child care. I send him letters and cards as often as possible. Other than what I am doing I do not know what else to do.

Can you please advise me on the best course of action I should take?

Thank you,
Alisa

[Ref]

Please see my post to you on the Florida State Board -


Ref

[kstapelman]

May I ask which post?

Alisa

[Ref]

kinda long. It has your user name on it. Its in State boards and Florida Board....

-Ref

[socrateaser]

>Can you please advise me on the best course of action I should
>take?

Move to Florida. This may seem absurd, but reality is that the best way for you to show the court of your genuine desire to act in the child's best interests is to live in the immediate proximity of the other parent, so that both of you can try to act in the child's best interests on a daily basis.

Of course, you have a new life and a new family, etc., so moving is not really an option. So, you must balance the costs and benefits in your life to come to a rational decision.

Unless you can show that the other parent is clearly unfit to parent, you are not going to improve your parenting arrangement in any substantial way, so don't waste your money trying. I would suggest that you offer to engage a private mediator and sit down and discuss what will work for both of you -- and I suggest that you recognize that you are not in a very strong bargaining position unless you move to Florida.

Mediation is always a give and take -- no one gets what he/she wants.

If the other parent refuses to negotiate anything, then you should simply ask the court to make your visitation/custody arrangements as definite and certain as possible so that there will be no fudging by the other parent.

However, you must also realize that the child doesn't know you all that well at this point, and he won't be inclined to want to visit you, as he grows older and develops personal friendships. So, you may find yourself being quite literally, "Disneyworld Mom," if you understand my meaning.

That's about all I can suggest. Your history is what it is. I doubt that it will be particularly relevant at this point. But, the other parent will not be severely punished for choosing a bad spouse, if that spouse is being punished by the criminal justice system, because that spouse will be out of the picture.

If that's not the case, then your entire case, should you choose to fight, will be all about the danger of the spouse to the child as being the rationale for why you should be awarded custody.

Only, you're in AZ, so the court could just as easily decide that foster care in FL is to be preferred, so as to maintain the child in his environ. And, by the time the court makes that decision, you will have paid out a small fortune in legal and custody evaluation fees -- just so that you can pay a foster parent to keep the child in his current school with his current friends.

Lots of tough decisions -- only you can make them. Wish I could be more decisive, but your case is extremely complicated, based on your posted facts -- so I would be extremely suspect of anyone who gives you a cut and dried analysis.

[mistoffolees]

This is not legal advice and shouldn't be construed as that.

Your situation is very touching on a number of levels and I wish you the best. The only comment I want to make has to do with your statement "I have not been allowed to talk to my son since my last visit".

Many people focus on the visitation, but as you work through the legal details with Soc and your lawyer, you might also want to consider that both you and your son would benefit from frequent contact - even if just by phone. Many people seem to focus on the visitation and then the other parent doesn't let them talk to the kid at all between visitation. It seems to me that your relationship with your son might be better with very frequent contact by phone in between the visitation. For example, I talk with my daughter every night when she's not with me - even though it's just for a couple of minutes. If your ex isn't allowing you to talk to him at all between visitation periods, it's going to be hard to establish a strong bond.

[kstapelman]

Thank you for your advise.

I had been thinking about moving to Florida but the only person I know there is my son. And now moving to Florida would impossible since my current husband is in the Marine Corps and there are no bases there. Now with that in mind, we are looking into DH getting stationed as close to Florida as possible.

As for mediation he has refused it before but I do not think it would hurt if I asked him again.

That there is a point too...the ex's spouse is not out of the picture. My ex tells me that she didn't mean to do what she did and it was an accident, but that is not what the medical statement said. Yet I can not prove that she has been in contact with my son, just with my ex.

Now I want to what is best for my son, I do not want to put him in any danger. Though I feel this way I also feel that having both parents in his life is what is best for him.

I feel I really screwed myself because I did not fight harder in the begining and now my son is paying for it. It wasn't just the fact I had no money for an attorny but my ex still had control over me emtionally.

I am not sure if there is anything legally I can do. I do not want to go to a lawyer and hire one just to realize that my son will end up hating me.

Is there any suggestions?

[socrateaser]

The only suggestion is to try to communicate to your son that you're not trying to control his life or the life of his father. You just want your son to be safe and well taken care of.

Then you let your son decide how he will feel. You have no control over the emotions of others, so don't try to control them. It always ends in disappointment -- in my psychologist "lay" opinion.

[kstapelman]

I wanted to update on what has happened since the last post so long ago, but first wanted to say thank you for all the advice.

Son is doing alright, is still with father. They have moved to NM and are now only 10 hours away. But my son is now having problems, of the personal nature. The ex and I are trying to work together to help him get through this.

The ex's wife is now his ex and is currently serving a 5 yr sentence for First degree Aggrivated Child Abuse. My son is safe.

My only concern is trying to modify the visitations with my son so that I can see him more. I get to have phone visitation's twice a week and more if I want. I get him three times a year, Spring Break, Summer, and every other Christmas (Christmas' he does spend with me I get him for the second week of vacation). All visits are for only one week, no more.

I want to thank everyone for thier help and advice.

Alisa

[MixedBag]

thanks for remembering this place and coming back to give an update.