New Dad

[Dexterspa]

  First of all I want to say thank you for other Fathers making this web page and others like it.  I'm a new Dad and it's really exciting but at the same time I'm not married or with my son's mother and I'm only allowed to see my son for one hour a day.  I don't understand how someone can let a new dad see his son for only one hour a day, but at least I do get to see him because I've read many other horror stories that are a lot worst than mine.  We aren't married and I did sign his birth certificate in the hospital but now I have to possibly go to family court.  I'm looking into what my rights are and what I can do to be in my son's life as much as possible.  I have fantasized my whole life of having a family with a mother and father and kid's but it doesn't look like its in my cards.  I drive home after seeing my son everyday fueled with rage and I do my best to not go crazy.  I love my girlfriend and my son and feel completly hopeless at times but that's neither here nor there I just needed to vent to some people that understand the feeling's I'm going through about possibly being a distant figure in my son's life.  I know I need to do whatever it takes to be in my son's life as much as possible and stay on decent terms with his mother. 

Thanks for listening to my rant!

[ocean]

Basically you have no legal rights now. It will save a lot of time/money if you can agree to come up with a reasonable schedule. Does she do email? or write it in a letter asking her to look at the next step. You can say, "I really want to be a part of XX life. I was thinking about coming up with a schedule for the next few months. I really want us to be working parents even if we do not live together so that way XX has a great childhood. See what you think and make changes. I would much rather have us work this out then to pay lawyers thousands of dollars each when we could put some money away for XX college instead" 
Then list: (look up some infant schedules or make it work between your two work schedules)
When xx turns xx months (like next month) I will have parenting time every Tues, Thurs, and Sat from XX time - xx time (few hours away from her house?)
When xx turns XX months the time will increase from XX time to xx time (most of the day depending on work schedule, especially sat if you do not work)

How old is baby now? Is baby taking a bottle? (she can pump for bottles for you if it is breast milk to take with you).
Are you paying her child support or giving money of any kind? Is she going to file for child support? If she files, then you are almost forced to file for joint custody and parenting plan...then you can put the agreed schedule for the courts to sign off on.

Usually parenting plans also have these things (so you do not fight when they come up)
*birthdays (yours, hers, babys)
*holidays (and not just the day...like Thanksgiving every other year from Thurs- Sunday as child gets to school age)
*vacation time (a few weeks or more in summer)

Maybe ask that she goes to a public place with you, away from baby to talk. Really have a heart to heart about all of this. That you want to be there but if she chooses to really end the relationship you want a healthy and active relationship with child without you both spending a fortune. You can go and pay someone to write it up, you both sign, and enter with courts. Look on this site for samples...a lot of info needs to be in there. Once you sign, it is done deal. Very hard to change even if you say...well we signed this when baby was infant...you job is to look ahead and get everything on paper now.

[tigger]

You can post what you want to submit to her (removing personally identifying information) and folks here can help you tweak it. 

Why are you fueled by rage when you leave the baby?  Are you seeing the baby every day?

[Dexterspa]

Thanks for the support!  I am fueled by rage because I love her and my son and want to be with the both of them not just a visitor and the thought of her just shutting me out and not wanting a relationship right as the baby is born cuts pretty deep.  Yes, I am giving her money for whatever she needs.  I bought about 2,000 dollars worth of stuff for the baby before the baby was born.  Right now I do have a hard time excepting where I am at with the whole thing and wondering how I was so easily played for a fool.

[tigger]

I see, so the pain and hurt and shock are still pretty fresh.  I didn't know if she was actively doing something to provoke the rage but it looks like it's a case of the wound being re-opened every time you see her.  Only time can take care of that and I say that not to diminish your anguish because it's gotta be hard.  I think that's why a lot times one parent or the other walks away (either the mom is hurt and angry and can't get past it and walks away with or without the child or the dad is hurt and angry and walks away OR he's the target of the mom's anger and sacrifices his relationship with the child believing the child would be better off without the conflict.  I think the last two scenarios are decreasing though as dads are realizing how important they are to their kids.) 

Sort of off topic but I've read (from Dr. James Dobson) that the response of the spouse/significant other that gets rejected plays a big role in whether or not the relationship can be mended.  If the rejected spouse/SO begs and pleads, the rejecting spouse/SO will lose all respect for him/her and cut off ties.  However, if the rejected spouse/SO allows some space and time the rejecting spouse/SO is more likely to renew their view of him/her and allow the spark to return, thus reviving the relationship.