Custody - very long

[mdf]

Long story - new to forum as well.

2000 my husband at time and I decided to get divorced.  Our daughter was 2.5 at time.  3 at the actual divorce date.  I was young and dumb.  He said he would have custody until my student loans were paid off - giving her stability and once paid off she could live with me...I was only making 24k at the time and needed part time job to pay a portion of the loan bill....okay so couple years later - debt is wiped clean.  My roommate went her way and I went mine.  I moved back in with him and my daughter - until I fiqured out where to live.  She was 5 at the time.  Started Kindegarten.  I got engaged to someone else and when custody was brought up - he said he only said that because he never thought I would pay the student loans off.  Boy was I dumb to ever believe him...but back then he said he would not take her away from her mother. HA HA HA... SO I moved out and got married.   I have her every weekend and also during summer months.  I also have a son with my husband.  So my daughter has a brother she sees on weekends and summer months.  He is 7 months, and she is now 7 going to be 8 and in 2nd grade.  He is not married.  Lives in a duplex with relatives living below.  He is a good father BUT - he does have a past.  3rd degree sexual assault charge.  He was of age and the girl was not - he did not know that she was a minor and then she accused  him of rape.  So they went to court - way before I knew him..1996 or so.  I think by now the issue was expunged - maybe not.  But at the time I think it was a felony charge.  So you are probably wondering why do I care now....well being young I just didn't think about it. Now I want to play dirty to get her back.  That's mean too and it makes me feel bad because he is a nice person kind of...Lately I have been trying to get him to change his mind but he won't budge.  Claims someone has to be the loser and the loser is me.  We are both college educated and my daughter happens to be a gifted student.  He is so tough on her and I feel that her emotional needs as a female are not being met.  He does not understand that concept and disagrees.  Oh...this is also disturbing.  After her showers he would dry her off and then lotion her up.  When I was told this by my daughter - I threw a fit and told him that whole shower/lotion thing was disturbing and it better stop and he did.  But anyway.  I want my daughter.  Any thoughts....  I do live about 2 hours away as well...and plan on staying at home with my son in the next few months running a daycare business.  My daughter would not have to be taken care of my ex's relatives in the am or pm.

Thank you.  Please don't judge either.  I made a bad call and unfort. don't know how to fix the issue.

[CustodyIQ]

I think that having your daughter EVERY weekend and during the whole summer, while living 2 hours away, is a remarkable arrangement for a noncustodial parent.

Nearly all of the "fun" family times will be in your home.

I strongly suggest that you not upset the apple cart.  You may get a worse arrangement.

If you start proceedings, if the father says, "It's unreasonable that I have no weekend or summer bonding time with my daughter", the judge may agree... and take away some of your time.

Because you are 2 hours away from her school, it would be unlikely that a court would give you any overnights during the week.  And unless you're willing to spend time with her in the father's town, it's unlikely that a court would subject her to 4 hours (round trip) of drive time on a weekday.

I want to be clear that you have far more parenting time than the average noncustodial parent.  You're at approx 40%.

By your own admission, the father took primary responsibility for this child (i.e., YOUR child) while you got your act together.  Your need to get back at him, no matter what tactics you use, is immature and misguided.  With a bit of luck, they'll backfire on you.

Your glass is more than half-full, so really look at that part.

[Tennessee Dad]

 "Now I want to play dirty to get her back."

Bad idea, and that is NOT in the best interest of your daughter.  If daughter is healthy and happy, please do not rock the boat.

I can tell you from my experience, the Judge will not be happy if you bring up something from that far back.  My ex- tried to make accusations of things that happened BEFORE our divorce was final, and the Judge politely told her it was too late now; those items should have been dealt with at the time of our divorce.  Since you voluntarily let him have custody then, bringing it up now will not help your situation.    

Spend as much time as possible with your daughter; be a loving Mother and she will always love and appreciate you for it.  Start a war with her Father, and she may blame you for it.  JMHO